This image came up on my Facebook Memories today. August 13, last year. We’d gone to pick up Maki at the airport after his summer trip to New Zealand. Can you see how thrilled Justine is to see her brother again?
Here is a picture of them yesterday. Justine had come back from her trip with my mum. It was only five days away, but she hadn’t seen Maki since mid-June.
Actually, I’d say Maki looks happy to see her too. (Also note that he is wearing the Vernon Adams font tee with one of Daddy’s old shirts. Maki is already in his dad’s shirt and shoe size (and has a closet full of Vernon’s shirts and shoes.)
I got lots of lovely hugs from Justine and a shining stream of babbling chatter about all the things she did this week. One main story that she’d already told us about over the phone was that she’d found a dead baby bird and held it in her hands. She’d wanted to bring it back to life. I told her that I too had found a little dead bird one day…a few hours before I got news that my grandmother had died. I don’t know if Justine can make the connection to these symbols yet, but I’ll remind her of this story over the years. I told her that sometimes we get to notice special things like a little bird or a butterfly and they are little gifts from God, little gifts that show we are allowed to be connected to something really magical and big that is going on somewhere else…in this case, that someone will be going to heaven.
My mom had already told Justine that her dad was very sick in the hospital again. I don’t think that phased her too much, because he is so often in the hospital with some problem or another, but at least she was warmed up for the big news. Knowing my mother and their close relationship, I’m sure she found loving ways to engage Justine in conversations around the idea. But as soon as I had minute alone with her (we’d all gone out to get a bite, while waiting for Chris to bring Maki up) I told her the truth.
“Hey, Justine…you know that Daddy has been really sick lately, right? Well, I don’t think he’s gonna get better again this time. At least not here. He’s going up to Heaven soon.”
She’s a tough cookie and it takes a lot for her to crumble, but I could see the start of it in her face. She sat on my lap and started crying.
“I don’t want him to go to Heaven.”
“I know, Sweetheart. We will miss him so much. But listen…this is what is happening: you know how in Heaven, there is no sickness or pain? We’ve talked about this before. Well, Daddy has been in pain and has been sick for a LONG time. Soon he will be free of all that and he will become his perfect self. He’s already starting that process. You’ll see today. He is already more alert and like his old self than he has been for awhile.”
“So he’s getting better, right?”
“No Honey…he won’t be like this for very long. He’s changing and getting ready for his new body in Heaven. But we get to enjoy him and tell him we love him today. And he’s been asking to see you.”
I realized even after I said those things that this is a sort of Transfiguration: a spectacular exchange between this life and the next. My girlfriend Melissa, who came to visit the other night, said she remembered this happening with her dementia-addled grandmother. She suddenly remembered things and seemed so bright and delightful just before she died. She likened it to the changing of the autumn leaves, suddenly so colorful and vivid just before withering and falling away. Isn’t that a great analogy?
We were all together in the room when Justine saw her dad. Chris and Susan happened to already be in their with guitar. Maki and both my parents, and Chris were there too. A cloud of witnesses. She talked about her trip, her dad watching her intently, trying to capture every word.
She will be processing this a little differently because of her age. But I think she always thought he would come back to us, even though she doesn’t remember much of his previous time at home with us. Her memories of him are nearly all bedridden. So there is, I think, disappointment in her magical vision and even her childlike faith. Several times after this interaction, she asked me how he could be going to heaven when he’s doing so well, when “he’s like he used to be.” Bittersweet. I had to keep reminding her…its because he’s “becoming heavenly.”
Maki took a lot of tender time with her yesterday. They are there for each other in their own way. They even went to the climbing gym together in the afternoon…Justine thrilled to be showing off her new skills that she learned in his honor (trying to be like him) and Maki gently showing her the way.
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Powerfully beautiful… thinking of all I have been writing and painting the last month..both will be going through their own transfiguration towards eternity. Ones finishing soon and the other continuing as time grows on us all. You are loved.
“its because he’s becoming Heavenly”, what precious
words, Allison!
It has been my honor and joy to know Vernon. A special
privilege I will always hold in my heart with Thankfulness!
Hugs,
Barbara Mitchiner
Praying for all of you. Comfort continued strength vision of Vernon with Jesus with a new body dancing in the those that have gone before him. Love all of you. Ellie
Oh, wow. You are such an amazing mom, Allison. I wondered what you’d told Justine as I’ve been holding all of you so closely in my thoughts and prayers. I’m so glad you told her the truth and of course you did it so beautifully. The mental image of her going to the climbing wall to show Maki how she’s learned to be more like him….beyond lovely. xoxo
This is just so beautiful. I love the way you are sharing with her, and allowing her to process in her own way.
I am reminded of one of the hardest conversations of my life, when I told Zach I had cancer. He thought I was going to die right then and there. After all, most people that he knew of with cancer ended up dying…
So I started talking about all the people we knew that had survived cancer, and that I hoped I would, too. He understood it in his way, and the tenderness and closeness that developed from that day as well as the conversations are all so precious.
Many people have asked me how I handled my diagnosis with Zach who was 8 at the time. I tell them I told him the truth. I shared with him how I was feeling and I let him ask me whatever questions he wanted to ask. We cried together and we prayed together and we hoped together.
Even now when he hears me talk on the phone to a doctor or about my illness he asks me with worry in his voice if my cancer is back. So far I have been able to tell him it is not. But I also reassure him that if it does come back, we have had a wonderful time on this earth together and that I will always be thinking of him and a part of him.
It’s been a long journey for all of you. I know this is such a difficult time and some of the hardest conversations you will ever have with her. It is not what you wanted to live through but you are such an example of grace and insight and wisdom and faith. You are an inspiration. I’m so glad she has you. Love you~
i remember that time well…you were most upset that he might lose his mom. Thank you for sharing, Mindy.
Allison this journey you have shared with friends from long ago and far away has touched us in ways you have no idea. Their is loveliness in your words. You are an amazing wife and mom. My heart is with you
Beautiful. Thank you
Allison, thank you for sharing so much with us who are at a distance. Your wonderful thoughts and ways of explaining the process help us as we pray for you all in your walk together. I like that he is becoming heavenly in this process of getting to heaven. It’s wonderful that you have this time when he is so clear and able to share some special times together before he goes on ahead. You are in our prayers often these days. It is so good to know that the Lord is in you and with you to give you His grace as you need it moment by moment.
I love the term “becoming heavenly”. That is such a wonderful and gentle way of saying something so difficult. You are an amazing mom and both of them are lucky to have you. You are so strong in the face of such difficult times. I will continue to hold you in my prayers. Peace be with you dear friend. Xoxo
“He is becoming heavenly”
What a God Inspired Statement…
This picture you’ve painted with your words-helps me to grasp heaven a little more, to see God more in the midst of pain, how God prepares your precious hearts…
i love you Allison!
Beautiful xxxx
Magical words. How beautiful. What a wonderfull mama you are.
Thank you allowing us to feel this with you.
So very beautiful — and all the more because those words are true!
Thank you for sharing with all of us. It helps us to pray better. You have no idea how far reaching your story is and how many people love you.
So very beautiful way to tell her that her Dad was going to Heaven. I have enjoyed and wept with you thru the past 2 years. And there are people back here who know about Vernon and are praying for him at this time. He will be without pain. I know how sad it makes you to lose him but rest in the peace that God is in control and a much bigger house than we could ever have down here.
Maki has changed in the year that has just passed. He looks so grown up.
Hugs,
Becky
Allison you have such amazing amazing faith and wisdom. The Robbins are praying for you and your family. We love you.
BEAUTIFUL XX
Our prayers are with you, and have been for many months, following your blog.A rough, bittersweet time. Our love to the whole family.
Terry and Alvin Mee (Leonard’s mom and step-dad)
Becky has kept me up to date as Vernon and the family have gone on this journey. Vernon’s time looks to be short. God promised us a beautiful life after we leave this earth. No more pain, suffering!
The family will in time get some healing and comfort. And family please know that so many of us are praying for you. The story has been heart felt. To have been a small part of it, was in itself a blessing. I love all of you in Vernons family and you especially, Vernon. You fought the good fight!
Allison, we send our love to you all. You’ve give us so much of yours! I love that Maki is “wearing the Vernon Adams font tee with one of Daddy’s old shirts.” Priceless!! Another priceless moment is how you broke the news to lil’ Justine of her Daddy going to Heaven soon. It’s been said by so many but we truly mean it: Thank You for sharing your journey with us! We have learned so much from your family. Life was meant to be shared and for us to be real with one another. You’ve done both so well. <3