What a week. Not a whirlwind of activity, but a slowing-down. Time and intention seemed to change for me these days. I barely saw Vernon, thanks both to the women who patiently sat with him during dialysis and to Justine, who’s fever kept me home with her. I did manage to file my taxes on Wednesday…so that stressy obstacle was crossed. But new anxieties over Covered California have arisen since then. I’ve been concerned that Vernon’s insurance may have to change in the middle of this. (I’m writing this boring stuff down as a memory-marker, by the way…I won’t go on about that anymore tonight.)
I’ve been working through the blues, but I think I’m on the gentle upswing again, getting some momentum back. Many years ago, when I was first being diagnosed for Depression, I remember answering questions and questionnaires —the defining factor seemed to be if one was suffering from certain listed symptoms over the course of two weeks. So when I reached the two week point recently, I got nervous. What if this is THAT THING again, what if this doesn’t go away? It’s quite scary, worried that things are out of control, especially with my long-term partnership with the illness. I’m not debilitated yet, but my emotions had certainly become sluggish and heavy. I’ve had to remind myself that this isn’t necessarily chemical/clinical, but due to the circumstances, highly normal, if not expected.
Now, like I said, I can feel the energy coming back. The two weeks didn’t beat me. (Actually, I just looked back tonight and realized that I only scored 13 out of 27 on the test above.) But it feels important to FEEL things.
Someone told me recently that feeling pain in your heart is good…they make you feel alive…they make life seem more real. And the tears, I believe, are detoxing. Sometimes you just have to let it take its time to get out.
I meant to share a whole bunch of other things: significant things that occurred this week and today’s Vernon update. But I couldn’t write those without first writing this.
No picture today. Just a big exhale.
PS I’ve always thought that this season with Vernon was probably easier for me because I’d gone through such a struggle with Depression in the past. I’d gained the tools, steadfastly working though that (with counsellors and medication) over many years. Those tools never left me and I believe they helped me a lot over the past couple of years, especially. If you struggle with Depression, please don’t feel ashamed. (That’s the first thing it will tell you…with debilitating thoughts. Symptom #1.) The TRUTH is: you aren’t alone and as hard as it is, you will get better…just take a step and tell someone you trust. It feels like a big thing. But you can do this.
“What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step.”
—Antoine de Saint-Exupéry