What a privilege to have so many hands helping us with our move. Some were close friends and some just willing volunteers, who heard we needed a hand. It was remarkable: I counted at least 18 people that showed up between the two houses. We only moved two blocks away, but still, there was quite a lot to be done. We began at nine, and everything was moved over by noon. Some stayed behind to help deep clean, while others unpacked boxes and found places to put things away in the new house. It was like an Amish barn-raising: many hands make short work. I just love how this community takes care of us. It truly feels like we are carried over potentially-stressful times by hands of love. The house was set up with what we need to live with by evening…including the kitchen and the kid’s rooms. I’ll slowly get to the other boxes over the coming weeks….we are set for now.
We love our new home, but being here now is slightly bittersweet. It has hit me several times that it does feel strange to not have Vernon moving in with us. When I individually asked Maki and Justine for their thoughts on this, they agreed: “It feels like Daddy doesn’t live with us anymore.” I know what they mean, though I wouldn’t say it so plainly. His marks were still all over the old house, his stuff everywhere—in drawers, on counters, in corners, all over the garage. Now that things have been packed in boxes, his things aren’t the first taken out. They will be, in time, but it really feels like JUST three of us live here. Though we have been living as three for months, it felt like Vernon was just on a trip or something…it still felt like he lived with us.
Anyway, he is coming back eventually. And he can leave a new mark on the house then.
It was such a busy day and the mover’s energy was so quick, I never even reached for my camera. Somebody did though (you know who you are) so I found a few random pictures of the morning hidden on my photo disk when I looked at it tonight. Here they are…
That was a fun surprise!
Here are a couple that I took of the craigslist chairs my mom recovered as my Christmas present. She brought them over tonight. Isn’t she brilliant?
Thank you mom…and thank you EVERYONE who helped us yesterday and through the week. We couldn’t have done this alone.
As I was not able to visit Vernon today, some of his other friends brought him company. Our dear friends Joe and Nancy Severson and Sandy Hazen, who have already visited on numerous occasions, sent me pictures of their time together. Sandy must have been taking them, as she isn’t showing up in these. (Sandy, by the way, has taken time out of her busy life to help me pack boxes every single day this week…and then found time to go see Vernon as well.) Our family is so grateful to these big-hearted friends.
“Who hears music, feels his solitude peopled at once.” —Robert Browning
Joe brought his guitar and he and Nancy sang a few songs they had prepared just for Vernon. Sandy brought her little Ukulele, which Vernon tried to play, before admitting his eyes couldn’t see well enough to find the strings with his right hand. Something to work on…
Joe also brought a book filled with pictures of vintage travel posters, which they both enjoyed perusing.
They were all impressed at how much he has recovered since they saw him last, and they have committed to visiting him every Friday that they can make it. I expect its these kinds of visits, knowing other people want to hang out with him, that will bring new improvements. Music and Friendship…such food for the soul!
In other news, we picked Maki up from the airport today, much to Justine’s obvious delight. He had a great time, of course. I”ll admit I’m a bit jealous, I’ve never been to New Zealand.
I think he might have grown another inch or two as well. Is that possible in three weeks? I hear his stepdad IS the greatest cook on the planet though…so it is likely.
We will move tomorrow morning. The house is packed and as ready as its going to be. We’ll say goodbye to another home and hello to a new season.
I wish I had more to report from my visit with Vernon today, but since he was a little sick (a bit of cold an nausea, nothing serious, just uncomfortable) I can only say that he handles these things with a newfound gentlemanly flair. No, its not newfound… more like amplified. I love it, though I feel bad that he felt bad today.
Isn’t it wild that its New Year’s Eve again? Time usually flies, but for us, this year slooooowed down big time. I suppose that’s a gift in many ways. Don’t we all want to slow down time, especially as we get older? I learned to survive/thrive by living in the present moment, not looking too far into the future. And I hope it becomes a long term practice. Life seems to last longer that way, you get more out of it. It feels as if I got at least two years worth out of this one. Of course Vernon probably thinks its still summer, he missed a lot of months. So again, we balance each other out…like the quintessential married couple.
This past week has been more emotionally charged than usual. The other day, a friend sent me a link to a facebook page made by the family of a young man who had been hit by a car on Christmas Eve. It was a hit-and-run, and apparently, the frightened driver didn’t return to the scene to alert 911 for a half hour. They haven’t said that made a difference to the outcome, but I’m guessing it played a part. The young man had multiple fractures and brain trauma. The family pulled together in vigil for him, and they posted his updates on social networks, not unlike we did in the early days of Vernon’s coma. It was amazing to see read the responses of friends and strangers pulling together to pray and send heartfelt thoughts to this man and his family. I felt like I was in a Twilight Zone episode…experiencing a similar story to ours from a different vantage point. The shock, the intensity, the ticking moments, the peace/panic combo, the faith, the worry. I don’t even know these people and yet I cried for them all week. I felt what they were going through and wished I could be a help, but I knew I couldn’t ….just like people couldn’t help me by telling me their stories in the early day: all I could see was Vernon’s story.
But this week, I felt a shift. I saw that these are the kinds of stories I will be attracted to for a long time. Stories of accidents and traumatic brain injuries. A corner had been turned, and now I realize I am the experienced one while I watch others suffer under a cloud of fear and unknowing. Its a relief to not be in that state anymore…not in that raw shock and anxiety. Wishing and praying and believing against the odds that your loved one will make it. I thought about this man and family every day and cried for them, realizing I was also feeling some of my own hidden pain from this summer.
And just as I got caught up in philosophizing all this, knowing without a doubt I’d be watching this young man recover as if I was watching a time-warp of Vernon’s own recovery, cheering him on as if we were all in some disturbing TBI relay, he passed away. The damage was too much. The collective HOPE wasn’t enough. He was only 28.
Some people make it, some people don’t. None of us know why… we can pound our fists or talk circles around the subject, but we don’t get much closer to knowing.
I watch these stories and feel confused because I’m happy Vernon survived…I feel like we won the lottery! But I hurt so much for those who didn’t. I can feel their pain more than I ever might have before, because these stories make me realize what a miracle it is that Vernon survived at all. I don’t think I’ve wrapped my head around that one yet.
It really hurts to feel a touch of other’s pain, but I don’t think its a bad thing. Empathy…doesn’t it grow our hearts too? It is healthy to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice.
This was supposed to be a grateful reflection on New Years Eve, but apparently I had to get a few other thoughts off my chest first. And I am grateful, I just don’t feel HAPPY and grateful. Do they have to be mutually inclusive?
I do wish a Happy NEW YEAR to everyone reading this. I’m sure it will be an interesting one, if you are open to that kind of thing. 🙂 And maybe even if you aren’t! We look forward to growing as a family and in all of our relationships. Thank you to all who have been a tremendous support to us…whether vocal or shy. Our family feels the love, its been amazing. Love is truly all around. It’s good and its powerful, even if we don’t know the outcome of our stories. It is in LOVE that I plan to go on…whatever happens. I wish that for you too!
I don’t have much time to write tonight as I’m busy packing up our house. I had the option of staying in this house a little longer or moving in to the new one a little sooner, and in the end I decided though it would be best to just made a mad dash of it and move in before school starts again next week and we will have be back to the constraints of regular scheduling: homework, school-runs, music lessons, etc. We can start the year as we mean to go on, not in the middle of moving.
I’m glad we are doing it now, because I finally received Vernon’s Medicare confirmation in the mail. Yay! Yay! Yay!
Now that the elusive paperwork is in my hot little hand, I don’t actually have time at the moment to get the ball rolling to the next stage of Vernon’s rehabilitation. But I have a cunning plan up my sleeve, and hopefully we can will soon be able to move Vernon to a place where he can get the therapy he needs. So the sooner the kids and I get settled in, the sooner we can get Vernon into his new home. It’s so interesting that these things are happening at the same time. The parallel universe of our family.
Anyway, one thing at a time. I’m preoccupied with packing boxes and shopping for a fridge today. It’s all going well until its time to empty the various ‘man drawers,’ and I must decide which things of Vernon’s I am allowed to throw away.
I think Michael McIntyre puts things in perspective in this hilarious video. Welcome to our world.
“A person isn’t who they are during the last conversation you had with them – they’re who they’ve been throughout your whole relationship.” Ranier Maria Rilke
I love talking with Vernon, and I think he likes talking with me. But he really loves it these days when someone else comes to visit. Fresh conversation, among other things. I can also see different aspects of his personality, memory, or imagination emerge in unique ways in these visits.
Today, my brother Hyatt went up with me to visit Vernon during his dialysis session.
Here he is, either asking some random question I never would have thought to ask…or else listening to some stream of brilliance from Vernon’s big mind.
Hyatt had all kinds of questions, like: “What would you write if you wrote a book?”
Vernon had a thoughtful answer for everything, even if it didn’t always make sense…it was filled with confidence and imagination. The truth is, most of it did. He spoke a lot about his philosophy of work. That he wanted to be paid as well as be treated well for what he did, rather than just give his time and talent away. That sounds good to me, too. He wanted to know that people appreciate him and his effort.
Among other fascinating moments in the dialogue, he mentioned that he liked being asked to pray at the Christmas lunch the other day. He said it was nice to be included in such a way. It seems he is ready to offer something back to the world, not just sit and be taken care of. That’s a very good sign of a mind returning, I think. It’s as if his soul is expressing itself to us in these moments. Basic things that maybe we all would feel, but that we forget to stop and recognize. And because he has been still (and then a little mixed up) for so long, it feels that everything he tells us has a level of profundity to it, when they are simply universal thoughts.
The other day when he ‘blessed’ the meal, he said something wonderfully deep and contemplative. I won’t get it right, but it was something like: “Our Father, thank you for bringing us into a quiet place where we can know ourselves and have peace.” This was in the nursing home courtyard, surrounded by wild sugared-up child-cousins as well as rooms with sleeping long-term patients. The word peace wasn’t lost on me there, but I wondered what it meant to him after all these months. Perhaps he was just thinking of the current moment…a Christmas wish.
So today Hyatt asked him if he wanted to pray again. And Vernon just started in, surprising us both. He asked that I would be able to find a new home (Hello! Already answered!) and that Maki would come back safely and “know he was loved” and finally, he asked that he would learn to stop calling me Synnove (which he often does—it doesn’t bother me, its just the name he has longest in the ‘wife’ part of his brain.) I thought every single one of those thoughts was incredibly sweet. Can I get an AMEN?
It was a lovely afternoon. I saw another deep layer come up to the light. Thank you, Hyatt for helping him form and release his thoughts.
The best Christmas present for me this year? My brother Hyatt and his wife Nicole and their four kiddos coming down from Palo Alto for Christmas (and the several days around it.) They could have made a special Christmas for themselves in the comfort of their own home amongst their dearest friends but they decided to make the seven hour trek with a minivan full of young kids just so we could all be together. Hyatt said he’d thought about what he could bring us this year…and he decided a visit was easier than giving a kidney. I appreciate it! And of course the whole family brought the experience to Vernon at the nursing home. Christmas just doesn’t feel like Christmas in our family if it isn’t loud and slightly chaotic. So sorry to all the resting folk who had hoped for peace on earth for Christmas, I hope you got that after we left.
Nicole and the littlest Moore, Lucas, arrived first (with Justine and I) while Vernon was eating lunch. I had to laugh as Vernon was using the same excuses for not clearing (or actually even starting) his plate as some of the children had that same morning at pre-presents breakfast. “I already ate most of it!” Obviously nothing had been touched. But no matter! It’s Christmas…there are more exciting things to be had.
Vernon was introduced to one-year old Lucas, and he was riveted, as you can see in the above photo. He kept calling him “Maki.” He went as far as to ask Justine if she was taking care of young Maki before we were able to explain to him that this was Lucas, his nephew. I marvel at the time-warp of Vernon’s mind and the way he perceives his loved ones in this stage. There is something very profound and even heavenly about it. Like its the way we would all maybe process things if we weren’t so socialized and bracketed about it all.
I am using the wrong words, I think. I just mean…there is something wonderful about Vernon’s emotional associations lately that make me wonder if in some ways his brain is coming back fresh, despite his injuries, as if he is using parts of it that the rest of us evolved adults aren’t even able to access. They say we only use 10 percent, after all…
But I digress. Before we left the house, 7-year old Kaiya announced to me that her plan for the afternoon was to “teach Uncle Vernon to remember.” She was probably the only one of us who actually went with a plan and stuck with it.
And I’ve got to say, I admire her for it. She spent the whole time making up new lessons for him…starting with Math. He seemed to do well with the +zero category. In fact, it wasn’t long before she said, “I’ve got to make this harder!”
In the meantime, my mom brought a slightly-British “High Tea” of finger sandwiches and a selection of tea bags and cookies.
And the band played on…
Early on, we had to let the kids know that they needed to treat this central courtyard like “a library.” You know...as in to be quiet? I don’t know that they took that to heart for long, but knowing Vernon and his susceptible imagination, I shouldn’t have been surprised when he authoritatively pulled his daughter aside and told her: “Justine, you must play quietly. All these surrounding rooms are filled with people trying to read BOOKS.”
It was a sweet and funny statement, but what actually struck me is that he was being slightly commanding with her for the first time in months. And for those that know Vernon, that tone of voice was rare even in the old days. Just making a note of it. I saw him kind of reclaiming his role of a Dad in that moment. Interesting to me, anyway.
Here is Vernon trying to read the beautiful card his sister sent him from England. His reading cursive is difficult still…ironic as he was a font designer in his former life. BUT he loves trying and he loved the card and recognized the photo of the two of them straightaway. I think its all good though…the right brain gets its fix and the left gets its challenge.
More presents from sweet little elves. So pleased that Vernon is using his right hand now as well…even if his shoulder and upper arm still seem stuck.
Best gift of clothing I ever gave Vernon! FINALLY nailed it! A shirt he liked. He even said. “This is the kind of shirt I would have bought if I were buying it on my own!”
I’ve never been able to get Vernon a piece of clothing he actually loved. Its never cut right or comfortable enough…yadda yadda. The Prince and The Pea, I got it. So I should probably admit that this Fred Perry shirt was something I found in a box he had ordered (maybe the size wasn’t right and he had meant to send back) 8 months ago or so. I deserve no credit. However, he seemed thrilled to open this gift. RESULT!
All the clothes he received (as well as wheelchair blanket, that he was NOT excited about: made him feel old) were then sent off to have his name written in the collars and corners. How clever of his folks to make us all individual t-shirts: “THANK YOU, I’M DOING FINE!” (says Vernon’s.)
My mom bought him the most interactive gift: arm weights! I didn’t even think of that! After the above pictures, he moved one over to his troublesome right arm on his own. Way to go!
Throughout the visit, Kaiya continued to try to “teach Vernon to remember.” It was becoming more obvious that spelling and reading and drawing were proving more difficult for him than his earlier sums.
I can’t believe I didn’t nab a photo of the beautiful Nicole in this set. Well, make up for it by looking at her fabulous professional work here.
Anyway…it was a great day. One for the books, for sure. We will remember it and hope that he does too.
Here is Kaiya’s report card for Uncle Vernon. Math was good. Looks like he needs some work in Language and Art and Spelling. F-? Ouch.
Well, at least we have room to improve. Lets do it in 2015! We believe in you, Vernon.
A special cover of Vernon's fav song 'Waterloo Sunset' by friend and singer/song-writer Ian McGlynn. All proceeds support Vernon's recovery! Donate what you can and download a beautiful song in return.
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