On Tuesday, I sat with Vernon during dialysis and he was as chipper as he was the night before. At one point, the word Facebook came up.
“I heard some nurses discussing Facebook, ” he said. “And I wondered if it was still a thing?”
I assured him that it was indeed still a thing, then he asked if he could look at his page. I promised him I’d bring the iPad that a friend recently donated to him and he could Facebook himself.
Thankfully, I was able to retrieve his password so I opened it up for him today, first changing his profile picture to an old one that struck his interest. It seemed fitting.
I love the between-worlds-ness of it and that he is moving.
His old friend in Norway liked the picture. I asked Vernon if he wanted to send him a message. He said he would if I could type. So he left him this: How is it going? I’m having a bit of a holiday at the moment, letting my wife look after me whilst I play some ping pong. Goodbye. See you soon.
I was moved that he wanted to reach out. I asked if he’d like to leave a message for his sister. He said: Hi Vanessa. How’s it going? We are on a holiday at the beach for the time being, and it feels weird being away, but it’s kind of fun too. Goodbye. Hope to see you soon. All my love, Vernon
He went on to comment on a couple of other pictures that his old friends had posted. Then we looked at his old photos. He wanted to see pictures of himself. Funny thing, he always HATED having his picture taken, so there weren’t that many. But when he did see himself, he exclaimed: “I’m quite good looking there” and “I like my face there.” He went on: “I like who I am!” In that moment, I felt such a peace about him, so different from what we’ve experienced lately. What a blissful place to be: “I like who I am.”
We found old pictures of him and Justine. “Keep these for her,” he said. “They will be very important to her when she is older.” I promised I would.
When we came across pictures of Maki, he said: “We need to bring him in more. He hasn’t been coming around.” (Little did he know that I have been discussing this with Maki at home. I know he’s been avoiding contact with his dad, and though I want to honor this difficult space in him, I’ve been trying to coax discussions about his reasons. He’s been dealing with it, but that isn’t what I want to express here now.)
He went on: “Maki’s at an important age. He should be telling me about the details of his life. I want to know about it. We need to bring him in more.”
I promised I would. In fact, as soon as I picked up Maki from his guitar lesson (Justine was at my mom’s) I told him I wanted to go back up to see his dad. He could go tonight or we could take the day off school and he could go with me then. He opted for tonight. I had already talked about the potential of death with him over the weekend, so I think he felt like I did: this is an opportunity, take it while you have the chance. Vernon isn’t necessarily going to be clear like this for awhile. This is a gift. This is nice.
Maki was brave and wonderful when we arrived at Mesa Verde. His dad was awake, moving around on his mattress, and most importantly, his eyes were clear. Vernon asked Maki about school and what he was doing. They just talked about basic things and interests, but Vernon, as squirmy as he was, clearly wanted to connect in conversation. As he rolled around, getting off the bed and onto the mat on the floor, Maki tried to help him. “No, I can do it. I’ll get there eventually,” he said. And he did. At one point Maki was able to help move him further onto the bed. “You are really good at that,” Vernon told his son.
He flipped and got angry and impatient a few times but was able to relax before we left. He hugged us each and told Maki: “We really should spend more time together.”
On the way home, I asked Maki: “Do you understand why I talk to you about such hard stuff? I know its not fair, but I’d rather you have the choice of being involved than have me hide these things from you. You can always tell me when it’s too much. I don’t want you to have regrets later. Anyway…are you glad you came?”
“Yeah.”
152
…IF
(an excerpt for you and Maki)
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
to sere your turn long after they are gone,
and still hold on when there is nothing in you
except the will which says t them, “Hold on.”
~Kipling (one of my Dad’s favorites)
I was very moved by this entry Al.
You are doing everything far beyond the “norm”
that is, if there ever IS a “norm” for situations such as
these type of transitions.
Xx ~E
just a wonderful post today Allison .. such hope ..you are still a family , for now grab every moment you can have together ..hug and love each other while you can, these moments will never come back ..but will be remembered for always xx
xx thank Vern for my message yesterday..it was so wonderful to read ..i have waited so long for a message from my dear brother ..i so miss our times on facebook..so for now i will carry it in my heart..yesterday we were all so blessed ..thank you for that chance Allison xx love to you all xx
ps ..will email you later with news from our first “headway” meeting, last evening .. have a meeting with aaron today and lewis has early finish time from school today … but will make the time to write …
Maki is becoming like you: brave, compassionate, patient, and wise beyond his years. Can’t help but wonder how God intends to use these qualities as he continues to grow and mature. Such a beautiful post, Alison! Thank you once more for sharing your heart and mind!!
love you and your wisdom
Loved the hopefulness in this post Allison! I was just reading John 5:5 about Jesus healing the man that was crippled for 38 years and thinking what a long time that is to wait for a healing…yet at just the right time Jesus came along and touched him and he was healed! Reminds me of a song from Wales that I listen to that says “just one touch from the King changes everything!” I believe Jesus is touching Vernon and he is responding at this time to all the love and prayers being poured out for him. You are so amazing Allison in how you are dealing with all of this. We pray for wisdom for you continually and we are so thankful that you are hanging in there and doing the best for Vernon. God truly gave him an amazing wife! What a journey!!! Sending big love to you and the kids, Nancy and Joe
Well, this one brought tears to my eyes. The word that I think of is yearning. “Do you understand why I talk to you about such hard stuff? I know its not fair, but I’d rather you have the choice of being involved than have me hide these things from you. You can always tell me when it’s too much. I don’t want you to have regrets later.” I’ll have to sit with this one. Love to you.
Vernon’s child-like response to seeing his own image is very moving, the editing mechanism as been temporarily disconnected. Powerful post as you engage this life process with Maki & Justine. Your transparency is so dang inspiring!
This is so wonderful to read today. I know we do not understand what it means, but it is, like you noted, a gift to be examined and treasured that God has allowed to you to hold and savor.
Blessings to you each. God is looking and loving.
“I like who I am!”
Sounds like a good self help book title. Love that Vern’s on a holiday at the beach.
And the fact that he knows the pics will be important to Justine someday is so beautiful. Yes a brave and beautiful wife, mother and friend. I like who you are!
Allison,
Maki and you are doing what is right for Vernon. Bless all of your hearts at this time of that knowing what is going on. Maki may have a further in dealing this sort of patient. With the head damage and the trouble that Vernon has been to you and your family. Maybe God is preparing Maki for something like dealing with people like Vernon is know at this time. We are praying for you and Vern and the family. I still a short version and put it on the site and I have had members ask for your address. And at one of them has checked the sansoxygen.com. So be careful with Allison and take care of all the rest.
Hugs,
Becky
It’s so good to read this. Maybe after these last weeks you all can be less caught up in all the medical things and feel more relaxed. That’s what I hope, I know it’s not easy with all the things going on. But give yourselves space too. It’s good that Maki has been allowed to have some “time away”. And so great that when you feel Vernon is “better”, you drive Maki up the same day. Thank you so much! You are a star! Lots of love
Maki went to Joshua Tree for the weekend! I think that boulder climbing will give him a nice ‘away time’ after a difficult and strange couple of weeks. It’s his happy place! (He’s with Chris and his family.)