I had hoped to write a post on Christmas Eve, if for no other reason than to record some of that day’s magic before it was gone like most other details of my memory banks. It’s already late December 26th, but the magic has lasted all three days.

This is the first Christmas season that I felt I had to work through. I put in a lot of thinking and writing and talking and listening time this month. It felt the closest to grieving I’ve come yet.  And it was beautiful, I knew it was…even in the midst of it. I’m a 44 year old woman, I’ve had plenty of Christmases away from my family traditions, let alone my family. But in the heart of it, I may always long for the Christmases of childhood, when it never seemed like anyone was missing…ever.

I remember one Christmas, maybe 15 years ago, before everyone was married off with their extended family and children of their own, and we were all so sad that he couldn’t make it home from Hawaii, where he was stationed. We’d already begun unwrapping our gifts that morning when the doorbell rang and he walked in, carrying all the unopened packages we’d each sent him by mail. Eventually we moved on to the grownup and married versions of ourselves and got used to the fact it was always going to be a little different, that Christmas was about flexibility and trying to get as many beloveds together as possible, wherever one might spend the holidays that year. You never miss family members as much as you do during the holidays, which makes it especially hard for those who have lost or been separated from loved ones—at any time of year. Last year, my brother (along with his wife) saved the day again, by bringing their family down to celebrate Christmas at my parent’s house and later in the day, with Vernon, presents and all.

It was going to be a lot quieter this year, with just the two kids, my parents and myself. As my place has been decorated since December 1st, it seemed appropriate that the giving festivities should be at ours this year. I’d never hosted it before in my life, and I realized we didn’t have to be tied to anything we’d experienced before if we didn’t want to. We’d do breakfast: my favorite meal to share and the easiest for a non-chef to do.  What freedom! What a chance to make new traditions (if we decide to return to them in the future.) Who are these kids this year… who is Vernon…me…my mom and dad? Lets make it work for all of us in our ever-changing lives.

Justine was absolutely delightful this year at Christmas. I overheard her say “I can’t wait till Christmas…I’ve been waiting for it since I was just a little kid.” Oh, the anticipation was delectable! If draping the house with ribbons and sparkly bits and wrapping every loose thing she could get her hands on (tape, hairbrushes, old toys, misplaced jewelry) then placing it under the tree wasn’t enough, she helped me by decorating the table with china with her favorite Christmas foods, candy canes and mini-marshmallows. I thought it looked amazing.

The kids cleaned up well for the Christmas Eve church service, Maki raiding the boxes in the garage for one of his dad’s nice shirts and an overcoat. I thought he looked very Whovian, wearing his dad’s collared shirt and overcoat. And we managed to get two sort-of french braids in Justine’s hair for the first time ever. I took so much joy in having them near me.

The service was beautiful. My dad spoke on incredibly mystical and meaningful things about the birth of Christ while he painted a nativity scene for a captive audience. The traditional carols were so moving, I cried. Then the candlelights came out. It felt so good to be a part of something bigger, maybe especially since our immediate family feels extra-small this year. Small only in quantity, not quality.

Afterwords, we added hot chocolate to Justine’s buffet and watched the movie, Elf. A movie we all can watch and enjoy at once is a rare thing at their ages. We loved every minute.

Our numbers may be small, but that didn’t stop us from enjoying four different Christmases through the day. Gift giving was a blast, I don’t know how we ended with so much. The kids were pleased with their bounty, and maybe for the first time for either of them, made the effort to gifts as well as receive them. I think we all were feeling incredibly grateful. To top things off, Maki got his first pet since coming to live with us: a fish that he seems quite enamored by. His name is Pablo.

We went to see Vernon, who was in good spirits. My mom had made a picnic which included a egg salad, guacamole, rice pudding, and cheese spread—all soft enough for Vernon to partake. He seemed up for the festivities for about twenty minutes, in which he opened presents. He even opened the boxes sent from his family in England while on Skype with them. This was the first time since the accident that we have been able to Skype, due to the time zone and the constraints of wifi and of course, his disability. We had tried the day before with Vanessa and her family, but he hadn’t been up for it, so I was so pleased it worked out when his parents were on the other end as well. Here is a taster:

Vernon was wonderful, even though he was overwhelmed very quickly and needed to return to bed.  We always look forward to being with him, but we never know what we are going to get, so to have him so open to the experience yesterday was heartening for us all. His Christmas gift to us, I suppose.

After that, we stopped by our friends the Ketchams. Though we were invited to stay for dinner, we had just come to be in their company on our favorite day. Andrea’s mom, Louise, you may remember, is recovering from a stroke in August. She was there too, which is always so interesting to see how this family is handling the changes. They are doing a great job. I think Justine’s being there may have made her day. Luiga is a big fan. We love her (and her family) too. (The first of these photos was taken by Justine…can you tell?)

I left my camera in the car for the next leg of our day, but we ended up having a wonderful time with my friend Sandy, whose 15 year old grandson Shane was visiting from Washington. Maki had met him before so we knew they would enjoy each other’s company, playing their fantasy card game and talking Star Wars. Also in the mix was Shane’s mother who he had come to visit especially. She has early onset Alzheimer’s and with each visit, he sees less of the mother he remembers. Life is so hard. But its joyous to, especially when we can be together.

Somehow this was the year I feel like I graduated into a new understanding. My real family is huge, ever growing. If we had everything we had before, we wouldn’t get to experience the freedom of sharing the holiday with an even greater family…yes, those on the edges, all dealing with elements of profound loss. This is touching the heart of humanity.These are my people, and I am blessed to get to share both in their joy and suffering. We want life to be perfect, but maybe its better when its not…just look at the treasures you find!