The Kindergarten Parade
A Letter to Maki

After spending the day with Vernon and Joe (our day-off dialysis is always Vernon’s most relaxing day off the week) I checked in with his doctor to find out about the Tuesday’s CT scan results and what the next plan of action might be. Sure enough, he has a clot in one of his veins, and though he is in stable condition at the moment, Dr. Dan and I agreed that we want to get on top of this right away. Vernon’s face looks like a pumpkin, its so swollen, and to me, it seems to have gotten worse since I saw him on Tuesday. You would think that a high tech scan would allow the pros to know exactly what to do next, but it sounds like a much more complicated matter than that.

Even if he is stable at the moment, this issue is unlikely to go away on its own…and blood clots can be extremely serious. So I was relieved when Dr. Dan had him sent to the ER this evening. At least he will be back in the hands of those who know what to do about it. I was told it would be fine if I am not there, that I could talk to the nurses and doctor over the phone if necessary, but I admit I’ve felt torn the past few hours.  I decided to go to my barre class (regular exercise is stress-relieving and sanity-saving, but still can  feels like a guilty pleasure sometimes when my family has other needs) and then have dinner with my parents, who just got back from a two-and-a-half week trip (it’s always good to know I can survive without their practical help, but life is a lot easier when they are near, mostly because I love the emotional connection.)  I decided to go home and make sure Justine’s Halloween costume is ready for the school parade tomorrow and read her a bedtime story out of the “Body Encyclopedia,” her all time favorite.

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In between, I’ve been making and taking calls and texts from different doctors. Vernon has been admitted overnight and hopefully, by tomorrow morning, we will know what they have decided to do. He is allergic to Heparin, a blood thinning agent, so that complicates the options a little more. I think nighttime staff has to be doubly creative as so many of the people they would normally be able to access are off the clock or asleep.  Whenever I am asked for information, I feel like the “For Dummies” girl…my terminology is a little “personalized” or mixed-up over time, based on what I have decided seems important to remember. A lot of details are there, but they  don’t always translate back to the medical field they way they were delivered to me.

It feels strange to manage all this from home. Until now, I’ve made it a rule to be at the hospital whenever he is there. But I know that he doesn’t actually NEED me there, the way that maybe he would prefer to have me there. I can’t even remember how many times he has been to a hospital, and I have no idea how many more visits he will have. But we each only have 24 hours in a day. I’m still taking calls at 11 pm, but I’m home with the kids. I’m blogging from my own kitchen. I have decided not to feel guilty about this, though I’m very aware of the way guilt tries to pull me toward it.

It’s hard because its new, this not being there for him like I have in the past. Maybe this will be the way things are for us from now on or maybe not. But Justine has her  costume for the Kindergarten Halloween parade tomorrow. I will have to decide then whether I can stay to witness it with the stay-at-home moms and dads or if its more important to get to the hospital for Vernon.

It’s now 11:10 PM, I’m signing off on any more decisions till tomorrow. Just writing that feels really good.

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Somewhere…over the rainbow.

 

 

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The Kindergarten Parade
A Letter to Maki