“There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you, and there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.”
― Lemony Snicket
That’s the thing. When does one know when to stop pushing for change and just relax and BE where you are? It takes a lot of energy to keep pushing, researching other options, hitting different walls in the maze, then having to turn left or right yet again…and still feeling that little has changed. But ever since Vernon moved to his current facility, I feel more frustrated in the sitting still than I do in the searching. I don’t know if that is a sign that what I am doing is right or not. I have come to love the staff at Newport Subacute, they are incredibly caring, and I know that Vernon feels safe in their hands. I also know that the complicated red tape of the medical system keeps them from giving him everything I want him to be getting.
It is not enough.
I say this from the researched knowledge of my head and the strange intuition of my heart. Vernon needs more. He has such a chance to move forward mentally and physically in this stage of his recovery, but he is moving too slowly for my satisfaction. People tell me everyday that its so great how far he has come (I know I have blogged this before, it feels very familiar writing this now) but I can’t help but feel its not enough. We are seven months in…and he is only slightly further along than he was 7 weeks ago. Forgive me for being impatient, but its not enough. This is his big year for recovery, he has such a chance, but he needs more to help him connect the dots. I believe most of this lies in physical therapy. I believe that the challenges there will make him connect the necessary dots both in his body and his brain. I believe they are very connected.
“A waiting person is a patient person. The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen
The quote above sums up the thought I keep returning to. There must be some hidden miracle here. I’m waiting for it to manifest. Maybe that is what all this time is for: just to make it a more valuable truth when it is finally revealed. Who knows? Maybe this ‘limbo’ period will eventually reveal the pearl created from the grain of sand irritating the oyster long enough. And we will all clap our hands and rejoice in our newly discovered treasure. Maybe I will even say: “Yep, I knew it!”
But till then, I pursue every lead. I found out this week that we may need yet another level of Medicare to get the kind of therapy I think Vernon needs. So I keep knocking doors, making phone calls…and waiting. And beautifully, God keeps placing seemingly random conversations in my path, guides to the next step, to the next phone call. The Tetris Game of the medical/insurance field isn’t over yet!
Justine was with me on my tour yesterday…and spotted her first rainbow on our way back from one of these interviews. We won’t read too much into it…but we want to! I know its a promise of…something.
Strangely, our first words on our return to the Subacute Center, were a friendly: “You need to take all those photos off Vernon’s wall. They might peel the paint. And that is a safety issue. Its okay if you use his tiny bulletin board, of course.”
So as I tend to look for meaning in things that may mean something ELSE entirely, I wonder if this the gentle onset of another move. I think it is…I just don’t know when.
“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
—Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
Why is patience so important?”
“Because it makes us pay attention.”
― Paulo Coelho