A few weeks ago, I asked the Doctor to cut Vernon’s Ativan dose in half. I kept thinking of how he seemed to have slipped so far downward in the last months and realized that was the main thing that had changed. Earlier in the year, he was moved to 4 days a week from 3, and about five weeks ago, he started going 5 times a week. He’s been taking Ativan (as demanded by the Dialysis Center early on) since November. When I looked up information about the drug online, I read it usually should not be taken for more than 2-3 weeks at a time, because it is so highly addictive. I wrote a bit about that here.
I’d started to notice that after that first hour of dialysis, Vernon was acting more uncomfortable than before, especially after the Ativan had left his system, within the first hour of his session. He acted increasingly disconnected and disinterested, keeping his eyes closed, and even some of the EMT’s would ask about him: “He doesn’t talk to us like he used to. Is he doing ok?”
I did a lot of reading on the subject and became more convinced that he has most likely been pickled from the drug, let alone dependent, and if we are going to see his health turn around, we need to get him as detoxed as we can. Seems like quitting the Benzodiazapines was a good place to start. But these things take time, sometimes months to get out of one’s system, and tapering off slowly is crucial. At the same time, we had started giving him some cbd oils to help ease the transition.
After he’d been on a half dose for two weeks, I asked if the doctor would cut it in half again. I was watching closely this week for changes, so I was with him every day since returning. I also sat Dialysis with him to make sure he was okay, feeding him the cbd oils as necessary.
He responded really well, so the next day, Dr. Dan said he would just take him off completely as it was such a small dose now anyway. I was concerned, but with the help of the oils, he has been handling the transition really well.
Just look how relaxed he is!
I was so happy to be hearing some OTHER patients yelling out in discomfort instead of Vernon. Not a very compassionate outlook, but that was a real moment for me.
I’d picked up a copy of Scientific American Mind at the airport and brought it to read to him. As I browsed through it, I noticed an article about the effect of psychiatric drugs on a person’s weight. There was no mention of Ativan or it’s sisters, so I looked up the issue online. I was shocked how many recovering users were posting their stories of how they’d lost weight rapidly (5 pounds a week) on the drug. I asked the technician how much he weighed now. “105,” she said.
105! That means he’s gained four pounds in the last month! This is amazing! if nothing else, maybe we will start seeing some more weight gain on his skeleton. Even that is a breakthrough. ANYTHING is a breakthrough at this point. I was fired up!
When I went to see him yesterday, he was much more alert than he has been all morning. He was fired up, demanding me to move him around. “This is so boring, sitting here! Let’s GO! I need to WORK.” He kept trying to get me to take him across the street. He swore at me a few times, but he was sitting up higher, very alert, and very frustrated.
The doctor asked how he was feeling. “BAD!” said Vernon.
“Does something hurt?”
“No. It’s a BAD situation.”
See, there is some fight left in him after all!
I know the next couple of days (weeks, months?) may be difficult for him, as he recovers from being so tweaked out on Ativan.
I’ve been feeling really angry over the situation as it becomes clearer that we are on the right track with this. Angry that we left him on them for so long. I also take some responsibility as I am the one who signed off on those in the first place. I’m angry that so much time went by without realizing these were such a big part of his problem.
The last couple of days have been very exciting for me. To see him responding so well. So relatively quickly. The jury is still out, and I’ll go up everyday for the next week or two to keep an eye on any changes, but I’m so happily surprised how quickly he seems to be turning around. The EMT’s on Wednesday told me he was like the old Vernon again in the ambulance, chatting about his wife and kids.
It’s sometimes awkward sharing the good things because I’m well aware what a roller-coaster this can be. We might have a few setbacks again today, for all I know. But I feel invigorated about this. I feel the Spirit returning to my side, saying : “this is the right way. Keep going. This is the right way.”
Watch this space.
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praising God with you. I am glad you are brave and courageous and willing to be proactive on Vernon’s behalf. Prayers continue.
I continue to be in awe of you Allison and get re energized by your fireball optimism and strength!!! Bravo Vernon…. You are a warrior!
My breath just caught in my throat when reading this — especially the agony of how long he’s been under this med… What a bittersweet realization, Allison. But there’s light and hope knowing this is the right thing to do now.
Yay! I am so happy for you both in this break through! Had tears reading this. It’s good to have good news, even if there are possible future other setbacks. CBD oils are so great, God put that plant here for good reason. My mother in law has been taking them with her cancer and we are total advocates for them. So happy that you’re so confident in the path that you’re on now with all of this!
yes, seeing amazing results so far. if nothing else, he will hopefully have a better quality of life. thanks for telling me about your mother in law. Hope she is doing better.
Hi Allyson ,
This is very helpful information . I am excited to start working with Vernon and you . He has the right mind set and I felt his faith in God when I was there the other day that was key now we will let God work through all of us . Big Love Mike
Thanks Mike. I’m feeling really good about the timing now too. Looking forward to seeing what happens with you there too!
Applause! I’m so proud of you. It was a risk- entering into unknown territory- but you listened to the prompting. Look forward to hearing more about the CBD oils.
phone date, Lucy?
Yes! We’re moving today (yippee!) but Would you have time tomorrow or Monday. Let me know what’s good for you.
This is amazing, Alli! Holy smokes. You followed your gut, took the reigns and look what’s happening. Mad love comin’ at you from Brooklyn. xoxo
how encouraging.
You all are always input hearts and prayers. ❤️
So great to see you advocating for Vernon. I often wonder if even doctors can know and remember what the side effects are of all the drugs they prescribe and how the multiple combinations may affect their patients. Sad to think that some lives could be vastly improved if only they had someone willing to take the time and show the care that you are showing for your husband. I pray that he will continue to improve.
thank you, Michael! I agree…especially after a long time of use. Some are only meant for short term and do fix the problem at first…but they are so addictive that the side effects/withdrawal become an even bigger problem. I believe they were slowly killing him…but we are still in early days so hoping this will make a long term difference.
This is good news!!
You’re doing an amazing job advocating for Vernon.
Wow-that’s great! So happy for the improvement! Don’t beat yourself up for not thinking of this earlier. There is so much going on that sometimes it just takes time. Vernon is so blessed to have you for his advocate! Celebrating with you!
Oh it brings happy tears to my eyes to read this- knowing how hard the last few months have been- and to see even a tiny bit of a turn around is Huge! And I love his fighting spirit. He needs it– and yours– and ours!
I had no idea Ativan was such a strong drug and could make people lose wait that rapidly. I guess that’s why I Have heard of a some celeb actresses on it before they do another film, etc.
This isn’t your fault. You’re going off whatever info you have at the time and I imagine there’s no one right way in situations like these as people respond so differently to all kinds of drugs. I’m the queen of beating myself up over decisions and “should” haves! As my old counsellor would say– “stop should-ing on yourself”- Ha!
I’m angry with you- that it’s so stinkin hard to know what to do in this Vernon’s situation and it’s left up to you to figure it all out!
Thank God for His wisdom as he directs your steps and eyes to read articles and ears to hear from people with great wisdom. Praying fr more my sweet friend!! Love You, M
Brilliant Allison, just brilliant. Xxx
Al- Please try not to be angry or blame yourself. You are doing EVERYTHING possible within proper realm of reason— as you learn, so you take action- which is more than a LOT of doctors do. You’re dealing what we all deal with in these situations of helplessness- become the cheerleader and secondary medical care for the medics, that, in many cases, seemingly jut don’t care because they aren’t watching what’s happening. They distribute and walk away. If something isn’t a “quick-fix” they, for the most part, walk away and let the advocate do EVERYTHING like you do because they don’t want to try different possibilities for fear of medi-mal-practice. At least this is EXACTLY what happened in my case, both times.
Don’t blame yourself, it is a vicious cycle you do not want to get sucked into. It doesn’t help anyone, especially Vernon. Love and prayers abound <3
Oh dear angel, what a legend you are through all this hardship. Jesus, be glorified for all the perseverance that this family has received, may their efforts and faith not be in vain, do show your miracle power and thank you for imparting wisdom to Alison. Lord give them peace and knowing that all things work together for good, even though they don’t always see it. This bond of love is such a testimony to all. Give Alison a spirit of praise through it all please, always, hold her, comfort her, bless her and reward her. Amen.
Dear Allison,
So glad to hear about Vernon get off highly addictive meds. You are the best he could have to help him thru all of this long journey. Don’t anything about the drug but if he is losing down to 105 your are his best person to stand in his corner. Praise God that you knew that something was not right with him.
Love,
Becky Jones
I completely understand the frustration, if only we say to ourselves. I recently discovered the miraculous effect of adding Magnesium to my body, it has quelled my arrhythmia after 3 years of suffering. Why the article which lead me to Dr. Carol Deans book appeared only now I will never know. I am reminded to forgive myself, and move forward. I think sharing your journey is the best way to turn s (perceived) negative into a positive.
Sometimes we think doctors know whats best when surely we must know inside what is working and what is not. Keep reading, keep searching you’ll find the answers!
Such awesome news!!! I’m praying for more breakthrough!!! XO
What good news this is! Good for you for trusting what you are learning about how to care for Vernon! You are his best advocate!