“I try not to worry about the future – so I take each day just one anxiety attack at a time.”— Tom Wilson
Let’s talk about anxiety, shall we?
When I’m not busy DOING something, or actively taking care of the kids, I find my breathing can suddenly change, my heart rate goes up, and if I don’t start moving immediately, the tears come or I just feel unhinged.
My beloved sister-in-law called me while I was shopping in Costco yesterday, and all was fine until she mentioned planning something fun in the future. Suddenly the tears welled up. I left the cart and started walking so no one would notice. Next thing I knew, I was lost in that massive warehouse and couldn’t remember what I was shopping for, let alone where my cart was. I’ve taken other phone calls, and there haven’t been those problems. She was being perfectly lovely and supportive as always. Why should I get a panic attack then?
Today, I dropped off my car at the mechanic. For some reason, I couldn’t just tell him I had a flat tire. I opened my mouth to explain but could feel my breathing start to change, and the tears came. I felt so embarrassed, standing in the middle of that office with a man who was somewhat shocked and slightly uncomfortable. I thought: Do I always look this crazy to these people?
It hasn’t just started. It began while Vernon was in hospice. Everything was so intense. I would go go go, until suddenly the wrong stranger crossed my path or there would be a mixup in the nursing staff or a friend would offer something I couldn’t process in the moment. Then it would pass, though I’d be embarrassed of the out-of-control-ness of my emotions. I was told not to worry about it, to give myself grace. But it was new to me. And I didn’t like the frequency (and unexpectedness) in which it came.
I was fine going to the Back to School night at the High School two weeks ago—I handled it for nearly two hours, meeting all Maki’s teachers, without a stitch. But the next week was Parent’s Night at Justine’s school. Suddenly the sight of all those adults folded into tiny seats at tiny desks threw me into sudden panic and I had to turn around. Why then? Why sometimes—not other times? People say that this is a common symptom of grieving, and is to be expected.
But the problem is, Anxiety comes when you least expect it. I don’t have to be thinking about Vernon or a specific memory. In fact, I don’t have to be thinking about anything at all when it hits. It’s just a weird physical reaction to this new stage of life I guess. A different kind of un-knowing. My girlfriend who recently lost both her parents in the course of a year, and then her husband’s mother the next year told me she learned one thing about grief through all this: everybody goes through it differently.
Exercise helps! Last week I had a few down days and filled them with exercise as much as I could. My muscles got sore, but I didn’t feel anxious….at least not while I was moving! So when I was with friends in LA last weekend, they gave me plenty of opportunities to walk if the feeling came. I have also started volunteering once a week as a room mom in Justine’s class. Weirdly, going into that very different world of elementary school and doing phonics pages with the kids or laminating in the office is grounding in it’s own way.
When someone asks me what I plan to do next, the first thing that comes to mind is this: learn how to be a mom to a Tenth Grader and a First Grader. Re-learn how to cook and have normal mealtimes. Help with more homework, read more with Justine. These things aren’t coming as easily as I remembered them being before summer. I think we all feel slightly different now, but each in a way we can’t explain to each other. We don’t even understand it ourselves. I expect we are still in the portal of change, and this won’t be how it feels forever.
PS For a period, I was able to go off my anti-depressants, which seems ironic, as it was during the very stressful time of trying to help Vernon. Perhaps the sense of busy-ness and purpose helped lift me out of that natural-to-me behavior. It looks like I’ll be on them again…at least for awhile and for different reasons.
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Keep writing. When you can. You are amazing.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Janet!
Allison, we’ve never met but I’ve been with you on this whole journey. I’m sure there are many souls WITH you that you’ve never seen and never met. Just know that in your most anxious, uncertain moments – you are never alone. Along with the pigeons, we send our prayers to support you. And yes, keep writing because that is such good therapy.
Thank you Cathy. You are so sweet! I can feel that is true!
I don’t like change. Variety is not a spice I enjoy. When my Dad died 25 years ago, I experienced some of what you are describing. It was distinctly unpleasant. But it passed. A new normal always takes more effort over more time than is expected. But you’re wise enough to know that already. Sometimes the truth needs to be re-affirmed and reinforced so that our bent heart can catch up to the Truth our mind already knows. Thank you for your vulnerable candor.
Not a spice you enjoy? I’ll have to remember that one! Thanks for your words…its good to be reminded that this too shall pass and that others can relate to what I’m saying, even if it isn’t very nice.
Allison, I have never lost a spouse but we have lost my Mom, Dad, Bill’s Mom and Dad within 6 days, and our beloved granddaughter at 12. This is a fresh new thing that you are going thru right now. Our Bible study started today and you are on the prayer list. And I will remind the ladies on line to remember you in prayer. Dear, you have my heartfelt love for you and Justine and Maki. Trust in the Lord and when you feel like you can’t go on God is there to be with you and guide you thru this. Am glad that you are still writing.
Love and Hugs,
Becky
Allison, l feel for you, l have been through similar to you over the last six months, like l said before it is a shock. I have got a cheese brain, that’s what l have started calling it, and more you fight it, l have noticed the more it seems to happen. I have loss of memory. Of people and things that l did every day before Andy died, but it is slowly coming back. I have learnt to cry, where ever l am, if people don’t like it, its their problem, you have lost your best friend, your lover and the father to your children, your allowed to feel this, its your body healing, Allison follow what’s happening inside, and let it out, then inside won’t take over the outside, and over the months you will start to be yourself again. Appricate the help that is on offer, and allow others to help you. They want to be their to support and aid you in any way they can. Hope this has helped. And, even though l don’t know you. My thoughts are with you. Tanyaxxx
Feel what you are feeling Allison. Its all good — your emotions are welcome in this world. I love your transparency and honesty. I was reading a book about “Fatherhood” today, and it brought up a lot of deep emotion, and raw sadness. Its real. And its good. In “anxiety” are all of your good emotions just needing to perk up to the surface when its the right time. You are doing so great Allison. Even if you feel like you’re falling apart. You’re not. All of this stuff is simply the raw truth finding its way up and out. You are awesome just the way you are! Keep on feeling what you’re feeling! You are not alone my friend.
Walking with you Allison.. It was during these times I found comfort from prayer and asking God to take my anxiety and the fear of the future and what it may hold away.. Praying for you that as the days and weeks pass, so too will the periods of deep anxiety .. Hugs
Love you!!!
Allison, anxiety is a mean, debiltating thing ….. I go through it also although for different reasons. My hubby was diagnosed with multiple melanomas this week. Different doctors missed these when examined. The most visiable is on his right side of the head and has grown to double its size in a month. So now he has had the xrays, Cat Scan, urine tests, blood tests and tomorrow a PET scan. He will see the onchologist Friday to map out a plan of treatment.
So when I feel the tears coming, I will think of you and hope your day is going smoothly. God knows what we are going through and He has a plan for us. Love you and the children! Sandy
I kind of feel that writing is like exercise to you. It helps in so many ways. And you are brilliant at it!
Love you Allison
Allison, we’ve never met, but you know my sister(whose name is also Alison). Decades ago, you did a portrait of her – in it, she’s giving a cool side eye and holding a cigarette loosely in her lips – and you captured the essence of her young, bold self completely. I’ve loved that painting since I first saw it, and every time I go to visit her, I spend time looking at it. I’ve followed your family’s story for a while, but never commented yet. But today I really want to share a little about what you’re currently going through with anxiety. I’ve dealt with anxiety and panic attacks on and off since my early twenties (and I’m in my fifties now, so I’m an old pro). I want to give you some encouragement. It will pass. In the meantime, be so kind to yourself and do whatever helps. Find things that feed your soul and fill yourself with them as much as you can. Exercise is wonderful. Meds can do wonders. Patience with yourself also helps tremendously. It’s disconcerting and disorienting to have a panic attack, to be sure, but when it happens just let go and ride it out. Don’t worry about what anyone might be thinking. If you’re crying, that’s okay. You just do your thing and keep trucking along. I think you are an amazing woman.
you are the best, already in my book. if you are sisters with my fangirl Jersey Ali (LOVE HER) I’m a fan of you too. Thanks for the words. I do believe this will pass. I’m one of those annoying people who find things pass more gracefully for me if I put it into words. Just one attack today, which came on after a confrontation…it was small, but important to me. Ugh. Gotta let it be. I’ll take your words and have patience with myself. Great to meet you.
Hi Allison,
You are so honest and open in your writing. I think you should put all your blogs into a book so more people can experience the gift you give with your words. You are in my prayers.