I realize I haven’t written here for almost a week, a far cry from the early everyday posts of last summer. It’s not like there hasn’t been anything to document. I just have run out of emotional strength. And the things I really want to process, I’m not sure that this is the right forum for. Until I figure that out, it feels like a certain wall has been hit and I’ve spent the week slumped at the base of it, reeling and exhausted, not knowing what to do but look up at it and look for some (any!) small hole or hold so I can make a climb toward hope once again. Help me in my unbelief.
I know what depression feels like. I’m a clinical case, unfortunately. But I also know how to manage it and I’ve been doing well for a decade. I know I’m not sliding…this doesn’t feel dangerous. The weather has been muggy and overcast for a couple of weeks, I’m taking my meds faithfully, eating right, exercising, and talking about my feelings with safe people. I’m taking breaks. I tried to take the week off from Vernon and focus on what needs to be done at home, and I only wound up getting a cold and having several of his appointments and important elements of his nursing care fall through the cracks. I don’t mean to make this blog about my own mental health, but I have to admit, I’m bummed out big time. Its a sad, sad time…but these tears are reasonable. Vernon’s future looks bleak.
I just wish I didn’t have to fall apart or lose my temper in each of the three medical consultations I’ve been to this week. Or in front of the kids. Thank God for sunglasses.
Also, I really didn’t appreciate the office assistant that turned Vernon away in his ambulance gurney at his urology appointment that we all met across town for (an appointment that was made 6 weeks ago) that I needed to CALM DOWN.
My next post will be more uplifting, I promise. I DO have a small foothold in mind. Sometimes I just can’t move forward till I’ve assessed the present.
“If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” Frank A. Clark