I realize I haven’t written here for almost a week, a far cry from the early everyday posts of last summer. It’s not like there hasn’t been anything to document. I just have run out of emotional strength. And the things I really want to process, I’m not sure that this is the right forum for. Until I figure that out, it feels like a certain wall has been hit and I’ve spent the week slumped at the base of it, reeling and exhausted, not knowing what to do but look up at it and look for some (any!) small hole or hold so I can make a climb toward hope once again. Help me in my unbelief.
I know what depression feels like. I’m a clinical case, unfortunately. But I also know how to manage it and I’ve been doing well for a decade. I know I’m not sliding…this doesn’t feel dangerous. The weather has been muggy and overcast for a couple of weeks, I’m taking my meds faithfully, eating right, exercising, and talking about my feelings with safe people. I’m taking breaks. I tried to take the week off from Vernon and focus on what needs to be done at home, and I only wound up getting a cold and having several of his appointments and important elements of his nursing care fall through the cracks. I don’t mean to make this blog about my own mental health, but I have to admit, I’m bummed out big time. Its a sad, sad time…but these tears are reasonable. Vernon’s future looks bleak.
I just wish I didn’t have to fall apart or lose my temper in each of the three medical consultations I’ve been to this week. Or in front of the kids. Thank God for sunglasses.
Also, I really didn’t appreciate the office assistant that turned Vernon away in his ambulance gurney at his urology appointment that we all met across town for (an appointment that was made 6 weeks ago) that I needed to CALM DOWN.
My next post will be more uplifting, I promise. I DO have a small foothold in mind. Sometimes I just can’t move forward till I’ve assessed the present.
“If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” Frank A. Clark
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Allison I can feel your emotion and know it well. A small book a friend gave is a frequent resource for me. ‘The Red Sea Rules’. Perhaps it will give you some support.
Thanks Randy. I may need that!
This is a great book, Allison! Please allow yourself some space for sadness and anger and fear. As you know, this is to be expected as you find your new normal. I promise there are many bright spots ahead, beautiful girl. Do not lose heart!
i don’t think we tell how we’re really feeling often enough. wonder why that takes more courage than not? at any rate, thank you for this and we are praying you don’t feel alone or discouraged and am happy to create a foothold for you when I figure that out.
much love and I’m so proud of you, aunt sue
Dear Allison,
We all go thru a certain of depression from time to time. Sorry we are not closer and can help but we are praying for you along the way. And if you need to cry dear, cry because you deserve it. It has been such a long road that you are treading that I would be very surprised at you if you were not being depressed. Get close to God at these times make an appearance and will container to occur unless their is a miracle cure. Just bear with it dear.
Is Maki not going to visit his Mom this year?
With you in prayer,
Becky Jones
Dear Allison,
It is quite understandable your being in a place where it is all too much. It is quite okay to share the real human part of your emotions.
You’re really done a remarkable job of pulling hope out of your bag of
ways to keep yourself and your kids going through difficult days. Now it may be a time to sit quietly before the Lord and surrender all the fragments left into his hands. When we surrender we are giving it all to him and trust him to see us through. I pray in the quiet stillness you will find a strength you never knew existed. Sometimes we have to give up our hopes and our dreams and trust God. How hard is that to do? Very hard! The Lord offend calls us to what is hard; what we can’t do without his help. Lead on him and he will be there for you; in miraculous ways.
My heart goes out to you; my eyes weep with you. You don’t have to give up hope; but you do have to surrender to ways that are past your understanding. God’s ways are above our ways. Remember in it all that “all things work together for your good.” That, too, is difficult to understand. We are called to surrender our trust to Him.
I realize at times like these scripture doesn’t always bring peace in our situations. Yet, I want to share this with you.
“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled t the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:14-21 The Lord will not leave nor forsake you in your storm. Trust Him! Trust His Love for You and Yours!
Love and Prayers,
Charlotte Hubbard
I’m so sorry for this unneeded frustration. I have a cousin with CP and he has to be transported by ambulance and has had cancellations.. You would think the the medical field would try and be more understanding and supportive. But the whole system is flawed. my heart goes out to you Allison. Maybe this week things will be better. One day at a time. Vernon is in the Lords hands.
Great post Charlotte Hubbard
You are cherished and Loved & a beautiful sister in the Lord.
Your entries are precious to all of us reading them n your vulnerability is to be praised Along with the honesty of your heart.
We share your happy n sad emotions n r praying for all of you.
Ephesians 3:14-21 is a beautiful prayer n will keep you in Hope n sustain you in this journey. His Love is the lifter of your head.
Hugs
I’ve read your blog faithfully along this journey that you, Vernon, Maki and Justine are on together. Your strength, ability to express emotions through your writing, love of art, heart, and your faith has all come through in your posts. My prayer for you Allison is that you don’t take the burden of being uplifting to your readers, friends and family. You are the one that needs to be lifted up, not visa versa.
As a mom, it can be difficult to let your children see frustration, anger, sadness, but then again how do they learn to navigate this world without examples of what it means to experience and work through those emotions?
All the sadness and unbelief you are feeling are valid…and your prayers are not falling on deaf ears although I’m sure it seems that way at times. God is there, even in the quiet storm, most likely even more so at that time.
My prayers continue for all of you, and the lifting up of your heart will be at the top of my list.
BTW – I think I might have thrown more than a tantrum at the nurse..you showed restraint 🙂
Although I never wished it, the times of unguarded sadness were when I felt most compassionate and attentive with my own boys as they grew. I would want to do whatever it took to heal their hurts. I think that may be God, with you, right now. His face is toward you, dear sister, day and night and, knowing loss and anguish himself, hears your many wordless sighs. We’re praying for you in this valley/plateau… that God would bring you into an emotional calm, like you’ve never known before. “The wind and waves still know your Name.”
It is Too MUCH. And it’s totally not fair… What you and Vernon are going through. We need to hear the truth of where you’re at, so we can come along side of you!
We can hold your arms up while the battle is on (Like Moses)
We won’t let YOU fall through the cracks, just as you won’t let Vernon!
(School is almost out, I want to help you – I will be talking with you about this)
I’m praying for the grey clouds to go…Here comes the sun…
Love you, K
Hello Allison, First off your what you are feeling is completely and totally normal and you do need to take a break from visiting Vernon. Remember that Jesus also took breaks and retreated to the desert to regroup and refocus. Your feelings are very valid and you have really stepped up to the plate to take care of Vernon, your children, handling house duties and all the massive paperwork. You are a hero in my book. Next, if somebody in the medical field speaks to you like that again, please demand to speak to the supervisor. Show them a picture of what Vernon looked like before the accident and don’t say anything. This person was totally unprofessional! May God give you strength and wisdom during the coming days and weeks. My prayers are with you, Vernon, his caregivers, and children. Please take time out for yourself to refocus and heal. Dale Marie Walton
Allison all i can say is i love you all very much as i read this post… and wish i could be with you to take the strain of it all ..because “we” love vern so much..and the children ..always , always here for you dear sister-in -law xx
God has been niggling me of late to pray for you…must admit, I’ve been feeling some frustration about this situation on your behalf, so I can only imagine what it must be like for you to be living with these challenges every day. Thank you for your honesty and courage.
It sounds very much like you’re going through some burn out…and no wonder. I’m joining with those collectively asking the Lord for some kind of breakthrough for Vernon, and swift relief for you. May God bless your socks off!!
Sending love and prayers, xo
Thank you for being so eloquently vulnerable with us. You are gifted artistically and in your writing as well, great word pictures, expressing your hitting the wall.
I will remember to pray more for you and your family, for miracles.
As always, thank you for your vulnerability with your struggles. It is a gift for your children to see your tears and your frustrations, it let’s them know that they are allowed to grieve and struggle too.
Praying for a time of renewing as you grieve this journey.
Amen to all of the above, Allison. When I prayed for you and your parents when were a child, I had no idea what you would face in later years, but the Lord did……and I am constantly amazed at how He has prepared your heart and talents to combine them for this journey…..I only wish we could bless you the way you have blessed all of us……admittedly, none of us would choose your circumstance, but it proves to be awesome, nevertheless. (One time when hubby Ed was going through some long term, very deep waters and it looked like there was no light at the end of the tunnel, friends kept saying they were praying for him. He resorted to humor and replied, “OK. You can stop praying now. I’ve had enough.” I’m sure you must feel this way at times……he said he was actually joking on facts.) Thanks for sharing it ALL….love that Joe!