I sent the kids off to school this morning with plans to go elsewhere for a couple of nights, then I put my own suitcase in the car and headed up to Costa Mesa. My friend Nicole booked a hotel room for me (she plans to come down and keep me company tonight. I just asked that there be a swimming pool. Here’s a picture of the kids from yesterday, first day back to school. I think it is turning out to be a good distraction for them.
Maki seems fine. He seems more grown up. He understands what I need. He understands what he needs. Justine, on the other hand, is struggling to know how she is supposed to feel. She seems confused and is acting out on me a little. This, I was told by her school counsellor over the phone this morning, is very normal. Its also part of the reason it feels good to get away for a few days. Sometimes getting distracted attention is worse for her than getting no attention from me at all. She’s staying with my mom and dad, while Maki stays with his best buddies (the twins!) from school.
It was strange leaving this morning, planning not to come back until Vernon passes away. It was even stranger, turning the car off my street and over the exact site of the original accident, the night that started it all. We had since moved to the very street…by a bizarre stroke of fate. It’s where this journey started and now, part of its ending. I’ve seen lots of circling elements like that. I hope to write more of them down soon. But I’m tired and its been hard to keep up.
I actually just woke from a needed nap at the hotel. I feel better and will go back to Mesa Verde as soon as I’ve finished this entry. I would have liked to stick around with him more today, but I hit my wall about noon, and had to start pacing myself. He’s sleeping so much now, and though I love our connected visits and ice-cream-filled moments, they are becoming shorter and shorter. I want to pace myself for the time when he slows down considerably and I am there all the time.
He’s more dreamy, more sleepy, and very sweet. This is certainly a very peaceful way to go, as I was told it would be.
Here’s one more full-circle story before I go back over there:
The night of the accident, when my dad and I had first gone over to check on him, before his surgeries, before they knew he would make it through the night, the surgeon on hand handed me Vernon’s wedding ring. I wore it with my single engagement band/wedding ring because I’d often thought it would be nice to have two bands, but hadn’t really cared back at the time we got married. So I wore his ring with mine until it broke at it’s weakest spot around 9 months ago, I’d guess. It was pretty sad to have it break—granted it was a $20 silver Navaho ring he’d bought at the San Juan Capistrano Mission ten years ago, and it wasn’t the first time it had broken. But this time, I never got around to fixing it. I put it in a little bag with Justine’s baby teeth instead, and I’ve been back to wearing my single band. When Dave pointed out his new wedding ring to Vernon the other day, Vernon looked to his hand: “Yes, I have one as well,” he said. Of course there wasn’t one there, so I got the idea to bring it back and put it on him today.
Because it was broken (and because it was cheap), I was able to stretch it over his swollen ring finger. He wore it proudly for a couple of hours before asking me to take it off again for discomfort. I had been so sad when it broke, but if it hadn’t broken, there is no way he could wear it now.
Ok, I’m on my way back now. I’ve had enough me time for a couple of hours. I’ll make sure I get some later. Anyway, I’m pretty sure it’s about ice-cream o’clock.
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Profound and precious steps of love…
Beautiful “full circle” moments. Beautiful post Alli-
I keep hearing this in my head,
“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance[a] upon you and give you peace.”
So I decided to share because it’s what I want for you both most of all.
❤️💜💛💚💙E
Dear Allison
We have never met, however, an entry popped up on my FB from Katherine and Lois. The few post I have seen have been very emotional for me and helped me put my crisis in better perspective. I worked with Katherine and Lois before marrying my true love in 2000. Those two women have had such an impact on my life and I am holding the family in my heart.My husband Don currently is coping with advanced Parkinsons and Lewey Body Dementia, two evil entities that have taken up residence in our home. Don, a retired engineer, was always physically active, scaling both walls of the Grand Canyon, hiking mountain trails and walking over most of the worlds countries. Currently he cannot walk, feed himself, dress or handle intimate hygiene issues. I am his sole caretaker with occasional help from our busy families and friends. Moments of sadness,depression, frustration and even happiness seem to occur daily. We have seen the world, raised our children to be wonderful adults and have enjoyed being married these last 16 years (we have known one another since 1967), He is 83 and I 73 and we feel so sad that Vernon has had such a short time on this earth yet his “being” seems to have radiated out to so many people that one cannot help wonder if this was his destiny., a circle of love. Take care and know that even though we do not know you there is a place in our prayers and heart for you and your children. Jackie and Don HIll
P.S. As a single mom of three I worked in the 80’s at Mesa Verde as a weekend receptionist and account controller. He is in good Hands.
The blessing of the broken ring, ice cream o’clock… You give us lovely images and phrases every day. *hugs*
Oops, Elo should be Elona Siemsen.
” if it hadn’t broken, there is no way he could wear it now.” I think this is a profound aspect of who you are. You find meaning and ways to be grateful, in the midst of pain. You have a rare buoyancy. You have remained true to your vows, for better for worse, in sickness and in health. Vernon was a fortunate man to have exchanged rings with you.
We can all learn from your commitment and faithfulness.
Well done Allison. Well done.
BEAUTIFUL ..in so many ways ..so pleased Vern got to wear his wedding ring again ..he loved that ring , he was always moving it round his finger ….
I am so pleased you are going to share your ice-cream moments together ,so pleased you get to say your goodbyes ..to be close together !
love you both so much
vanessa xx
ps tell vern i love him ..”love you lots” xx
ps … i forgot i was going to tell you a red dragonfly visited me yesterday in my garden..i have never seen a dragon fly in my garden ..and never seen a red one ….so i looked up the meaning here is just one line … ” Thus, the red dragonfly may emerge around death with the soothing message that this transformation will carry us to freedom and eternal love.”
…to have and to hold …
Beautiful, Ali … I am deeply touched by your (plural) love, commitment and joy.
Sending you a warm hug
Allison, l am a friend of Nessies, and l have known, Nessie and Vern since l was sixteen, l use to live with mum and dad Adam’s for a while, so my heart and soul has been with you along this very long and painful journey, l haven’t posted, as l realised that you don’t know me. I have been sending Nessie, my supportbthough, and sending, you all my love and energy each day through Mediation. I recently, lost my husband to six weeks of cancer to the spine, l was lucky in away, so l didn’t see my husband go through much pain, and was comforted to know it was quick from start to finish. I am writing to you now, as this post really hit home with me…. l too wear my husband’s wedding ring, l put it on first then my wedding ring, as then he is slower to my heart, as you know, properly this is the finger, that is linked to the heart, and when l am low, l find great comfort in having him, or a part of him so close to me. I know he is still with me, and always will be, as long as l wear his ring…….l hope you understand where l am coming from. My heart goes out to you…..xXxX
Be sure we are thinking the warmest thoughts about you all these days. The distance never seemed so huge, but it is good to get closer by your beautiful posts. It lightens up the sadness
Allison,
Beautiful and sad as well. Enjoy your times with Vernon.
If you really get down read Psalm 23 and Psalm 46:1. God
precious words to us.
Hugs,
Becky
You are still one of my Heros !!
I wanna be like you when I grow up 💋
Allison, thank you for sharing about the loving “circles” of our lives and commitments. You and Vernon and kids are in our prayers & hearts. My own Father never wore a wedding band, but when my Mother’s wedding band broke, she had it repaired at the jewelers but didn’t return it to her hand until she went to visit my Dad at his skilled nursing facility, where he had spent his last years due to demensia. There she showed him the repaired ring and asked if he would place it on her finger. He replied, “I get to marry you all over again.” I’m remembering this with joy AND sadness, and am so very grateful that your journey has brought it to mind again – AND that your words are a tangible “chronos” of your faith; your love and devotion to Vernon.