“The proper definition of a man is an animal that writes letters.”
—Lewis Carroll
So…I FINALLY got the important letter that I’ve been trying to write for six weeks out in the mail. I mailed to my attorney on Monday, after he sent a text last Friday, politely letting me know he STILL hadn’t received it.
It was my idea, really, so I’d expected be more on the ball. But it was really, really hard to write.
I wanted to get a letter to the other driver. I put it off for a long time, waiting for the legalities to unfold. I’m sure it would have been a different letter at every point in the journey. But since we are rapidly approaching the two-year mark, the window is closing. The lawyer advised that its best to send it through him.
I had a half-finished version I was mostly okay with—matter of fact and to the point—but then I offered Maki the chance to write one too. I was surprised how quickly he agreed to it—he had it ready to send two days later. But reading his letter made me realize more what he was going through. It was a powerful statement.
He was given one chance to say what he really wanted to say, and he said it well. His letter made me question my own: “If I have one chance to reach out to them, just one page full of words, how can I say it? There’s so much!” It’s not that there is so much to say as much as what I’m feeling was changing so often. One day, I felt gracious and hopeful, and on another, I felt angry or fed-up. The extreme ups and downs of Vernon’s health the past couple of months threw off my emotions and my intentions.
Now it seems that frequently, people in elevated places of society can get away with saying anything they like, no matter how mean-spirited or petty, and suffer no consequence, at least to themselves. But the rest of us don’t get that reality. What we say (especially if its important and we have one chance to say it) DOES have consequences. I can’t count the times I’ve regretted my words after blurting out some emotional opinion. I realized I needed to write a letter I felt good about….one that I’ll feel good about later if it comes up again. And hopefully it will lean more to the side of making things better than making things worse.
But then, a couple weeks ago, when Vernon was starting to show more psychological understanding, I mentioned my predicament with this letter. He said he wanted to read it, and I just so happened to have my laptop with me. I wasn’t sure how much he would comprehend, and I certainly didn’t want him getting upset over something in it. But he was amazing. He seemed to follow pretty well, and then pointed out the parts he thought I should omit. Granted, I knew better to take what he said as absolute wisdom, but it felt good to connect over something like this. So I took those parts out and kept the parts he approved of. Since then, I changed a few more things, but tried to keep the tone of his input. I wrote about Maki, I wrote about Vernon. I tried not to write much about myself. In this way, they both helped me shape what I most wanted to say. They helped me connect.
So it’s done. This big thing on the list. I don’t know if anything will come of it. Vernon reminded me not to expect that. But we’ve put our words out, together as a family. Though we could have each written a hundred different letters depending on the day we were having, we sent off letters we feel good about. It took time and too much thinking (for me, anyway), and hopefully, we made something better instead of making it worse.
PS Thank you to the close friends who read the drafts along the way…and thank you for your feedback. Even with Vernon’s input, I couldn’t have finished this without your help. Lesson learned: don’t ever write the most important letters alone.
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Lesson learned: don’t ever write the most important letters alone. – So good to know! And your letter was so amazing..as are you. Regardless of whether they ever respond, you did it, It’s done. sigh of relief….on to the next life changing challenge.
you were one of the ones who helped me. I changed the ending a little. 🙂 Thank you!!! pS good news from medi-cal today so thats two big breaths in one week. I told my barre instructor tonight that I needed to stretch out and move long and tall as much as possible because I’ve been carrying too much burden in my body the past month with all these major to-dos. Tax stuff nearly done too!
Allison,
I could see how all the different sides of emotions could take part in a letter of this sort. Glad you had the wisdom to write it after such a long time; with a long time and different circumstances to look back on. I don’t know if you will get any thing out of the other party but you are wise to write this letter and to let Maki take part in doing this. He is at the right age to be hurt but he seems so with it. Just keep on sticking with Vern and taken part in his life. You have done so well. God be with you.
Hugs,
Becky
THank you Becky! You are always so encouraging! I didn’t write here what I wrote in the letter of course. Mostly I was concerned they didn’t know about what happened to Vernon after that night. But I battled with a lot of different emotions, you are right. I didn’t plan to take so long to write it, but it wasn’t until the end of 2015 that I was given the go-ahead by the attorney. So maybe you are right that the timing was God sent. I am glad to have a better perspective on things now. As for Maki, it’s very hard for him, but he also is brave and strong and though he misses his dad as he knew him, I hope he knows he is loved by everyone in his life, both here and afar.
So pleased you got to write and send that letter … I`m sure it will do YOU good to do that .. many times in my head I have written a letter to this man ..explaining how his actions have changed all our lives forever …I could write a thousands ways, it has changed … but for me now, is that Vern is not enjoying your American dream with you and his children ..and that my dear brother will not come “home” to England to enjoy family times ..to step foot in our parents home ..or be here in my home with my husband and boys …I`m so proud of you Allison for writing your thoughts down and sharing them with this MAN and his family ….
xx love to you all xx
ps talking of letters .. mum will be writing to Vern , as she does every week ..but also she will be writing a letter to you to tell you all about their “headway” meeting last Wednesday xx
I wrote it to the husband and wife. Perhaps the wife will be more willing to read it. Maybe it would be good for you to write a letter to them too. Not to send it, but to help process your thoughts. It took me at least six weeks before I had something I was happy with. But I kept returning to it. In that way, it helped me sort out what I really wanted to say. It was cathartic, I think. And its not so much about their reading it as much as it is about my writing it, if that makes sense. Hard to do, but worth it. I think it helped Maki too…although I know its just the beginning for him in some ways.
I got an nice email from mum this morning. She said she’d send more on the Headway meeting too. I will be bringing Ipad up for Vernon today…so we’ll be watching your videos shortly!
you know i think i will write that letter .. not post it ofcause ..maybe it will do mum and dad good to do the same??? … think it will make me feel better too ..hope Vern enjoys our videos ..if he does …. we will make some more ..see what he says ???
xx love to you all xx tell Vern i send him a big hug ..and hope the videos make us feel close today xx
Such a difficult task, good to get it done. Hope Maki is ok with it. But I guess you will be waiting for a reaction from them that might not come. At least you have done what is possible. Thinking of you. Lots of love x
I’ll write you more away from here, but I honestly don’t expect a reaction. They may never even open the letter and read it. I know they haven’t returned calls from the insurance company. But they might! I didn’t leave any questions for them to answer…but I did say they could meet Vernon if they want to. Still, it feels good to have the letter done with. 🙂
Yes they might. I can’t imagine they wouldn’t read it. But there is a chance they even think that would protect them in some way. But time wil tell. Big hug. X