I attended my first Grief Group meeting last night. I’m not allowed to talk about the other members so I’ll just share my experience. I will say I felt like crying as soon as I entered the room. That’s not a bad sign, I don’t think. It’s just that I knew I’d be asked any minute what happened to bring me there. I felt young. I felt that I was in a different place than many of the others…but I also felt like I was allowed into a special club of people who had experienced something similar.
I never felt like that when I was dealing with Vernon’s injury and ‘recovery.’ Then, whenever I happened upon someone dealing with TBI, I felt like I couldn’t relate to the other’s story: I might get jealous that they were improving or feel like they had better resources or feel like their injury wasn’t nearly as bad as Vernon’s. It was easier for me to talk to people who had loved ones with cancer or other terrible illnesses than it was to talk to those involved with Brain Injury. For that reason, TBI support forums were not a safe place for me. Even reading ‘inspiring’ true stories of recovery that well-meaning people passed my way became dangerous territory for my mind. But whenever I hear another story of someone losing a spouse, a parent, a child, etc, I feel no jealousy at all, just sadness for their loss. I have a better idea than I used to of how hard that must be for them.
The particular Grief Group I joined is going through a workbook together. I came into it mid-workbook, but they say its ok to come in whenever, that even if you do the program a few times, you’ll get something different out of it each meeting, just because we are all in constantly changing, moving forward in our journey, and we’ll be in a different state of mind each time. At this point, I don’t know if I’m grieving the loss of a mate from this earth or if its just that reality of the last two-plus years are beginning to dawn on me. Right now, those are the memories that trigger anxiety and sadness when they come. But that’s right now—tomorrow, next week, next month may be different.
One thing they offered me (and everyone else there) last night was a lot of grace. Grace to be wherever you are at any given point in the journey. No judgement, no assumptions that you should feel a certain way about things, no rushing the stages. I was told the one thing that seemed common when you lose someone is that in the early days especially, you can feel very much in a fog (and for some people, that takes a long time to move out from). I liked the permission to call what I’ve been feeling a fog, though I hadn’t called it that yet. Now that I heard someone else’s word for it, I was able to give it a name. (Strange, because that seems like it would be an easy one to call.)
Today, I’ve been looking around the web for more grief forums. I found a few: Modern Loss and Planet Grief, to name some. I found the comment section of this particular article very interesting, with 200 readers sharing their unique accounts of loss in one convenient place. But actually, the way my own readers and friends have opened up their stories to me over the past couple of months since Vernon started hospice has been more meaningful than any article I could be reading. I feel like I have learned so much from them, from you. I feel more prepared because people have shared. It’s a lonely time of life in some ways, but it’s not a lonely club.
“Grief is itself a medicine.” ~William Cowper
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I tried the group “OUR HOUSE” because it was recommended.
“Nevermore” quoth the raven”…. it was pedantic and not often enough and I was put in totally the WQRONG group of people. I distanced from dealing with “group death therapy” and went to my own therapist where I’ve stayed until i can work out a LOT of anger about the injustice in and during the deaths of BOTH parents.
You are a stronger woman than I am to be able to share your experience there and I am glad it was positive- glad it works for some at least. <3
I think a therapist is probably the BEST place to work things out. I can see how every group wouldn’t be a fit too…I’m not even sure if this one is. But I’m in the zone of ‘learning’ at the moment, so I’m going with it. Also I think because I have kids to try to help through this, it might put me in a different category of intention. Maybe I am “rushing it” a little. We’ll see…but as they say, there is no right or wrong way to do it. I think as long as you are trying to move foreward, you are learning, right? And hopefully, healing in time. Anyway, I think you have done an amazing job dealing with your profound loss…you too probably have some of that PTSD that comes with having to help your loved ones through their sudden illness and all the crazy drama that goes up and down with that through the end. PLUS you are an only child, which brings its own complications. I have also watched you thrive in your career and carry a deep relationship at the same time. So from here, you are a hero, E!
Beginning is always the first step.
Very interesting Allison. I wondered what goes through your mind these days and how you even manage a single day. I suppose you try one day at a time and whatever that may bring physically and emotionally. I recall very vividly my mother’s cry the moment she learned my father passed away. He was sick. It was a cry I’d never known from her ever before and since then. I felt deeply sad for her in that moment. I couldn’t imagine my life without my father but it was more unimaginable my mother without her husband. That cry revealed such deep loss. Allison you are full of bravery just to get yourself up and out.
What a story, Jax. And the fact you can remember that sound in your heart. I think in some ways I can get my head around losing a parent more than losing a husband. And yet…the fear of that is still so strong in my heart when I think of it. It’s such a devastating thought, but I guess we all kind of expect that one day the parents will go. Sounds like most people still aren’t ready for it, and its so painful for them. How old were you when your dad died? And how is your dear mother doing now?
For me, I don’t know…I feel the loss of him so much but I also married older (I was 35) so I know that being a wife was only one of my identities. What’s hard isn’t missing him so much as realizing life can be taken from you so early, no matter how much you love someone. I think I’m trying to throw myself into domestic life now, but it’s not going as smoothly as I thought it would.
Getting involved is one of the first steps. Am glad for you.
Becky
You’re doing ok Allison. I know the fog…Sara told me about it. For me I found routines to get through the days and kept lists of what needed to be done as I was afraid of losing something in the fog..I too searched the internet but found it depressing seeing people years out feeling like I did.. I spoke often with a retired nun at our church and she said to stay away from the books.. They might take me to dark places and and I should not go there because she saw a light still in me.. A light that I see in you as you share your journey. She told me to start a journal which helped immensely… keep writing as you are… there is no right way or wrong way to make this journey.. you need not go through all the stages and you may loop back through ones you thought you’ve conquered.. Life does go on and it is ok to laugh and smile again
“Grief is itself a medicine.” Wow.