“A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.”
—Thomas Mann
I haven’t known what to write this week, so I haven’t. I don’t know what to write tonight, either. But I will.
I’ve been writing this blog for nearly a year. Why stop now, right? I didn’t think it would take over like it has, but the exercise of writing at the end of the day has become a necessary meditation, a way of keeping track as well as processing the day. What was different about today then yesterday? What will Vernon want to know? What will I want to remember?
Once its on paper, I can move on…I can leave that day behind. And the next day…I can start over, looking for the next story that will come.
Writing has been my lifeboat. It clears out the daily dust in my head and gives me breathing space.
And that is why…even though I have felt lately I’m beginning to repeat myself in posts…I do it as a discipline. I can’t afford to stop.
I don’t have the heart to write much about my week with Vernon, though. I haven’t for days.
He has been so up and down and back and forth in his moods and communication, that I don’t even know who I’m dealing with from moment to moment sometimes. I go from thinking he is getting sick to calling on the nurses and doctors to see how we can help…to being sworn at or told to shut up…to being sweetly complimented or seeing him charm some stranger in the room. I go from concern to laughter to hope to disappointment….sometimes in the course of a few minutes.
But don’t get me wrong…I do not obsess over this all day long. Thankfully, life is bigger than my time with Vernon. He is the center of this blog though…and I want to keep people posted on his progress, no matter how long it is taking.
Again this is the beauty of writing. I can put it down…and it helps me let it go.
“E.L. Doctorow said once said that ‘Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.’ You don’t have to see where you’re going, you don’t have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice on writing, or life, I have ever heard.”
—Anne Lamott
Now I will share the best story that struck me in the course of yesterday. Before the rain chased us inside, I was sitting out on the patio with a surly Vernon. (“Check out that huge cat, Vernon.” “No, I hate cats!” etc, etc.) Several of the tenants rolled outside and sat in a little row as they chatted with one another. There may as well have been an audience for how well they seemed to be staged. I guess that audience was me.
I could have listened to them chatter all day. Joan (at the center of the photo) used to be a middle school teacher who suffered a stroke earlier this year. She is a glass-full type personality and always a joy to visit with. She’s hilarious at times. She had just discovered that the woman with the hat and the red blanket (whom I don’t know yet, she is rather new) was an actress in several films. I can’t remember now which ones she mentioned, but it was certainly impressive to the others in the row. Joan was a little star-struck.
But the best bit I gleaned from eavesdropping on this crew was when Joan proclaimed to her friends: “I am here so much longer than I thought I would be. I never thought it would take this long (they all murmured agreements) but you know its not so bad. Before, when did I get to sit around all day talking with friends, not having to work or take care of things? It’s kind of a luxury, if you think about it!”
Joan once told me that she cried for the first month she was in the home until her attitude changed and she got used to her new life there. So to hear her say that was touching.
Vernon’s progress is so much slower than I ever expected in the beginning. But we are here. And if nothing else, writing helps me make the most of it. And it teaches me to live in the now. When did I ever do that before? It’s kind of a luxury, if you think about it!
So that’s today. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. And after that, the next day.
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You are such a good writer, you have already written a book or two on this blog, and you have moved and touched and changed people this whole year with your writing. Stories are so impotrtant, writing them and reading them. True stories and fictional ones. This true story you are writing is a special one, together with your photos it is amazing. Thank you for letting us read it! Lots of love
Dear Allison,
We enjoy your blog and we don’t want you to quite. I put it on my Facebook and also report to the ladies of the group that I am a member of and also report to the Bible study how he is doing and request pray for Vernon and you every week. And it seems to help you get through some of the days that a heavy ad seem so long in coming. We have a girl in CO and she is a junior in high school and she has brain cancer and it doesn’t seem good for her. She recently had a MRI and it did not look good. They are afraid that if that operate she will lose her eyesight. She turned 16 this past year and was enjoying it so much. It is not fair for her but God has a plan for all of us and we don’t dare fight his plans. So God be with you and Vernon and Maki and Justine.
Love,
Becky Jones
We read your posts with loyalty, me and him. They provide a way for us to know a bit of the valleys the peaks. Nobody can fully understand what you and Vernon have experienced exactly, but your writing has at least allowed us to attempt to feel the daily process with you. And I cling to that. This season we couldn’t have anticipated (a year this month — unreal), it doesn’t have the urgency of the tiny progresses we saw earlier on. (Toe tapping, finger moving…) In some ways the lack of ER room crisis, the increase of waiting for the unknown, and acceptance, puts us all on a more passive mode. And still the challenges of each day meet us faithfully. Thank you for writing and creating a community through your open heart. I pray for Vernon’s continued healing — and for your strength today. <3
I can’t even begin to imagine the ups and the downs, the disappointments, the excitement over the smallest progress, and then down again……..then up etc. Continued prayers for Vernon………..for YOU & family!!! Much love.
Talking of writing, your list of posts on the right of the page here reads like poetry, something to play with. xx
great idea!
“Tears are words that need to be written.”― Paulo Coelho
The first thing i do every morning when i turn on my compter is to check your blog (as i am waking, Allison, you are going to bed..before,Verns accident, we used that time to pm each other about our lives and silly things really! ..how times and lives have changed???) ..i click on the side bar with the new title, to see how my brother is ..and how you are coping with your day to day life .. i love to read your words ..your observations of life , your ups and downs , Verns`s ups and downs , it is an emotional journey that is for sure..sometimes i find it hard to read the words you write , but this is your journey, your journey with vern .. but reading your words i feel i am with you both, i feel close to you..thankyou Allison for your blog , thankyou for sharing with us all.. keep on writing, it is the best therapy for us all….
xx love to you all, lots and lots of hugs xx
“I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.”
― Anne Frank
Oh sweet friend, this post touched me so much, on many levels. Thank you for writing, for giving us real Glimpses into yours and Vernon’s lives…
I just love your writing… Truly moved.
love you praying xo