I’ve been missing Vernon for a long time, but its only recently that a new kind of loneliness has been allowed to seep in. I notice it a lot when I get still, when I talk to God, when I’m practicing yoga, or maybe painting in silence. The rest of the time, I can keep myself pretty busy, which keeps some of that at bay. This is the loneliness that is unattached to words, but I know that pressing into it makes me so sad to realize again that he is really, truly gone and won’t be back. That most of my life will be separate from our season of family, even though the decisions that came from the life we shared still affect us every day. I may have shared this analogy on here before, but I’ll use it again: when someone you care deeply about dies, its much like a piece of duct tape has been pulled from a painted wall after being stuck together for some time—part of the paint is left on the tape and part of the tape is left on the wall. When a person dies, you are changed (though not as much as they are, obviously)—a part of them lives on in you, and a part of you goes on with them. When its someone REALLY close, it takes awhile to adapt to the new version of yourself, because you are not who you were before and the world isn’t what it was before either.
It’s kind of a strange time again because I’m very aware are now in the final month stretch before the 3 year accident-versary. The first death. Or rather, the night his life slowed down—his body, his brain, our time with him—it was when his life out slowly toward the finish line, though we didn’t always realize/accept it. How could we have known? One always fights for life, even if it is in a shallow form, as long as one can. For us, it was the tape trying harder to adhere to the wall and the wall offering all the paint it could part with. It didn’t feel like letting go, it felt like attaching more tightly. So that we could let go, but be changed through the experience.
I went all the way to Denton, Texas, and look what I found waiting there. Pigeons painted on a wall…above an alphabet, bonus! I’ll never stop noticing. Also, here is some paint already peeling off Vernon’s bedroom wall, scratched away by the bed rails and possibly his hands. It looked like he was fighting to get out, but actually he was fighting to stay. And in his way, he made that happen too.
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WOW!! Your words mean so much ..and these words have been in my thoughts too .. as yesterday, i was feeling so tired ..Paul said .. “forget the house work today..have some time for you .. read a book in the garden” (as he went out the door back to work).. well i couldn`t find anything to read ..then found this book i had got back last year ..and found i just couldn`t read it ..but today it felt right … “HEALING GRIEF” by James Van Praagh..the book starts .. ” No matter where we live or what language we speak , we share a common experience with everyone else on the planet – the loss of someone close to us.Loss can be sudden, without warning,or predictable, and still we are unable to prevent it from happening. All loss brings up feelings and memories ..A human has been torn from our lives and most are ill prepared to handle it.. grieving is a natural process of life..Healthy grieving is taking responsibility for our own life,In order to continue life in any meaningful way , you must allow yourself to grieve.”
I only made it to page 22 , but it is a start..maybe a chapter a day??..Giving me time to think , and process my way of grieving , Allison your posts have helped so many people through so many difficulties in their lives.. time to think about writing that book??
love to you always
ps ..so please to see Vern is still keeping you seeing and thinking….he is with us everywhere , we just need to open our eyes, thank you for sharing xx
thanks for the that lovely message, Vanessa. I know Vernon’s death affects you greatly too…you knew him even longer and your identity was tied to him in a different way. I believe some books belong on our shelves for awhile before its time to read them…who knows, perhaps their presence is a way of slowly preparing us for them. But I’m glad you are reading it now. No pressure to get all the way through it, either! I have a few books on grief like that too…as for writing the book about Vernon, its definitely not time yet. I know because when I went to prepare for my talk for the retreat, I found it was very difficult to go back and specifically read all the posts. I just couldn’t do very many in a row…they threw me off emotionally for awhile and I had other things I needed to be present for. But maybe like your book on the shelf, the time will come when it just pops open and says: “Read me” …or rather “Write me!” 🙂 Blessings to you, Vanessa. Hoping you’ll see a dragonfly somewhere soon!
grief is a different thing, isnt it. thank you again for sharing Allison.
your a blessing!
IT sure is…and yet, its what we all have in common at some point. Thanks Annie…so great to see you at TJs recently! I’ll go back and look for you next time.
It’s no wonder that Scripture records the tearing of clothing as an expression of grief. I’ve also heard the separation of married partners by divorce described as the tearing apart of two pieces of balsa wood that were glued together. The wood is weaker than the bonding agent and there is always damage. The pigeons are a nice touch. You will probably always be “noticing” because of the lovely artistic bent of your soul. Thanks one more time for your willingness to share here so openly from your heart. Those who are closer to you receive an even greater blessing.
Thank you for your kind encouragement to me, Jim. I always appreciate your replies. The tearing of clothes makes so much symbolic sense..I remember looking into it a little, and finding that so interesting. On a quick search this morning, I found this article: http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/248163/jewish/Why-Do-We-Tear-Our-Clothes-After-a-Death.htm, which brings even more meaning to the idea. THanks, Jim, for causing me to think about this some more. I hope you have a great day….free from tearing anything! 🙂
Thank you, Allison, for leading the way and teaching us. I’m so very sorry you have that role 😔💔
sending you a hug…
Dear Allison, You express your thought about Vernon’s death and the process of going thru grief. don’t know if you will ever be able to write a book about the last 3 years of your life but it sure would be helpful to a lot of people. Going to Middle TN tomorrow to visit Bill’s Aunt and Uncle. She has ad cancer but is recorved but she still can’t walk and her dear husband has dementia or Alz. So we need to go and see them before he forgets Bill. God be with you.
Hugs,
Becky
Thanks so much for sharing your journey. It is so true that the loss of someone close is something we all must go through but something we can’t ever really be prepared for. And even though we may have had other losses, there is nothing like the death of a spouse. It tears a large piece from our identity and life. There are anniversary dates that bring back memeories of what once was and isnt any more. And with time we find healing and can laugh again.