‘You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” —Jonathan Sarfan Foer
I was pleased to find that Vernon had been woken up early this morning for physical therapy. It must have worn him out as he was pretty tired by the time I arrived. And by the time he was transferred to the Dialysis Center, he still seemed to be feeling mellow and secure on his “kidney-lounger.” We bantered for awhile and when I asked if I could leave early, he seemed fine. “Ah, so we are finally hitting our stride,” I thought. “This is a good thing.”
I drove most of the way home, gassed the car, arranged to pick up the kids from their holiday-diversions. Then the phone rang. It was the Dialysis Center, asking if I could come back because Vernon had suddenly become agitated and had nearly escaped his chair. In order to calm him down, they had told him I’d be back. So I turned around. (What I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving? Wonderful, flexible babysitters!)
It was hot, I was annoyed, I’d be hitting traffic on the way home, and we keep smacking into new walls of the grand-maze. I felt I had a few reasons to cry. But things don’t stop after a cry. One just gets to carry on the trail a little bit lighter. What is the weight of emotion anyway? Can it be measured?
At least he was still there by the time I arrived again. (Had he already been transferred, I really would have been annoyed.) But when I am with him, all the annoyance goes away and I can be brought back into his moment. That is truly one beauty of it all. The managing nurse talked to me a bit about getting a relaxant for him that would help with his dialysis transition. The small-framed nurse who had tried to help him back on the chair when he was agitated came over to tell me how frightened she had been in that moment, worried he might strike and hurt her. She did add that he had quickly realized and apologized.
As poor Vernon listened, his face crumbled. He looked at me as if he were about to cry. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I hate that I am doing things I don’t mean to do. I don’t want to hurt anybody. It doesn’t seem like me. But I think it was me.” He went on like this, trying to explain how he felt. And we cried together.
I reminded him its just a temporary phase connected to his injury. He then went further to express in true sadness that the accident was his fault too. He couldn’t remember it but he was sure that must have been his fault. That it was ALL his fault. That he was so sorry he had caused everything to go so badly. That he had scared the nurse. That he had made things difficult for me. I couldn’t help but cry with him some more.
I recognized that lie…as I’d said a version of it so many times to myself. Whenever anything goes wrong, it immediately can feel like my own fault. Before I even think it out, that is my default. Seems Vernon does this too. We probably all do on some level. Or we DID, before we self-evolved, for lack of a better word. I call it SHAME. Its sadness on a very deep level.
So I told him: “No, the accident was NOT your fault. You did not cause anything bad to happen. And you know what else? What you are feeling is good. It is good to cry when you feel sad. Just like it is good to laugh when you feel happy. This is life. This is emotion. Its good to feel the right feeling for the right situation. Sometimes that all a strong person can do. And you are doing it.”
127
This is beautifully written Allison and touching. Love you.
You do know The right thing to say. Murakami is one of my favorites too. His books read differently after living a while. Big thank you and to babysitters ( almost grown up sitters). Lots of love
oh bless him, always a gentleman, never wanting to hurt or cause hurt in others (something us Adams children have in us)..it must be so frightening for him, all of it .. being away from home , not understanding why this has happened ..and the constant prodding and poking from nurses , doctors and everyone else who is involved at hospitals etc… it is such a private person, he must be mortified.. wish i could be with him now , hold his hand ,give my little brother a hug , when you cannot be there Allison… biggest hugs to you all , lets hope through your tears you both have many more smiles and even laughs xx love you xx
I wanted to share that I was able to spend some time with Vernon on Sunday afternoon. I found his interactions with the staff from nurses to general helpers to be pleasant. Not afraid, but agreeable. We talked for nearly 2 hours about this and that, type and design, swapping memories and stories. He seems more accepting of the reality of the situation, and overwhelmingly a gentleman as you mention. I just wanted to assure you, I think God is allowing him to process and become aware of as much as he can handle at a time. Was yesterday a rough part of his awakening and recovery, no doubt! But can you imagine even a couple months ago, that Ali and Vern would be having a moment such as this? Anyhow, I felt I should give you a reassuring virtual-hug back…I didn’t see him as mortified or embarrassed on my visit just a couple days ago. (which should not discredit what happened in this post, of course, day by day they say!)
hi Jen , thankyou so much for your kind words, i guess you can imagine how difficult it is for me to think about what my brother could be feeling and seeing as he wakes up to reality in his world right now…sometimes i feel so very far away from it all,if you have time i would love you to just drop me an email about what you talked about etc, it would give me great comfort. Vern is coming on so well, i visited at the right time, and Allison gave me and Paul the time to visit as much as we could, thankyou for being his friend ( bestest office share friend !!), his “font” chat expert!! THANKYOU Jen x
Allison,
You and Vernon did very well. At least you got to cry together and that doesn’t happen that much. You and Vernon have a close relationship and you love each other. When you need him God will be there to help each of you.
Love you,
Becky
My heart sang with tears and smiles reading this.
i am crying toooooo with you …..what a day you had, but how wonderful to be in Vernon’s arms and crying or laughing…. 🙂 love and hugs
Gods finger print is all over this 🙂 GOD IS LOVE !! You are are so blessed to experience God so powerfully Vernon is getting great doses of GOD . Emotions are directly connected to God and he went to through several on this day . I see GOD working on him like an expert Dr. but God is working on the soul which is eternal absolutly beautiful . Allison your Angel wings are growing through every trail . Thank you for shareing you made my day and it’s only 6:30 am
Aloha
Good Morning Allison I always seem to know when is the right time to comment on your blog and this morning it so touched our hearts. The tears and the laughter are
so healthy for the both of you…and we ask God “more and more God”. There must be a part of the brain that is connecting rightly when you laugh and cry. We want to head up and visit Vernon again soon…I’ll call you. Love Nancy and Joe
What does it take to be in-the-moment with a loved one? Your account is so deeply moving. Translates lots of love.
Beautiful tears of love and growth.
Allison, I have prayed for you and Vernon since the day of the accident and daily keep up with you….it has helped me to know how to pray. Since you were a little girl, your name has come up often from your dear grandparents, Hy & Betty. Then, your dad and your Aunt Sue keep me reading and praising the Lord for all He’s done in your lives – blessing my own heart so tremendously. Finally, your Aunt Sue told me how to respond to you…..just want you to know how blessed we are to have you express yourself and your humanity (& God’s greatness!) through each blog. I’m thanking the Lord for you and for all He’s doing in your lives.
After I weeped a little & wiped my eyes, I heard a faint earworm singing “just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.”
“They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.” Psalms 126:5-6
Allison, thank you so much for including us in this journey with you and Vernon, for your openness and honesty. It has changed so many people’s lives, you have no idea. May the Lord bless you daily as you walk through this journey of emotions and healing.
You guys just keep us sighing.
Wow ..crying too… Bless his heart…. And yours..amazing..
An incredible moment that will leave an imprint on your hearts. Allison, you SO bless us with your writing. As a human being, we are going to have all kinds of emotions, just like there are all kinds of weather. These emotions are, more than anything else, just a part of being a living human being. By accepting your emotional lives together, you are affirming your full humanity.
And by accepting your emotions, you both are accepting the truth of your situation. This acceptance means that you don’t have to spend your energy pushing the emotion away. Instead, once the emotion is acknowledged, you both can then turn to pursue how to continue to encourage and lead Vernon on the road as his body is healing, and Allison towards more growth in your healing heart.