“Love is a state of being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you.”—Eckart Tolle
After Vernon died, and I marched through the long corridor of intentional healing, I heard variations of this one phrase over and over: “Grief is price we pay for love.” I remember those words brought me some comfort at the time—they do have a certain poetic gravitas that seem right—but now they kind of just piss me off. I heard someone mention this phrase recently. When she said those words: “Grief is the price you pay for love,” I shuddered a little. Surprised at my physical reaction to words that once seemed just right, I took some time to figure out why.
I thought about this quote by the Serbian writer Meša Selimović:
“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.”
This makes so much more sense to me. This is what I have come to believe is true. To me, his ultimately cancels out the previous phrase.
What I have come to understand on this point on my path, is this: Grief isn’t a price we pay. Love is free. Love has to be free. Love is something we already have, it comes with the package we’re born in, we are free to let it grow or shrink, but it’s already ours, a part of us to do with as we will. When we open our hearts, it multiplies, when we close them, it stays put. When we love another, and they leave or die, our ability to give or receive this love may be affected by the perceived betrayal of life, and how much we may miss being loved in a special way, but the love we gave is still ours, it’s just morphed with the space we’ve allowed it. Our hearts are broken. We’re wounded. We may need to crawl into a cave for awhile and be small. But the love itself isn’t gone, we just may need time rediscover it in ourselves.
Love can’t be bought or sold. No one in the world is undeserving of this gift—its our birthright as humans. The word PRICE to me suggests conditions, a trade. I don’t like the idea of a love that comes with such trappings. I don’t think it’s supposed to, not at it’s purest form. Perhaps what hurts, as in the quote above, are the painful things we have attached to it. If we can separate these shadows, perhaps we can get back to this truth. Love is for everyone, no matter what your situation. It’s a force that sometimes shows up as a feeling. It’s the best part of being human.
Now, about grief: yes, it exists everywhere, it emerges through great disappointment and it can feel awful, and maybe the deeper you feel your love, the deeper you feel the pain (I don’t know)—but another way to view it is that it is a guide to help us figure out (eventually) how to be more human and more compassionate to others…which brings us back to uncovering the love that we never really lost.
So THAT’S how I feel about THAT, in case anyone wanted to know! 🙂
I am going to be leading a workshop in San Clemente, Monday evenings in February around Creative Grieving. Information below if you are interested in joining me. (I don’t know how to fix comment section on this website so if you are interested, please contact me at wunderali@gmail.com.)
As a human, you are a creative being. It is what keeps us finding new ways forward, against all odds. Perhaps you are in a stage of life that GRIEF has chosen to collaborate with you. Learn to embrace this great phenomenon of the heart and uncover the hidden gifts of loss.
Join me for a 4-week workshop Monday evenings in February in which you will learn to process some of this pain and transform it into a something beautiful and unique to yourself. We will meet in a calm, soothing space, using such tools as music, guided visualization, journalling, artwork, and group-support. Our focus is embracing Grief, and there are no judgements on what is “too big or too small”— this workshop will encircle any level of loss or heartbreak. This is your personal journey, and I want to enable you to see it in a new light.
6.30-8pm
Mondays, February 3-24, 6:30-8pm
Investment: $175 (includes supplies and midweek support)
To register, please PayPal or Venmo $175 along with “Creative Grieving” in the subject as well as your phone number or email.
Venmo: Allison-Adams-33
PayPal: wunderali@gmail.com
