“He lives most life whoever breathes most air.” ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Even with the oxygen treatment being added to make Vernon more comfortable (his blood oxygen levels are running around 74%) his lungs are working hard. His breathing is so slow…but it has been for days. The thing that I’ve noticed more this morning than even last night is that every few breaths, it takes longer to get to the inhale. Suddenly I sit up: was that the last one? Is another coming? It’s not unlike listening to a sick baby’s breathing patterns: Wait—where is the next breath?! Every once in awhile, he’ll make a loud gasp as he exhales…of course that startles us all. It’s very hard to listen to. I shall have to come in and out of the room more frequently today, I expect.
We have to go in and out emotionally too. We cant’t be heavy all the time. It’s exhausting. Every time there is a sacred-feeling moment, and it seems like the end must be close, I feel so connected, so primed for the moment. It feels like the last goodbye….and then, he lingers and we have to pull ourselves out of the moment and take a break. I called my friend Andrea earlier to talk about it: “It’s so hard, his hanging on like this. It’s already 17 days since his last Dialysis. We expected it to be so much sooner. Is it just that he’s young and has strong working organs? I don’t think he has any unfinished business that I can think of.”
“He has been dying a long time, ” she said. “He should have died the night of the accident, but he didn’t. He kept coming back from the brink for over 2 years (and 3 months yesterday.) You have always made sure he has love and music around him, you visit him all the time, even now in hospice, you give him a lot to live for, a lot to stay for. His spirit may be saying…I’ve got forever to enjoy eternity, I just want a little longer with them here. What seems like too long to you may seem too short to him.”
That really helped my perspective this morning, even though it did make me cry. To see it from his possible point of view makes me relax a little, and think: the timing isn’t up to me. Like birth, its inevitable, but his timeline doesn’t belong to me. It’s still Vernon’s story. It’s still his life.
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Didn’t see his message. Send again?
We are among the many who remain with you and with Vernon. Thank you from our hearts for your sharing.
Seeing it now.
Beautiful post and reminds me of the many moments that were left in my own situation each time. I think it was described perfectly to you by him through his font. “Breathe” and know that each moment, every moment, he still hears you though on a conscious level we don’t comprehend this completely. But it’s proven they do hear through even the very end.
Loving you through this as every moment always…breathe and love as deeply as you do through these final days. XO
I don’t want to make this about myself but reading your blog the last four or five days has taken me back 20 years to doing hospice care at home for my dad. It makes me realize how universal some of these things are: the semi-conscious state with eyes flickering only for their most beloved, the “breath vigil”, the need to not be heavy every moment of every day and the exhaustion that comes form that, and the wondering “why not yet?”. If I’d written a journal (beautifully) 20 years ago, it would be like re-reading it. You and Vernon are one of my first thoughts every morning, Allison. I carry you both in my heart all the time.
Allison, You are in our thoughts and prayers every day. Even though we never met Vernon, we feel as though we know and love him. We are with you in your pain and sorrow. We pray for the Father’s hands to hold you close and wrap you in His love. Dee and Anna
The incredible paradox of pain & joy…for all of us, as we are learning to surrender to this journey of life.
I have sat in that chair. 3 weeks of it. Listening to breath. Shallow, slow, rapid, silent, shallow. Circle of breath. Rhythms that sometimes seem to sync with the music being played. You may find yourself taking extra ones – deep, quick inhales exhales – breaths for him. Hardest place – the waiting. More so when there is no clock to watch. You are so right about the timing – we are not the keepers. Breath…
sometimes the last one is when we look away.
My mom was diagnosed with ALS and decided not to do any interventions to prolong her life. She lived with us for the last 18 months of her life and I treasure that time and think about it a lot in terms of how we can choose to surrender. During hospice and we were on constant vigil, one of the case workers told me not to be surprised if she passes when we were “not looking.” She said sometimes it is hard for the person dying, even if they want to let go.. to do so when when family and friends are present. After days of being there and in the room and saying our goodbyes.. I had to go into work for a few hours to do some paper work. Sure enough, she passed during that hour when it was only her and one of her caretakers. The caretaker said it was incredibly quiet and peaceful. My mom was a very private person and looking back, it makes total sense to me that she needed that private space to let go. It is so hard to shepherd your loved one through this dying process and there was so much pain, self-doubt but also joy about it all. But looking back, I feel very clean and peaceful about her passing. I am so sorry for you and your family for experiencing this. But reading your blog and seeing what you have gone through, I hope you will come out of this also feeling “clean.” My thoughts are with you and even though we haven’t seen each other since calArts days I am thinking of you.
I have a song to sing for you…
My heart is with you and Vernon today as I pray through the hours for God’s grace and mercy. You are walking out ahead of me with such courage and compassion, modeling the love I’m also trying to share with my sweet husband on his heaven-bent journey. Thank you for allowing us to sense your heart in these difficult days.
It takes a wise woman to surround herself with wise women!!
Allison,
Know this part of Vernon home going is so hard. Have you told him that he can go ahead because you will be okay? That is one question that the doctors when Bill’s Mom passed and he went to her bed and told her that she could go ahead and she left in not along time. Our prayers are with you and Vernon. Remember that he will be able to hear you till almost the end. Love to you and your family.
Becky
Wow- I almost bought that! I think this is one of my favorite fonts for sure. And “Just breathe” needs to be tattooed on my arm! This font is whimsical, sweet, poetic and light. Gorgeous. I can’t help, but think he probably got a lot of inspiration from you Ali. You’re beautiful, faithful poetic love inspires us all.
I can so relate with the timing issue and the waiting as it is so reminiscent of waiting to give birth.
Ecclesiastes 3 (AMP)
A Time for Everything
There is a season (a time appointed) for everything and a time for every delight and event or purpose under heaven—
A time to be born and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw away stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to [a]tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to keep silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.
What profit is there for the worker from that in which he labors? I have seen the task which God has given to the sons of men with which to occupy themselves.
God Set Eternity in the Heart of Man
He has made everything beautiful and appropriate in its time. He has also planted eternity [a sense of divine purpose] in the human heart [a mysterious longing which nothing under the sun can satisfy, except God]—yet man cannot find out (comprehend, grasp) what God has done (His overall plan) from the beginning to the end.