Maki asked me what I do all day. “It’s not like you have a job,” he added. I shook my head and realized I had no nutshell of an answer for him….so I said, ” I just go back to bed after school drop off and tune out till its time to pick you up again. My whole existence revolves around driving you kids around.” In their minds, that’s probably pretty accurate.
Last week my sister Cambria and I had a discussion about our chosen roles as women. Let me clarify: we didn’t chose to be women, but we get to chose different roles AS women. She manages really well as a full time working boss AND amazing mother of three. But she admitted sometimes some of the other things she always though she would do well in had to go by the wayside of priorities. “I felt really bad for awhile about not making my own baby cereal, even though I knew it would be the best for my boys, but I just couldn’t do it all.” she said, as an example.
She gave me other more personal and heavy examples as well. But I mention that one because it seems so silly of a thing to judge oneself for (from the outside) but also such a big deal when one is in the thick of one’s own life happening in real time. We want to be the best we think we can be all the time, even if its impossible.
As modern women, most of us (the ones I hang out with anyway) want to do it all, to have it all. We are multi-taskers by nature, so why SHOULDN’T we be able to do it all? If we have a degree, we have even more pressure, because we feel we are supposed to prove something with it.
Anyway…I bring this up because this conversation with my sister made me realize even the people who you think have it all together are usually only able to do a few areas of their life at full-power at any given time. Some things have to give.
I WANT to be the artist I set out to be…I find that professionally, it comes and goes, depending on what else is happening in life. Even though I call myself an artist, I have to admit that in this season, it isn’t the priority it used to be. I would love to be able to support my family by myself (firstly through art-making, and next, through any full-time regular job) but every time I try to organize my website and get some marketing down, something happens with Vernon and my priorities shift again. But just like my sister is doing at least two major things very well…I realize I can do a couple of things as best as I can. I can take care of the kids (which I love doing.) I can somewhat maintain the household (not my gift, but it hasn’t fallen apart yet.) I can help maintain Vernon’s care.
I guess I should have told Maki that is what I do during the day: I do MAINTENANCE.
This is not what I got a degree for. Quite the opposite. I got a BFA in Acting, which I have come to regard as a degree in pretending to know what you are doing. I guess its served me well because I have no idea what I am doing. But the house hasn’t burnt down. We aren’t bankrupt…yet. Or homeless.
The past couple of days, my quality time has been spent changing auto insurance, following up on errors at the bank and the phone company, trying to find a sitter for Vernon as he isn’t handling himself well in dialysis (more on that soon, I’m sure) working on finances, editing photos from recent shoots, renewing passports, calling doctors/nurses, selling a car, dealing with attorneys. Blah Blah Blah… sooo boring. For someone like me, extremely distractible, this stuff takes 3x as long as it must for the average person. And still…I’m doing it! (Or pretending to.) Like my sister, and every other woman I know (I can’t speak for the men, but I bet its similar) I can’t always do everything I want. But I’m doing the things that take top spot at the moment, and I will refuse to resent that I’m not doing all the things I WANT to do instead.
Excuse me for the personal pat on the back that this blog seems to be. It wasn’t my initial intention, but sometimes we have to pull ourselves out of the proverbial muck with handmade ropes.
If I’m going to put myself in the unglamorous role of Maintenance Person, I will say that it’s not nothing. Bills and phone calls and basic household maintenance really are just part of every day life for most of us. Still, I offer this video (from a tv show I saw years ago…that has actually stayed in my leaky-memory) to anyone else who thinks that simply being a Maintainer of the Normal is not important. Just think if we weren’t here to keep on top of things, all kinds of catastrophes could happen. Watch this and feel heroic (even if your realm of importance is currently making sure the water isn’t turned off.)
PS After all this venting about the role of maintenance person…I can’t sign off without remembering my gratitude. What a great problem to have, right? It’s true…somehow, even though I never thought we’d get this far without my going back to work, I’ve been able to take care of these things and life has not fallen apart. We have totally been provided for at every level. Though I get tired, getting used to our new normal, this is never lost on me. So my documenting/venting is real…but so is my gratitude.
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i think most women with children can relate to your post Allison ..never thought of myself as a maintenance women before ..but yes you are right ..we are ..we fix things ..lots of things every hour of the day..we are the fixers, the keeping things together .. all behind the scenes …no-one sees all we do , every day….i can also relate to the wanting to work ..to be what i was supposed to be .. but life doesn`t always let that happen…i know that so well … dreams change , goal posts move ..and you know what Allison my boys have made me a much better person..they have shown me take every moment at a time , although my life is now anticipating what will happen , so i can make my boys life “easier”..i have had to become strong…we are women and we are mums .. we should celebrate what a great job we are doing .. maybe making homemade food , isn`t so important as it seemed at the time .. we can all look back and say “hey i did the best i could ..i did a good job” ..yep and if we have time ..pat ourselves on the back ..what kind of world would it be without maintenance women???
when Maki is older ..maybe with a home of his own ..he will see what has to be done and what is done with love ..but for now you are the maintenance women /person .. you are doing it all..you are doing a wonderful job..go get yourself a big mug of coffee ..i`ll drink to that!!
xx love you all xx
What did you want to be, Vanessa? Maybe it will still come to you. As they say, things come in seasons. 🙂 xo
Yes ofcause it will..one day Allison when the time is right..and it will for you too xx love you xx
I remember those long days of childhood, days that stretched ahead of me with boredom when all i wanted was for a parent to be my play mate. It felt so unfair that they were always ‘busy’ doing nothing when I their daughter was in need. Such injustice! No matter how much they explained/complained, I was incapable of understanding. I can say now with all my heart, I totally appreciate everything my parents sacrificed for me, put themselves out for me, cared for me, chastised, praised and steered me in the right direction. Like a sheepdog corralling its herd towards what is good and right. I like to think that my work ethic, my temperament, drive and ambition and ability to prioritise what is important was learnt from those very people I used to resent (not all the time, this sounds a bit harsh). Childhood, adolescence and adulthood are such different headstates. Rest assured Ali, although it feels thankless at times this is the hardwork that makes love and appreciation that lasts forever but can only be appreciated with the distance of time and experience. Hang in there beautiful, Your maintenance is the glue that holds life together.
It always appreciated
Big love to you all xx
Despite the terrifying thought of the cables breaking, watching the video reminded me of how the bridges have to be able to give in winds and earthquakes in order to stay up. You are flexing in much the same way, Allison. Because you’re willing to shift and bend with each new circumstance, you are staying up. It also reminds me of Jesus’s parable of the man who builds his life on the rock, not on shifting sands. Without the Rock you are doomed.
I thought of you today as I’m reading through a book; Loss, Trauma, and Resilience, for a class I’m taking at Fuller Seminary in Pasadena, on grief and loss. All the things you mentioned above and postings before go right along with someone who is the middle of coping with a traumatic family event. You have a host of people surrounding you, the children and Vernon, with prayers, encouragement and love. Maybe most of those you know, some, like me, that you don’t, but have also joined the cheering section and are deeply moved by what you share.
You have the most important job, the day in and day out of holding a family together, as best as you can, which as you know, is pretty much impossible to explain all the details. When you say them out loud, really sound not-so-very-important, but in actuality are the very “stuff” that hold the threads of a family together. Who else will do them, if you don’t? Even if that means occasionally(or as often as you need to) climbing back into bed until you have to pick up kids. I say, “you go girl!” I am grateful to know you and your family and be part of the cheering section 🙂
You are a maintenance engineer and its a big job.
Dear Allison,
Your blogs have kept you and the rest of your world together the past almost year. I have women on the LOTH who ask about you and Vernon. So I put a little bit on the prayer line that we have and then I put it on my Facebook were the world can read it. You are doing so well with you “maintenance” job. We do as women hold the world together with our hands and we also have the greatest comforter by our sides to help us and the is God. He decided that Adam needed a help meet and created Eve out of Adam’s side. You are a blessing to so many of us. So keep on writing and we will keep on praying for Vernon and the kiddos and you too lovely Allison.
Love,
Becky Jones
I find what youre writing so interesting. I think women should pat themselves on the back more. Also give themselves more time to achive what they want. A lot of women don’t have to, but for everyone who is trying to juggle a lot, its obviously going to take more time to get everyting done. And then I think if we dont give up anything, but keep doing the art bit as well as the children, the thinking, the writing, blogging, caring, maintainance, everything, it will all get done, maybe differently, slower, but even though some things are left for periods, its all about keeping it going. I think this is a subject matter that should be much more talked about. We should be more aware… big hug