One emotional-health tool I’ve discovered through the years…and especially THIS year, is choosing to look (if desperately sometimes) for something that is good. Something to hold on to. Gratitude is a lifesaver…and by lifesaver, I mean the flimsy ring on a rope that you barely catch on the third or fourth try. You are still sputtering and swallowing water, the current is still sucking you downriver to the end of the world, but you are holding on to something again…and as you get a tighter grip, you start to believe you may possibly find terra firma again.
The biggest thing I keep returning to when I look for the good in Vernon’s situation is his relationship with Joe…or rather, Joe’s relationship with Vernon. I knew I liked Joe the first time we waved and smiled at each other, when he was out sunning and smoking in the courtyard all day long. Some people just strike you with that charisma before you even get to know them. And now…he is Vernon’s watchdog and my gratitude-lifesaver.
Since becoming Vernon’s roommate a couple of months ago, Joe has become increasingly committed to him. Remember when he used to volunteer to be his dialysis sitter, so that I wouldn’t have to find people to sit with Vernon three times a week? (That reminds me, there is another thing I’m grateful for: thank you, amazing volunteer sitters! You are LITERAL life-savers.)
Of course Joe was a patient himself, and not allowed to go. But he was so willing. At the time, he was desperate to find a job, a purpose. Well, he seems to have figured that purpose out for this season. He refuses to leave Vernon’s side if he is on the geri-chair and out of the room, he fills me in on all the goings on and conversations when Vernon wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to talk, he won’t let the student nurses anywhere near Vernon (because he doesn’t think they show him appropriate respect,) and if a friend comes to visit, he guides them around and fills them in on any information they might need to know. He even stopped stashing his giant tub of Twizzlers in the room because Vernon kept asking for one and wasn’t allowed. Though he prefers to take his meals in the room, he never eats in front of Vernon…ever. Sometimes he will wait a couple of hours and let the food go cold, because he doesn’t want Vernon to envy him. In his words: “I don’t want to be rude.”
Joan, down the hall, who is also a very able-minded patient, has a similar relationship with her own roommate, Rose, a 93 year old cancer patient, who, according to the photographs, appears to have aged 10 years in the last 9 months. Rose, who can barely hear, is crabby and often downright mean. But Joan told me she wouldn’t change rooms with her for anything. She thinks of herself as her advocate, always making sure Rose is getting what she asks for as much as possible.
I love Joe. Joe loves Vernon. He told me so the other day.
“He’s my friend,” he said. “I’m sticking with him for the duration of this time, whatever that is. They tried to get me out into another room because they know I don’t sleep as much as they think I should, but I told them I’m not leaving. I just wish they would let me take him out in the sun with me. It would be so good for him. I just feel so bad for him. I feel what he is going through.”
There is a burden that comes with love. These people live with it every day in a way that most of us haven’t had to. I’d love to think it as a sort of enlightenment. If only the people running the world had some of their enlightenment, we might be better off. Instead, these guys, like spiritual monks, are tucked away from society behind nursing home walls and their safety red-tape.
About a month ago, I noticed that Joe wasn’t as jovial as before. I wondered if spending so much time with Vernon was having a negative affect on him. He seemed more frustrated at the staff and the “rules.” He talked about being frustrated that they wouldn’t listen to him, concerning his requests about Vernon.
Joan rolled her eyes. “Joe is finally getting it,” she said. “This is what happens when you become an advocate and are also a patient. They just don’t take us seriously.”
For both of them, caring for someone else is making their lives there bearable…certainly more full. It also brings new sorrow. What brings the best out in us is also what breaks our hearts. And learning to live with that, I guess, is the great walk of a compassionate human.
Joe also says he enjoys Vernon’s company because “he gives me perspective.” I figured he meant that looking at Vernon’s situation gave him perspective on his own life, a reminder that he is actually less disabled. But perhaps it was more than that.
“You know, it gets you thinking, all this…I believe in God, I guess. I wouldn’t say I was “in love” with him or anything. But lately I’ve been thinking there is a purpose to all of this that we are dealing with here. There is a reason Vernon and I are here at the same time. Stuff like that. What about you, Vernon? What do you think about that?”
“About what?”
“About God.”
There was a pause before he answered. Vernon seemed to be looking for the right words (which his often mixes up.)
“I…I give him the benefit of the doubt.”
Joe nodded his head, thoughtfully. “Yeah, exactly.”
Then he looked at me. “See? He gives me perspective.”
I couldn’t agree more.
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<3 i love that there are big-hearted people like Joe in this world.
here is a burden that comes with love. These people live with it every day in a way that most of us haven’t had to. I’d love to think it as a sort of enlightenment. If only the people running the world had some of their enlightenment, we might be better off. Instead, these guys, like spiritual monks, are tucked away from society behind nursing home walls and their safety red-tape.
this is the paragraph I was referring to today….love it & love you!
Joe looks like a real american hero and sounds like one too. What an amazing man! Its hard for all of you when Vernon asks for food and drink and you have to say no. How considerate of his room mate to not eat in front of him! I think your photo of Joe is so good – you captured him.
Lots of love from Synnøve
Heart warming … brings joy to the heart … thankyou JOE for being my brothers friend xx
xx love to you all xx
Allison, This something that you can look at and feel the comfort that Joe gives to Vern by being there with him every day and he has the guts to stand up to the staff for Vern. I really believe that this is something that you and the rest of the family can give thanks to God for Joe’s being there and standing up for Vern whenever necessary. There a few people like Joe in this world and Vern found one just when he needed it. Makes easier on you but you still have the constant care of Vern to hold you fast.
Love,
Becky
What a guy! What a caring God we serve! Angel unaware, for sure. When we get bumped in this life, whatever we’re filled with spills out on those nearby. Sounds like you, Joe, and Joan are filled with some pretty good stuff. Thanks for sharing!
Thank God for Joe!
This really touched me Allison. You are am excellent writer.
“What brings the best out in us is also what breaks our hearts. And learning to live with that, I guess, is the great walk of a compassionate human.”
Beautiful.
‘There is a burden that comes with love’ – Yes! so true and Yes! you’re such a brilliant writer. Paining such gorgeous and sometimes heart wrenching pictures with your words. And this ,”Gratitude is a lifesaver…and by lifesaver, I mean the flimsy ring on a rope that you barely catch on the third or fourth try..” I had to read that 1st section over and over. Everyone thinks it’s so easy to “just be grateful”, but it’s so dang hard when the ugly stares us in the face, threatening to take us under the waves of desperation.
Thank God for Joe. And thank God for your ability to hang on to gratitude as you and Joe and Vernon inspire all of us.
You are a lifesaver as well my sweet friend. You are amazing and beautiful and I’m so grateful for you.
Love, Melissa
Wonderful, Allison!