I brought the kids up to see Vernon on Sunday. It was overcast and damp, but Vernon wanted to get up and go outside regardless. It wasn’t his best day. There was a lot of shouting from Vernon and crying from Justine. On days like this, I wonder what I’ve done to bring the children up…have I made things worse for everyone? But I can’t know before I get there, and I keep thinking…this isn’t all about me, it’s about them and their dad, and if worse comes to worse, they have the opportunity to work through it. That sounds great in theory, but in the moment, part of me cries for them all, even as I’m snapping at Vernon about his manners or trying to make honest-but-light with the kids.
Maki leaves for his summer home, New Zealand, in less than two weeks, and as we will be away next weekend, this was the last Sunday for them to see each other for months. I’m thankful Maki goes with the flow like he does. He rarely complains. And even in these pictures, I can see the love between them.
Vernon, from Day One, is Team Maki. He told me last week that no matter what Maki decides to do in life or where he goes, he’ll be behind him all the way.Vernon’s got the best parenting suggestions, even in his state. He seems most concerned that the kids are alright…especially Maki (as I know I have written before.)
Justine, on the other hand, was nervous around Vernon due to his agitation and shouting. She relaxed by the time I took this photo. For the first time. she cried out loud —to me but in front of Vernon: “It’s NOT FAIR that I have to have a dad in a nursing home!” She’s held it together for a long time, but now, she’s growing up.
That said, Vernon does apologize profusely when he calms down and realizes he’s hurt someone’s feelings. But it takes work to get him there…there are so many lessons in communication that I don’t always pass. Especially on an awkward day with the three of them. But that’s life, right? You can’t plan your life around the way someone will act. It’s all an improvisation. We just have to show up.
Vernon fell from his chair at dialysis this morning, so he was later sent to the ER for a closer look in case he’d damaged anything. It’s medical protocol, but I keep thinking: he’s only 49, what bones is he going to break at that distance? Still, that’s how it works and those are the rules. He’s fine, by the way. Just hoping there will be less agitation tomorrow (its been going on for a few days straight again.)
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I appreciate your perspective and your ability to fully enter into the moment and yet capture it and communicate it all at the same time! You really are an amazing talent, and the perfect wife and mother for your family. I honor your instincts and vulnerability and bravery. I pray that the Lord covers and protects you, and that you experience the favor of the Father exceedingly abundantly beyond all that you could ask or imagine.
Oh I feel for Justine and Maki too. I imagine they’re going to be the most empathetic kids as they grow up. I almost wish there was someone there who was young as Vernon and had kids Justines age for her to bond with.
1st time I brought my boy Vern yelled before we even got out of the car and I know Ryder was scared. It was Justine who helped him by playing with him.
But he did go back with me recently and was intent on showing me where Justine had found snacks for them. (Someone’s private office! Ha! I’m sure she knows everyone their by name.)
And this time Vern was so calm and kind the whole time.
Some members of my family are getting quite cranky as they’re coming into a time of not being able to remember things. Or they’re convinced you said something one way and only you know you didn’t.
Confused and angry, they over react. Not realizing their brain’s not catching details correctly.
It’s so hard to keep reacting in love when someone’s passionately accusing you falsely. Ughhhhhh. I’m praying for more patience too!
Reminds me of that verse- “when you’ve done all you can do to stand, stand. “
Feeling much for you, and for Melissa who commented above…I’m dealing with something a little like this here too. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability.
I hope it doesn’t seem inappropriate but I’m glad to hear Justine got that off her chest. She’s right, it is NOT FAIR. Not fair on any of you. Yet in spite of this, the four of you handle this so courageously every day. Praying for many good days, and relief on the hard days.x
Allison,
Vernon has been in this for 2 years and that affects the whole family and I do believe that you and the rest of your family is handling as best as possible. I can see how Justine feels but think of how much richer her life will be after going thru this with her Dad, Mom and Maki. I don’t know how you have held it together but God only gives to those who can handle things like this. Praying for you and your family. God is by your side at all times.
Hugs,
Becky
Thank you for these updates to remind us of your constant need for prayer. We can never know what you may be dealing with but just remember that we love you and we care about your trials and we are praying for you all.
Time will tell but I believe this experience of having a dad with traumatic brain injury will effect your children’s lives in amazing and positive ways. Praying for you all and I like your comment on how we don’t know how people will react, we just have to show up.
What can i say Allison?? Lifes not b****y fair ..i feel for you all …. Vern must be so confused and angry inside ..guess we are feeling like that ..but my biggest question is ..why did this have to happen???
xx all i can do is send you all my biggest hugs ..(i know when lewis has a meltdown ..i find a big blanket and the tightest hugs help him calm down) xx love to you all always .. safe trip Maki xx
“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”
― Malcolm X