This song came into my space today. I hadn’t heard it for a long time, most vividly around the time of Vernon’s death and memorial.  My inner-circle of musician friends (the ones who selflessly surrounded him with their songs on his hardest days) came together as a group, and with a little direction, they performed a beautiful tribute…a gift to him, but mostly to me. After all, I was here on earth to receive it (and to re-receive it today.) Even Maki and Justine were involved in the finale.

So to hear it again after so long, a song so special to me, of course I got all the feels and listened closer to the words, from this end, two years out: God only knows what I’d be without you. (I certainly had no clue back then.)

I’m still not sure. The answer is: PROBABLY A LOT OF DIFFERENT THINGS. Some, you. Some, me. Some the kids. Some, my family. Some, my heritage and society. Some, the clear influence of my parents. Some, natural rebellion and the polar opposite of my parents. Some, my future self, and some, my youthful self. A little heaven, a little hell, a whole lot of earth. So bear with me, and I’ll bear with you. I’m sure we all have these things in common.

The past few years have been such an intense processing of liquified identity for me. Maybe I notice that more because I am an “identity seeking type” on the Enneagram (let alone an ENFP…with apologies to my wonderful, longsuffering friends.) Some people laugh at me as I’m remind them of their own mothers in the 1970s, studying all my books on personality types and why we do things the way we do—but I’ve found it validating as I find my way back to myself (and my family.) I’m ok, you’re ok. 😛

For someone else, grief and pain and transformation will involve a completely different process. In writing and sharing like I do, I only offer one. ONE angle. Identifying with my process might work for some, as they enter their own grief/growth journey and remember the examples that came before, but I’d’ recommend they their own unique pathway from that simple starting point. I’m a storyteller from the core. Not everyone is. Some are listeners, doers, exercisers, builders, sleepers, surfers, lawyers, teachers, servants, leaders… whatever your thing is, my advice is to fold toward it, despite the fear of folding too far. In my experience so far, one of the truths I’ve learned best is this: God gives you the tools you need, hidden inside your complicated personality and history. Bend into those things, be true to yourself, and if you don’t know what that self IS yet, spend time finding it. You can be your own best friend, you just may need to spend a little time in the playground getting reacquainted  No one will stick by your side through thick and thin like you will.

The other day, I met with a nurse from Mission Hospital, where Vernon stayed the first three months, mostly in a coma. She had followed our story, but she wanted to hear feedback to bring back to the board, if I had any to offer.  I was amazed and touched  to hear, after all this time, that the hospital tries to match their nurses with the family’s according to their personality and needs. I had no idea that was intentional— I just though we got lucky with nurses who seemed so encouraging of the way I handled the situation at the time: with visitors, children, instruments and song,  photos and drawings wallpapering the room, trying to bring as much beauty in as possible….because for me, that was clearly a comfort.  I told the nurse how grateful I was that they allowed me to express myself as big or little as I wanted to, how having a safe, non-judging place to start that long journey gave me permission to keep that up through the entire long journey. Can you imagine what a different experience that would have been if they had shut me down and told me to walk on tiptoe instead?

Blessings, everyone. I hope you find more ways to be your best you. Stay inspired. This world needs the real you, even if that is ever-changing. I believe in that completely. And I believe in you, that you’ll get through your most challenging seasons too. Wherever you put your feet, that you’ll find your way.. One foot, then the other. The map is inside you, you’ll find it.

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