Since Maki is now in 8th grade, last night marked the third “Parent Night” I’ve attended at the Middle School. This is the evening at the beginning of the year when parents are invited to follow their child’s schedule, spending 12 minutes between bells in each classroom, meeting the teachers and getting a quick syllabus/approach to each subject. It all started out fine: PE, English, Science….I knew the general drill by now.,
Actually it was pretty great knowing our kid was an 8th Grader this year. Top of the Hill, again. I knew he would feel more confident in his classes as he knows how to move between them so much better than he did two years ago.
We’ve been expecting bigger concepts and more homework. Just like the teachers last night confirmed there would be. Nothing strange here…
And then I visited the 4th Period classroom: Mrs. Rosien’s Advanced Art.
She began to talk about how she she loved this elective class because the students actually wanted to be there. They were all students she had known for 2-3 years. I realized that Maki had been taking one of her classes every year since he arrived at this school. That she was actually one of the consistent people in his life. She probably didn’t even know it. And on top of that, she is one of those teachers who walks in pure encouragement and love. Out of the blue, I was touched to the core. I started leaking from the eyes…in a room with 15-20 other adults. Oh dear.
I managed to push through the next two classes, but it was difficult. I wanted to be there, but I felt surprisingly emotional. It shocked me, but I knew it wasn’t dangerous. Slightly embarrassing and annoying at worst.* (I feel I may need to make a disclaimer here: With my history/recovery of Major Depression, I know the difference of this and uncontrolled emotion and I am not afraid of a few tears.) Generally, it is a gift to be able to FEEL…appropriately.
I’ve heard that the feelings of grief come when you least expect them. We shore ourselves up and carry on with our lives because we have to. We look on the bright side, we see the positives. And then suddenly… it hits you in the small, routine moments of life.
(a picture of inner-children in math class? Could be!)
Anyway…I held things together pretty well and listened as best I could to the teacher’s plans for the year (yes, I did enjoy it mostly, too.) But by the time I got back to my car, I wanted to review the evening with someone (well actually, only with Vernon) just like we always have. Its like when we go to parties…we can be separate the whole time…but at the end of the night, when you are sitting in bed reviewing with each other all the details: who you talked to, what felt weird, funny, etc. Those are the things I realize I miss. For us, those are lovely nuggets of relationship: the going apart and returning. Experiencing things separately and sharing them together.
It’s not that Back-To-School night is especially sweet or sentimental. But I am realizing (as is Maki, who has his own story.) that in the summer, when routine goes out the window, when we live in change and spontaneity, it was easier to deal with our feelings. Its the memory…the return to normal that brings up the grief* and tears. September brings consistency, routine. It also brings up missing him.
*in this case, my definition of Grief is the normal and natural emotional reaction to loss or change of any kind.
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My eyes are leaky! You have a Beautiful way of articulating with words and expressing yourself in such a way as to teach and touch deeply – You are a gift!
Prayerfully …… With much Hope – all tears are Treasured
Thank you. You have been such a support and encouragement…at every step. I love you!
oh Allison,want to give you a big hug and say “i know” ..i have done the same at Lewis`s school,(explaining why i needed to take Lewis out of school for a few days next month, with a line of mums waiting behind me) in the jewellers the other day buying that locket for my Birthday..the tears just came ..the grief came out ..the embarrasment..for me the feeling of wanting to run and run ..run to where i don`t know ??? .. run from the grief.
We miss him too Allison, miss being able to see him , to hug him, to tell him all the “things” going on in our lives here in England…it is the little things…. and for you it is also the big things too ..your husband , the childrens father….the big chats ..the small talk, the just being in the same room …. just being there ….
it is ok to let those tears fall, we need to let them fall….
xx hugs , and i understand xx
What happened to you, Vanessa? I never knew…and this probably isn’t the place to ask. Whatever it was, I’m so sorry it was so sad. To bring your kids out of school…I didn’t realize. Sorry I haven’t had the emotional capacity to ask what is going on with your kids. So sorry about whatever is going on at home.
I am always so touched by your transparency Allison. I particularly felt that tonight. Embrace and enter into those sad moments too. God is very present in our tears.
Our God is an a awesome God. Trusting Him thru it all…….and weeping along the way. Praying every morning at 7:30 am. And all thru the night. xoxoxo!
I wish I could have stayed there and gone with you to the meeting. When I left i really felt so strongly that I wanted to become two People – one to be here and one to be there. I know its airy fairy, but the distanse in this situation is painful. Anyway the fact is that I cant stay there, (even if I magically became 2 People,) but I hope to still be present enough from far away to be of support. Lots of love
Do I see your next book idea taking shape? Someone who magically becomes two people? I’d love to read that story. And you would definitely have much of the experience to write it!
Oh Allison, I so understand what you are feeling I lost my son Jason 24 years ago and still I have those moments when the grief over takes me. I love reading your posts about Vernon. Even when you think you’re not, you’re a very strong woman. God Bless you and your family.
Sandy
Hi Sandy! That must have been so horrible to go through. Im so sorry for that loss, I know it was devastating. It is good for me to remember that we haven’t lost Vernon. God bless your sweet heart.
Allie, oh, how I know of the “sneaky” tears. And they “snuck” up on me as I was reading your post. Love you!
Oh Allison….my heart goes out to you precious lady. Love you!!!!!
Allison Joe and I just read the blog and we both just welled up! I got this feeling that you should be writing a book about all of this….you are so gifted and expressive. The important thing about grief is that we grieve together! We love you!
Oh Ali, my eyes just keep leaking as I think about how much we take for granted in our day to day lives. Thank you for this beautiful reminder to all of us. My heart aches when I think of all the little things that you are missing with your hubby right now… All Those little things that are actually the big ones.
You can call me anytime day or night to share with me the events of the day if ever you need to!! Love you so much, Melissa
are you back from New York yet? Did you bring back John Taylor? hehehehe!
sending a hug… and continued prayers
Allison,
Was s touched by what you had to say about going to school alone and how it touched you and not having Vernon there to talk after a trip like that.
Pat Boone’s daughter was on Hour of Power tonight and she was talking her son who had a brain injury and thought might like to check out what they are doing for other people. The e-mail address is Ryanreach.com so take a look at it and they could provide some help down thru the next few months.
Becky
Thanks, Becky! I will bookmark that link! Thank you always for your considerate support! Much love, Allison
That was so beautiful and elegant. I love your true love and “those little nuggets” are my favorite as well. Your confidant, your companion, your best friend, the only one who you don’t fear judgement from but you want to be the best person around. Prayers and more love your way. <3
Thank you for those words, Luci. They are beautifully put as well.