I met the ambulance at dialysis yesterday. Vernon was already in a bad state…he did NOT want to go. Even when we gave him his calming oil, which usually works in ten minutes or so, he resisted. I waited in the waiting room while they set him up with the machine, but I was called in shortly after. He wasn’t letting anyone access his port, let alone touch him, and could I convince him? I talked to him gently and gave him pieces of chocolate, but he still squirmed and resisted, telling me to leave. Usually, I can talk him down, but this time, I couldn’t. He started throwing things around the room, whatever he could find: his pillow, the plastic clips on his tray. The nurse looked at me helplessly. “Do we need to skip today?” I asked. The nurse nodded in relief. Fortunately the ambulance hadn’t left yet, so they packed him back up and took him home.
This is the first time he has resisted dialysis successfully. I assume they came make it up on Monday, but it is a concern. Maybe it will be his kidneys that kill him.
I recognize less of him in there than ever. Last week, I thought maybe he was 10% percent of who he used to be. Now I’d say less. It’s only his body and his voice that I recognize. I think he is fading, and rather quickly. Now he can come back, just as it always is…a step forward, a step back. He still has better days and worse days. But his quality of life is so low, I can understand why he’s over it all. (Joe tells me Vernon often speaks of wanting to die.) His is not a good life, what is left of it.
But here we are. Things can change. But in my heart, these days, I think he is slowly dying. And I am ready to let him go.
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What a heartfelt entry, Allison.
So full of honesty and love.
xo
Oh Allison My Heart Hurts, I am so sorry. We are here for you and continue to pray for God’s Healing, Comfort & Peace, the kind of peace that surpasses all understanding. XXOO we Love you!
Oh Alison, wow. I don’t know what to say except that you remain as real and full of goodness as ever! The way you have captured this journey for the kids and yourself is so important. Feel loved amazing woman.. You are!!!
Allison,
I am so sorry for the situation that he is in at the present time. I am really surprised that he has made it this far. Prays are coming your way.
God may have a something in this for you and Justine and Maki. God be with you and you children.
Becky
Allison – tears come easy. May God wrap His arms around you and hold you, Maki and Justine very tightly – showing He is there! marlys
This post brought the tears more than the others. Letting go is the hardest part of all, but watching our loved ones suffer is even harder. Mourning a loss while still holding on (because they are still here) is such a paradox to our mind, body and soul. We’ve gone through this process with our son (because of cancer), and it is excruciating. I know your blog is part of the “getting through” and healing process for you, but in the mist of it all you still reach out to try to help other (as in your last post). You are an amazing woman Allison, and your honesty and transparency are such a breath of fresh air in a world where illusion rules our society. I know we serve a good God, and He has a purpose in all things. May His strength, grace, peace, and perfect timing be yours in all you do. God bless you Allison. Thank you for allowing us to share your journey.
Heartbreaking….you have stayed the course with such grace and dignity Allison. You have been an ambassador of love to Vernon and an for your children, an amazing example of how to walk through the storms of life and not give up. Grace and mercy for Allison, Lord Jesus
Oh, Sweet Allison. So courageous and so heartfelt. While it is not the same I remember the last weeks of my father’s life feeling the same way and was so grateful when he let go. Your love and devotion to Vernon are so evident and touching. Sending you lots of love and prayers for peace.
I silently screamed after I read this. It definitely reminded me of the last months with my mom. She told us she was ready. And then she’d bounce back for weeks. So we didn’t really listen. We thought “it’s fixed.” Once she stressed that she was really ready to go back to God, a swell of emotions flowed forth … we could no longer “control” the situation. As if we ever really were.
Your words are incredibly important, Ali. As they help me understand that there are various colors and shades in this life. Some I didn’t realize existed until my darkest moments or until I learn from your writing.
I love you so much. Vernon has a very strong family and advocate.
Oh honey. I wish there was something I could say. Know we love you. Know we are here. Xoxo
Allison- You are such a beautiful soul inside and out. I can not tell you how lucky I am to have had the chance to know and love you. As I am inside of my very own life issue with my dad- you were the first to call and text to reach out to me. This post made me openly weep. I think for obvious reasons and maybe some parallel having to do with letting someone go.
Thank you for being you and thank for your wonderful insight and sharing this journey so openly as you have… I admire you, I learn from you, I feel for you and I love you. I am so lucky to have you as a friend.
I have no words, no wisdom… just groans in my heart for each of you. Bless you for letting God reveal the beauty of your own spirit in doing these difficult and long acts of love and obedience and honor. I took care of my dear mom for several years as she receded with Alzheimer’s, so there is a wee bit of similarity. Except they don’t get to voice wanting it to be over.
What you’re taking part in is granting you huge insights that you could never receive otherwise. No, of course, you don’t want to learn these things. I sure didn’t want to. No one does. Not in this way. Not at all. But, for whatever reason, God is using all these things for good and for glory. It’s part of the divine appointment going on in your lives and those whom you touch. I grew to feel all sorts of emotions when I realized things like this in my own life with my mother. I didn’t want what had been served on my plate of life. But, there it was.
Well, it is what it is. Exactly that. You do what you can do with what you have each day. Nothing more. Today you use the strength and grace that our dear Lord (who knows a ton about suffering, thankfully) gives you, gives each of us, what we have for this day. And for Vern.
Right now, you’re the glop of glue holding your family together. That’s a good thing. And some days, that’s only exactly all you can accomplish. And that, too, is a good thing. God is holding on to you, to Vern, to your children, and you all are unpluckable from His love and care. Doesn’t seem so at times, but that doesn’t make it not so.
I said something about my mother to a friend several years ago, and he put it into a poem, which has turned into a song. But this is what I had discovered — that at times like this, when our loved one is so seemingly lost (to us, at least), I still know who he/she is. I know that person inside and out. What I had said was, “I still know who she is.” It was true. I knew her essence.
You know Vern. You know him intimately, no matter how he presents right now due to his injuries. You know that man. Right now, you can do him the favor and blessing of remembering for him and for others just who he is. Not just in words, but in your outlook. Hard, yes. He is in a season of super struggle right now. But he is still in there, and his spirit is still Vern. He can’t express that right now. He is hidden, but not gone. My mother was hidden, but not gone. You are in a very challenging time right now. But you are in a place of honor, as well, because you know him. God is using you. God is helping you. God trusts you to lean on Him and to take it just today, and tomorrow, you will just take that day when it comes. But for now…. you know that God is tightly holding on to you, and to Vern and to the children, and nothing has escaped His watchful eye.
I’m blessing you for carrying the torch. I’m praying for you, Alison.
Much love to you all,
Claire
Allison my dear, these are rough waters to navigate. When my mom was in the hospital, my head said things like – you have to want to fight for her to stay, how can you wish for anything other, keep fighting! while my heart said – this is not what she wanted, perhaps the most loving act is to let her go and to want for her to let go. And there’s a tinge of betrayal in both options, at least it felt like it to me.
But love is the strongest current beneath all the decisions that have to be made, the words we choose, the outcomes we hope for – and sometimes we have to surrender to wherever it leads.
That time I had with my mom – those last, dark, intense and confusing days – were also the days filled with the most grace, and the most precious. I prayed for her healing and hoped for a miracle – and someone wise told me very gently that healing does not always come in the way that we expect. So I prayed for her healing, and it eventually came but a cure did not – and then I prayed for my healing and well – day by day, it comes, even three years later. So, I will continue to pray for healing for all of you. With my deepest love.
Lifting you up in prayer. May our gracious Lord bring you comfort and peace in the midst of it all. Praying…
Allison – thank you for inviting us into your journey in the good and the bad. I am praying for you, Justine and Maki often. Your openness and honesty is an incredible gift and a tangible way to see God working in and through you. I am praying for you as you take each new step, each new day and am praying that you sense God’s love surround you. May you be ever more aware of his presence before you, behind you and with you.
I have been reading your post for awhile now.
What an amazing strong woman you are.
But I also hear the pain, frustration & heart breaking loss for the husband that once was so healthy & strong.
I pray Alison that you will find peace within yourself,knowing that you have given your husband the very best you can with what facilities & healthcare that is available to him.
You & your children’s love, has most probably kept Vern going day by day.A simple smile, a loving touch, your presence of just “being there”.
Treasure each day with your husband.I am sadden to hear that his quailty of life has deteriorate a lot in recent days.
It is so hard to watch a loved one in such pain, & the feeling of helplessness that you experience because the situation is beyond your control or capabilities.
I pray that the Lord will fill your body with renewed strength and take away the physical exhaustion that sets in.May HE give you continued wisdom & decernment as you make such hard & life changing decisions.
“The Lord bless you and keep you.The Lord make His face shine upon you,and be gracious to you;the Lord lift up His countenance upon you,and give you peace.”
Numbers 6:24-26
Be kind and look after yourself. You are an amazing woman Alison!
Lukim & God bless.
Maria xo
Dear Allison,
I admire your frankness and courage that you have displayed during this time. You have definitely kept your marriage vows, “For better or Worse, until Death do us part.” From the latest episode that you mentioned about Vernon, I do not think that he wants to continue to be in the condition that he is. The Bible Verse, James 1:5 comes to my mind as I read your blog. It appears that Vernon is being given a lot of wisdom about his conditions. May God Bless and give you, Vernon, and your beautiful children his peace which is beyond all understanding.
Praying for you and your family during this hardest of times. You are an inspiration.
So often I have come to your page and thought I just wanted to write the most perfect words to make you feel better, Allison. I end up never finding those perfect words and I table my thoughts for “tomorrow morning” or another day,” but they never come. But tonite, I just had to let you know how much I am thinking of you… how much I’d love to give you a big hug and see that enormous smile I haven’t seen in 25+ years… how much I just want to say how this is all so terribly unfair, dammit, to you and Vernon and the children. No matter what happens next, I hope you all find some comfot and peace very soon.
Allison,
I am so sorry that you are all going through this. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Praying for Vernon, you, and your children.
Hugs,
Lynne
Dear Alison
I’ve been following your story for many months, all the way from Cape Town, South Africa. I’m sending you big hugs across the world.
You’ve been very brave for a long time. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Embrace your emotions, but don’t dwell on them.
Thinking of you and your beautiful family.
The image you selected — I believe it is the LA Metro that you posted once before — I was moved by it the first time I saw it. And now, with your heartfelt prose, it comes full circle. A passage into the light. So elegant yet equally inspiring and sad, all at the same time. You have given us such a gift my friend. The journey you have shared has touched us deeply. As sobering as it is, life is most meaningful when it is purely vulnerable and honest.
“The things that have hurt you, broken your heart, made you cry with pain, grief and even rage are the very same things that have made you more human, more compassionate, and more able to help lift others into the light of unconditional love. And that’s the one thing we all desperately need and the most significant, life changing gift we can offer.” — P.S. Boynton
Alison, words cannot express my sadness for what you have had to go through, but I am also speechless over your courage and grace. You have my deep admiration. Love to you and your family.– Anastasia
I can’t imagine how hard it was to write these words. To let *others* see that you’ve written these words. When we’re *supposed to* hold on to life no matter the cost. No matter if the quality of life has been whittled away. Thank you for sharing your truth with us all, Alli. As always, so much love is coming your way…
My heart is aching for you…
Allison, I have prayed for you unceasingly and am certain of a prayer-answering Christ. To let go of anything that has been priceless to us is the hardest assignment we can have…..I will also pray that the Lord will fill your void with His presence as the reality of “not being needed” so much as you have experienced all this time dawns on you. (Poorly worded….but full of love and compassion for this very difficult time.)
tears and prayers for you, Alison……May God have mercy on Vernon …..and may you feel His great love & compassion on you, His dear one!