Moving right along. The anger of the previous week has carved a way for a new sadness to move through. A light blanket of it seems to be hanging around the last few days, waiting for the quiet moments to make itself noticed.
Last night, I took Maki to see The Imitation Game, which we enjoyed very much. (We both loooove Benedict Cumberbatch.) I think we realized we were looking to each other to take Vernon’s place as Movie Date in our lives, at least for the time being. The film was SO British, and it was set in WWII, which was a period of great historical interest for Vernon. I found myself crying in parts that weren’t actually meant to be sad, thinking of Vernon, how he might have enjoyed it, thinking of a great mind that might not be used in its former field again, thinking of Maki growing up and becoming a new sort of companion, one with whom I can watch more grown-up movies and discuss them afterward. It’s all so bittersweet.
But I admit the Bitter has recently been dwindling a bit longer than it has over the past many months. I had been so busy in reaction mode, I hadn’t been able to stop long enough to even miss Vernon’s presence at home for long. This week will mark Month Eight. We’ve moved into a new home without him. I’ve painted all the walls without him. My bedroom has never had him in it. It’s MY bedroom, not OUR bedroom. His clothes have not been unpacked. (I’ve mentioned this a bit before, I know…but its starting to sink in more as we settle into our new environment.) I washed the spare car in order to sell it and save money on monthly insurance fees, knowing he won’t need a stick-shift, let alone a car of his own for a very long time, if ever.
The marathon (not a sprint) concept that was bandied around so much in the early days is finally sinking in. I’m tired. I feel as if I have huffed and puffed to the top of a hill, hoping to take a little break while I enjoy the view, only to realize in the vast landscape spread out before me, I still can’t see the end of the road. Where I thought I was many miles in, with a pretty good pace, I come to find out that it’s only been a mile and there are at least twenty-five more to go.
That said… our family continues to be sustained and built-up. And I know the second wind comes…and the third, and fourth, and fifth, ad infinitum…
And one of the resetting tools I have found is Gratitude. This has been a powerful lesson, not a mere Hallmark Card quip.
In this very week, we have been blessed again and again. Let me count (just some) of the ways…
The Severson’s coming over to build pantry shelves and spray-paint outdoor furniture in happy colors.
Maki taking it upon himself to update my phone’s operating system.
Kat making delicious soup to send home with Justine after babysitting her one overcast afternoon.
My dear friend Andrea (who also babysits Justine) taking it upon herself to load our freezer with homemade meals, organize my new pantry (thanks again, Joe!), unpack the office (which I hadn’t even touched)
AND if that wasn’t enough…surprise me with the vintage coffee table she knew I had been coveting for a long time.
Beautiful winter light…my favorite season in Southern California.
Getting to hold Baby Autrey.
Finishing the painting of the rooms…the last done with company: my dear friend Nicole came down from LA to make the job so much more enjoyable.
Sharing her with my friend Sandy.
A couple of nice walks. Good conversation.
A movie date with Maki…
….which brings me back to the beginning. Sort of. Except I’m not feeling as blue as I was. See how that works?
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”—Philippians 4:8
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Thanks for sharing your heart, as always. It makes me think of my best friend who just lost her husband. She is being surrounded by friends now and working on house projects. It doesn’t make the grief disappear, but it lightens the load. I’m sorry it’s been especially tough lately.
Ive been thinking of her a lot, Acacia. Its going to be up and down for awhile. She may not miss him immediately the way that his friends can. She may not be able to, with all the other things she has to process. Grief will come at strange unexpected times, I’m sure. But I’m so glad she has to you be there in it with her.THAT will truly make all the difference.
I love you Allison. I read your words and it’s always been an honor to experience your inner transparency.
I have very quiet seasons now, perhaps you could say, and I pray for all of you even when you may not know.
Your grace of living and loving whilst processing it all through so creatively is like a movie all of it’s own. Always with artistic expression of your beautiful heart & soul<3
Vernon has come a long ways and I am at a loss for words? Your children are lovely just as you & Vernon & your family as a whole. Friends and all are a grand mirroring reflection of your own beauty.
Blessings Always with Love,
Kelle Marie
Beautifully put…When we are busy being grateful we don’t have room for disappointment (I’m speaking about being in the moment “In the Spirit” I totally understand grief that sucker punches us-suddenly)
Your home looks beautiful! What wonderful blessings your friends have showered you with! It warms my heart! You deserve it!
I’m praying you and Maki WILL have some lovely “movie dates with Vernon” in the NEAR future! Love to all!
(And that is one of my favorite verses, it truly brings be such comfort)
Thank you, sweet Kirsten. You have taught me a lot about practicing gratitude. Another thing to be thankful for! 🙂
am sending a hug along with more prayers – as always. <<>>
Thank you, Aunt Mimi. Hugs back. I know you need them too. xo
In no way, shape or form, am I even beginning to compare my loss to what you are experiencing at this very moment… I’m just wanting to say I completely get the idea of grief coming up out of nowhere at times… often, I feel, one can sense grief brewing… when that happens, one must have a release valve, like a teapot… (perchance, your outing with Maki…). Amazing how life can be so galvanizing…
Allison Such a sweet blog this time, and so heartfelt. We know how hard this has all been and we are trying to walk along with you during these times….so many people love you guys! The chairs do look so charming and I love the color you picked…its so artistic. We thank the Lord for you also. Sending you a big hug from the both of us!
Acceptance with Hope…God Richly Bless you and continue to show HIMself to you through the hands and feet of others so Faithfully…YOU are LOVED…You are Lovely….I Pray God Blows you away with HIS Goodness and Faithfulness in new ways through this new season…..of tender acceptance filled with HOPE and colorful patio furniture! Prayers…..
Your writing is beautiful. Not many people can express themselves so well. God continue to carry you and keep you and remind you to give praise….small payment for such amazing benefits!
Beautifully written Allison , your writing goes straight to the heart and your photos tell so many stories…. you are blessed with so many amazing friends, as Vern is blessed to have you xx
xx love and hugs always xx
ps love the “house” photos, your home is looking delightful , such a good looking home is flourishing x
So glad you went to see that film. Maki was looking forward to it. (The director is Norwegian). You have been so fantastic through everything, climbing that hill. ANd Your friends are amazing. Big hug to you and kisses to Maki. x
Dear, dear Allison……what a rich blessing to be reminded of the “praise blessing.” You are so dear, and what a writer! (Your dad better watch it…..move over, Hyatt, your daughter is moving in on you!) (^_^)
Setbacks are very hard for me and everyone I know, so you have just reminded us how many steps forward we take when we face setbacks…..praying for Vernon’s infection and the place the Lord has for him next.
Hyatt taught me everything I know! Hahah! THank you for your kind words, Mabel. We all go through this in different ways,all the time, I guess…but the catastrophes and BIG changes are when we notice it. Still, its a constant cycle, even in small ways, isn’t it? Up, down, praise, cry, praise. Thank you for your prayers, always!http://sansoxygen.com/wp-admin/edit-comments.php#comments-form
Your words bring life, encouragement and inspiration to me Allison. Thank you.
Beautiful post; how strange that the bitter and the sweet travel so closely together as we’re learning to navigate our way in the unexpected twists and turn of life. Thank for sharing your thoughts and feelings with those of us who read your blog, it is indeed a privilege.
Dear Allison,
Your are so blest to be able to write like you do. Glad you took Maki to a movie that seems like both of you enjoyed. Stay close to God and His promises and Vernon will get thru this somehow. I don’t know how you have stood up the 8 months without a heart for God. Stay close to God and He will be with you all along the way.
Love and hugs,
Becky
Dear Allison, I’ve been praying very hard for you and Vernon this am here, and I am trusting that we are going to see something good happening for him soon. Please know I pray daily for you and the family, and you are often on my mind. I can appreciate that this current situation must be hugely discouraging at times…my heart hurts for you. Keep persevering. I love how you and the family and friends surrounding you there are providing beautiful memories for your kids in the midst of this, as you do this so well. Lots of love from me in OZ.
Dear Allison,
You express yourself so beautifully. I get chills often when I read your posts as the emotions come through so clearly. I sigh. I pray. Sometimes in that order though sometimes the other way.
Please let me know when would be a good time for me to come again. I am willing. I am able.
Love,
Donna
I cried at the end of this post. The scripture is so powerful here.
Alison, what an incredible woman you are.