“The end of a matter is better than its beginning”—Ecclesiastes 7:8
I just dropped the kids off for their last Tuesday of the year. Three more days and then…SUMMER!
If I want to feel proud and accomplished today (which I do!) I will dwell on this truth: We made it through an incredibly challenging year, both schools in opposite directions, both needing to be there at the same time. This has been when the age gap has felt the widest, spreading out a couple extra miles. Lots of tardies and calls to the office. Vernon dying on a school night their first week back. Not being able to show my face at back-to-school night in September. Justine’s early-year grief-group on campus, the family’s later foray into our own grief counseling. Tuesday-volunteering at the elementary school, watching those six- year olds settle into their seven and eight-year old selves by the end of the year. Homework, finished and unfinished. Coexisting with insecure thoughts about my parenting. All those advice phone calls with friends. Inconsistent dinnertimes. Inconsistent cooking. Maki’s finding a voice through his music. Justine’s teeth falling out. Mood swings in all of us. Happy times. Sad times. My managing to pick them up on time most days. Justine crossing the bridge by herself. Maki getting taller than me. Another level of independence in them both. I can hardly believe we made it to the finish line. No wonder we are ready for vacation!
This was the first school-year of grief. If this was the worst of it, I think we will be fine. The point is, we survived!
The next big thing that Maki and I are looking forward to is a trip, first planned over a year ago, to Norway. His mother and his younger siblings will be flying up and meeting us in the north of Norway, which is where he spent many of his childhood years. I’ve never been up that far, nor have I met his grandmother, who still lives there. Maki will be staying longer than I will, as I won’t have Justine with us, but I’m thrilled to be included into the reunion. Even before Maki came to live with us, I imagined that one day he would give us a tour of his Norway. (Just a shame Vernon can’t join us in person). It’s a place I know he still has a nostalgia and perhaps a longing for. I know it will be a special trip for all of us…and it’s finally almost here! We can hardly wait! I’m looking forward to spending quality time with Synnove and her sister (and mother) and watching Maki play with his own younger brother and sister. I’m grateful already. This has been a long time coming.
But first…get through three more days of school. I can smell the freedom!
(photo of the backroom at the studio where Maki has his guitar lessons. Finally a place to use it!) 🙂
I wanted to mark the 23rd of May somehow. The day has been so important to our family since Vernon was hit. Every passing year, we did something special, but this would be the first year that we couldn’t return to him afterwards. I’ve been thinking about that too: how life is simpler because we don’t have to return to him. As much as I miss him, I can remember how hard he had it. It’s right to be thankful that he’s not suffering now (and that we don’t have to watch him suffer.)
So…how to celebrate this day now that it had arrived. How could we make it positive and not sad. Suddenly, I had the idea to buy the kids presents. Doing things for others, after all, is a great way to fight the blues. What would Vernon get his children if he were here? What gift would give them comfort?
I bought Justine a fuzzy blanket…knowing she loves being cozy and snuggly. A blanket is like a warm hug, which is I’m sure what she most misses about having a dad. For now, its’ her favorite thing— it waits for her on her car seat and then goes in and out of the house with her.
Maki said he wanted to go to Guitar Center after school, if only for an hour. I knew Vernon would have dropped everything to give him that small wish, so it was an easy choice. I listened to him play a few different guitars for awhile, then bought him a guitar strap to mark the day. Just like Justine’s love language seems to be wrapped in cuddles, Maki’s voice is securely set in music these days.
For myself, I didn’t get a gift, but decided pretty spontaneously to move my wedding band to my right hand. It struck me as a good compromise…I haven’t wanted to take it off for fear of losing it, but I felt that I needed to make some physical and symbolic change to help me move through a stuck-stage of grief. This is small enough and big enough for me. I tell myself I can always move it back if I want to. But for now, I’m just feeling it out. So far, so good.
In the evening…the ones who could make it from the Tribe of Vernon came together around a fire-pit at the beach. These are the ones who walked through hospice with him and the ones who helped us disperse his ashes. We didn’t talk about him really, we just set up camp, roasted hot dogs and marshmallows, watched the children play, listened to the young ones make their music, and fell into the comfort of familiar togetherness. That’s all that was needed to gently cross the threshold into Year Four.
The program in which I share about Vernon’s connection to Waterloo Sunset was broadcast in the UK on Wednesday and is available to everyone online now. If you have a free half hour, please take the time to listen. Here is the link.
I didn’t know what to expect really. I knew a few other people would be sharing their thoughts on the same song, Waterloo Sunset, but I could barely remember what I had said that day. I knew the producer would make it all make sense somehow, and she did a wonderful job, weaving the stories with one musical thread. Each story was interesting and touching in its own way. It was an honor to be part of such a beautiful show, and I loved how it came out.
Something remarkable seemed to happen when I realized that Vernon’s story had been released over his home island. (And he was singing too! Did he ever think in a million years he would be singing out loud, let alone on the BBC?) It was a new sprinkling of the ashes, so to speak—a way of returning Vernon to the place from which he came, but in story and in song, for others’ ears to hear. It was as if it was no longer my story but something else—something different, told in a way that I could not have done alone. The homing pigeon returns. There was a new feeling of release for me, which filled me with an odd feeling that I can’t escape today. I suppose, other than this blog, and the speaking engagements I’ve had, I knew his story had reached a greater audience—but they weren’t an audience I could see. I just have to trust it went where it needed to go. I received some lovely notes on here and on Facebook from British strangers, who were moved by Vernon’s story. One kind person wrote these to me on Twitter:
It makes me realize how American I really am…I forget that living here. I don’t know how people grieve in the UK because I didn’t live there as a griever. Of course, I also know that over here, each person grieves as they live: in their own fashion. Vanessa told me that after her parents had listened to the show, she thought they would be able to move forward in their own grief. So if I was involved for that reason alone, telling his story this way was a good thing.
Last August, when Vernon was in hospice, my artist friend Ty Clark wrote the following post on his own website. (Original post here) He had been doing a residency in Budapest, but was following our journey from that distance. I only recently realized the impact that Vernon’s impending death had had on him at the time. (And he told me that after hearing his story, another Hungarian artist had created a painting series based on pigeons.) It’s always amazing to me to hear how Vernon impacted others around the world, even in his compromised state—yes, even in death.
My mind is swirling, my heart is weeping, and my eyes are watering my cheeks.
I can hear the wind outside, which means I can feel life around me.
My focus of thought the last few weeks has been revolving around Cosmos in Chaos: The Harmony of Spirit and Matter. Tonight, those thoughts have come to an abrupt defining moment in time. I wrote this poem the day before on the bus after a few hours in the studio as I made my way to the far reaches of Budapest.
All things reaching, striving, breathing,
noticing each other,
all things know harmony,
all things wish for light and life,
balance and air,
wind and touch and taste,
dirt to skin, lungs to dust, blood to water, ocean to song,
all things know.
The husband of a friend of mine is very near the end. She and I met through art and social media, close to 12 years ago (maybe). She happened to be connected to a few dear friends on mine from over the years and we hit it off, due to our love for creating. We had the chance to share coffee and conversation once in San Diego, discussing all things life and art. She is a few years older than myself, which is a rarity, most of my friends are quite a few years younger than me. A few years later, after we met, she ended up moving to England where she met and fell in love with her soon to be husband.
On May 23rd, 2014 her husband was involved in an accident on his scooter while riding back home to the family after a day of mountain biking and good conversation with a close friend. He suffered a broken pelvis, femur, jaw and arm as well as traumatic brain injury. I never had the opportunity to meet him in person. We had emailed back and forth a few times as when he was working on a Kickstarter project for a Font book he was creating. We never did hop on the phone, something I was looking forward to, I know we had a lot of similar loves in the world of the arts and music. He had a son that he brought into the new family when they married and a few years later my friend and her husband had a beautiful daughter together, making their family equal the number four.
(That is a quick historic overview of my friends story, since I have known her.)
Over the last 2 years I have payed very close attention to her wonderful blog that has chronicled their story and journey post-accident. He never returned home since the day of the accident. For the last few years he has been in hospitals recovering and declining and never fully recovering his old self.
The vulnerability and honest emotion she shares on a regular basis is as true and real as our blood and tissue. A rare glimpse into what we all feel, see, show and hide deep inside ourselves. Sharing the things that most people are too afraid of releasing into the air.
Cosmos in the Chaos: The Harmony of Spirit and Matter…….every second of the day, I think on these words.
There is a reason I am sharing this story tonight. I came across a video that she posted today from the hospital room where one of his friends sang “Fake Plastic Trees” by Radiohead to him. (He was moved to hospice this week because his body is in sepsis and his organs are shutting down.) His son sat close by watching his father, she and her mother held each other across from them, at one moment she leans over and kisses his face whispering words that arent heard on camer. I don’t understand their pain. But I feel the suffering and the love, both equally powerful and refining on their own terms. My tears pour down my face and I watch, singing quietly, swallowing hard and also recognizing a pure feeling of love in the looks on the faces, in a spirit on the screen. I am in awe of the perseverance of her story, standing by him the last two years, pushing through the extremely difficult moments and there were many, only to be surprised by extravagant bursts of joy filled moments along the way. She honestly and wittingly writes of every emotion as she welcomes you into their story. You can visit the blog here: http://sansoxygen.com
Here is the video: Fake Plastic Trees:
Where and why do these roads intersect?
We are born into this world from womb and water.
We leave this world through ash or soil.
The Cosmos may welcome us, bringing us from the chaos into things unimaginable.
Our spirit exits in this world to become one with the Creator.
For these reasons line plays such an important and defining role in my artwork. Our story fills in the moments between the first mark and the last. Straight, crooked, up and down, sloppy or perfectly straight. All stories are different and many stories converge. As lines cross, touch, cover or cross out, they are reacting like our human stories. Moving across a sea of open white or a river of rushing colors. Tonight I realized a line that has come across my own has taken me to a thin place here in my room in Budapest. In a moment, through a song, through a face, my world and the divine have met; for only a brief moment. They met, and I am now different. I am again new, and changed. Tomorrow I will paint these thoughts in the studio, and listen to “Fake Plastic Trees” while my emotions, through prayer, will lift up Allison, Vernon, Maki and Justine.
“He who works with his hands is a laborer. He who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman. He who works with his hands and his head and his heart is an artist.” —Francis of Assisi
-1:35pm the following day.
My morning took a little while to get going. I read for a few minutes, spent time in solitude and prayer. I knew that my day working in the studio would be heavy, so I needed to be prepared. I created a playlist that I titled “Cosmos in the Chaos”, that held some songs that I felt reflected my thinking and the world of Allison and Vernon. You can listen here: COSMOS IN THE CHAOS PLAYLIST.
My time working today felt like a 16mm film. My hands, heart and head felt scratched and dusty, flickering through the chaos moment by moment. I knew that I needed to be obedient to the work. I think I did just that. Madeline L’Engle sums up my time today.
“In art, either as creators or participators, we are helped to remember some of the glorious things we have forgotten, and some of the terrible things we are asked to endure… The artist must be obedient to the command of the work, knowing that this involves many hours of research, throwing out a month’s work, of going back to the beginning, or, sometimes, scrapping the whole thing. When the art means even more than the artist knew they meant, then the artist has been listening. And sometime when we listen, we are led to places we do not expect, into adventures we do not always understand.” – Madeline L’Engle
This video is from my morning session. After reflecting on these things I created the piece for my exhibition here in Budapest. “Cosmos in the Chaos: The Harmony of Spirit and matter: When All Things are Made New Again.”
Thoughts move heavy from this chaos,
the electric rush of rivers swarm,
the heavens breathe down from the cosmos.
as gravity holds us to the dirt,
the journey moves onward
in search of sweet harmony
between the spirit and the matter,
to the sea,
to the sea.
Check out more of Ty’s paintings and musings here.
It’s just a few days until the BBC 4 Radio program (programme) that I got to be a part of will be broadcast on the British airwaves. I was asked some months ago to share about Vernon’s connection to the Kink’s song, Waterloo Sunset, which happens to be 50 years old this very year…just like Vernon!Click here for all the information on the program. If you are in the UK, the broadcast times will be 9:00 and 21.30. For listeners in other countries, the recording will be posted on the Soul Music webpage for our convenience. Some of my friends in the UK have already informed me that they’ve heard my voice on the trailers…which is rather exciting and certainly strange for those who weren’t expecting it. (None of them were.) 🙂
Our friend Ian McGlynn’s song will be included today. It’s still available for your listening pleasure (or donation) here. It’s an extra special version of an already meaningful song.
A special cover of Vernon's fav song 'Waterloo Sunset' by friend and singer/song-writer Ian McGlynn. All proceeds support Vernon's recovery! Donate what you can and download a beautiful song in return.
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