I wrote this entry two weeks ago, and only had the heart to post it today. I’ve been writing more again lately, but not sharing as much. The urgency of blogging changed a lot when Vernon died, but I’ve been writing more again lately, just not sharing quite as often. Anyway, here’s is this…
The Mini Cooper was towed away this morning. I watched from the window as the truck drove down my street, two crushed cars and that cute little Mini on it’s back. I had my back turned inside the entire time, the man was moving it from the driveway to the rig, but I could hear the noises: the happy hum of the unsuspecting engine, the platform gears, the clank of chains.
It’s past time, really, to let this car go. I’ve been chewing on the decision for months, if not longer. It started costing a lot, but I’d have it fixed anyway. Then something else expensive would go wrong. Everyone has their limits though. I found mine last Thursday when my mechanic told me the shocking figures for necessary repairs. I’ve been shocked before, but I changed my mind and had those things fixed anyway, believing I couldn’t sell it without them. And then I would decide to keep it. I’ll admit it was a slightly dysfunctional cycle. This time before I had time to change my mind, I called a Donation for Charity center, asked to donate it toward Brain Injury Research, and awaited the day of pickup. At least I’ll get a tax write-off. I’d reached my limit at last. This car was costing me much more than it was giving me.
But the symbolism of that car goes deep for me. First of all, I bought it to go back and forth to Vernon’s care home in Costa Mesa when the other car was having too many problems of its own. Remember? It had the same markings as his helmet, and I liked how the family felt small and close in it. One year, we drove it all the way to San Francisco, packed like sardines.
When it started having problems, though, something else started to happen. I don’t know if I was attaching myself to the car, but I felt the same part of me that used to invest in Vernon’s care starting to get tugged on—a fraction yes, but still part of the same energy that was used to cheer Vernon (and myself) on. “It’s only one more surgery, you can do this. This will make things better. Oh, now we need another one? Ok, yes, of course we will do it.” Trying to make that little engine could. The finish line is a series of finish lines.
And so last week, when I finally realized I couldn’t afford to keep this car going anymore, and it wasn’t going to make it, another part of me was tugged upon. That part that was told Vernon wasn’t going to make it after all that work and all that hope and all that time had been put into keeping him going. I know its not the same thing, but the tenderness of my heart about this stupid car the past few days has reminded me of something similar, albeit far worse, as its going through right now.
Letting go—doing it once doesn’t mean you’ve learned how. You have to learn to do it every single time. The finish line is merely a long series of finish lines that spread out for the rest of your life.
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So difficult and gritty and always, always there. Again, and again. We’re just not enough to bring finality… but then enough, in its time, because He is enough. So well told, Allison, so transparent are you. I’ve been through similar a trial cycle, though not nearly as cavernous. Each time, even to this day, I hear, “Finality will come, just not yet.” Sometimes I find myself taking joy in the anticipation of the final finish line. Once for all. Christ’s peace.
“Letting go—doing it once doesn’t mean you’ve learned how. You have to learn to do it every single time. The finish line is merely a long series of finish lines that spread out for the rest of your life.“
This is the end of your novel you must publish Al. Beautiful and deeply poignant and true. I’m still doing the same thing. A whole – maybe 5 chapters could be about letting go of the material things.
Love you
E
so appreciate your continued transparency and willingness to share with ALL OF US!
YOUR A BLESSING ALLISON❤
Ava gave me a real pretty transparent rock for Christmas that has LET GO engraved in it. I keep it on my dresser and read it every day. When I first got it I thought it was so pretty and I was so blessed Ava gave it to me, but as time goes on its become a more serious thing, but probably because I’m thinking more about the meaning and not just reading it. So all this to say letting go is a very difficult process and I’m not even sure we always want to. Thanks for sharing Allison another layer of your onion! You know we love you, Nancy and Joe
Dear Allison,
You are so open with your words and I can only say thank you for be so open. It is hard to let go of anything but you have had to let go of such a lot that means so much to you and your family. Think about you often and send prayers up for you and your family. God is on the throne and all we have to do is look to Him and He will take care of us.
Love you,
Becky
Thank you for sharing yet again part of your heart. I miss your blog.
Letting Go! Mmmmmm! It seems to me the journey of letting go is a painful process! And God changes us on that journey. In the end of it all comes Peace. Love you Allison!