Today was a hard day… the end of a challenging week. Vernon is making his improvements, which we celebrate daily, but it seems as he gets stronger, I feel weaker. My tears have flown often the past few days, even though I’m finally able to have an interactive relationship with him again. I’m trying to embrace the paradox.
Here is a lame-disclaimer: I’m struggling with allergies and hope its not a cold coming on. But as Vernon has been teaching me, a virus can throw a mind for a loop, not just the body.
Maybe its that symbiotic bond that couples develop. In a perfect world, we are equally strong. Or when one is down, the other can fight. And then it balances out again and maybe they shift roles. One friend suggested to me that it is as if we are two sides to the same body. When one foot steps forward, the weight falls on the other…when one arm swings forward, the other swings back. If its a healthy relationship, we move in tandem with the other, ebbing and flowing as we move forward. Obviously, in my case lately, its more like one leg forward, the other drags.
In my Barre class, the instructor often tells us that the side of the body that is getting the real workout is the stabilizing side, not the moving side. So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that as Vernon gets better in all areas, and some of the pressure is taken off, I am suddenly feeling so tired and weak. Until now, I would say that Vernon has always been the stabilizing partner in our marriage. No wonder I feel the fatigue: these muscles are new to me.
What a perfect picture Vernon’s current lopsided physicality happens to be right now.
Of course he is not aware of this yet…he THINKS he can walk because he used to be able to, because he WANTS to. ThHe hasn’t quite got his head around his disabilities because he hasn’t been getting physical therapy at this new place. In fact, it won’t be till our Insurance has approved the new PT’s assessment (she called me today.) And even her assessment had to be approved by Insurance. What a racket! (But at least we have some. I know it could be worse.)
The longer he goes without speech, physical, or occupational therapy, the slower his recovery is. This could be setting him back physically for weeks. Of course this is upsetting, but I have yet to know what our alternatives are. If that is what he needs, I pray they show up…because I don’t have the energy to chase them. I get calls that he is becoming more aggitated. But I’ve noticed that when he has company, he becomes more relaxed and coherent. Obviously he isn’t doing well the hours he doesn’t get attention.
I’m fighting the guilt that I can’t be there all the time. I know its not healthy or positive, especially as these thoughts come stronger when I’m feeling tired.
Again the mystery: the stronger he gets, the more tired I feel. Please know that through expressing all this, I am not looking for sympathy or even for solutions. I am just trying to document our journey. To remember it later. And this is just one of those days. If readers want to be helpful, please keep these things in your prayers. We could both use a little extra Supernatural Power at the moment!
I don’t have a photo of Vernon from today, but here is one from a few years ago…his working holiday to Istanbul that Justine and I tagged along on. A good reminder of what his working right arm looks like!