Remember a couple of weeks ago when I announced I’d changed my name? Well, I started strong by getting my social security card changed, but since then, the name-change road has been slow. I’m not worried…it took me 9 years to change it. I’ve got nothing but time when it comes to this. I DID, however, make an appointment to update my passport.

Not that I’ve got plans to leave the country soon.  But I frequently find myself fantasizing about it.

There is a trip planned for next week. My parents, Justine, and I will be flying to Kansas City, MO, for a family reunion. My youngest sister’s family moved there last year and bought a big house with a pool, which will surely accommodate all the young cousins. There are 15 of them under 9 years old.

It will be great to see everyone. With everyone so spread out, I haven’t seen some of my siblings in years. I bought tickets in February or March, so I’ve been looking forward to this for months.  But I’m finding myself panicking a little as the days get closer.

Logic reminds me I have nothing to worry about. I’ve made short trips before, many things can be handled over the phone. Vernon is in good hands—he’s got Joe looking out for him at the very least. I don’t actually catch myself worrying about the details that can go wrong, but there is a growing (irrational?) anxiety that if something DOES happen, I won’t be near enough to get there in time.

Yet to travel is what I dream about most these days.  Shall we call it “The Caregiver’s Paradox?”  I’m sure its very common.

Another reason it feels strange to leave right now is that I have been working with the doctors on cutting back on some of his heavy medicines and looking down some alternative trails, keeping my eye trained closely on him for changes. Seriously, THAT’S what I need a passport for! The World of Alternative Medicine seems like another land completely, compared to the kinds of treatments he’s been getting since his ICU days. I thought I knew a few things…but wow, its mind-boggling. At least there is hope in that place. I’m praying for wisdom as I navigate into it a little more seriously.