“Anger surfaces once you are feeling safe enough to know you will probably survive whatever comes. At first, the fact you lived through the loss is probably surprising to you. Then more feelings hit, and anger is usually at the front of the line as feelings of sadness, panic, hurt and loneliness also appear. “—David Kessler
Who knows why the waves of grief set in when they do? Or why sometimes are more strong than others? This round, I’m sure, has been triggered by the time of year—it was last August that Vernon spent those twenty days from going into the hospital with an infection to breathing his last breath. It was the most traumatic part of the whole event, I suppose because before then, there had always been a smidgen of hope. For most of this year, I just felt sorry for him, sorry for the kids, sad that we have to live without our person. This round, there was little space for feeling sad, for missing him. I’ve been angry. I felt abandoned. Fearful again of the worst case scenarios. I’m not saying it’s logical, but it’s been overwhelming. I also hear that year anniversaries are major triggers for grief. But even knowing that, one can’t really be prepared for how it will surface.
Yesterday, I came upon the phrase ‘secondary losses,’ which helped me a lot. Here is a little graph. It’s a different level of mourning—something that, until now, I haven’t begun to have a word for myself. Naming things is important. But ultimately, it’s all grief.
Here’s another chart that people might find helpful as they navigate their way through the stages of grief. 😛
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I don’t think the grieving will ever end – it’s been almost 50 years since I lost my beautiful 44 year old mother. Somehow, maybe I don’t think I want it to end, as in the grieving I remember and feel our connection and love and memories.
I guess it doesn’t! Im so sorry to hear about the pain of losing your mum, Cheryl. But there is a lot of love in it too, as you say. I guess what surprises me is the intensity of it when you think you’ve felt it all! Hugs to you, Cheryl! xo
Love you so much. Thank you for trusting us enough to share the journey. Your friendship has been life giving even when life was taken…
I am so sorry for your loss Allison. I chuckled when I saw your graph because we’d like to think that there are logical stages to grief, but in reality it hits us when we least expect it. And in ways we can’t anticipate. I appreciate you sharing that graph as I’m sure it will be an encouragement to many. I remember hearing that the sorrow doesn’t go away, we just learn to live past it. I’ll be praying for your journey. Thank you for bearing your soul and sharing….
Allison,
So sorry about your loss. As been said before grief doesn’t disappear it stays around for a good long while. When you are feeling so bad just think people all over are praying for you. Just hold on and you will eventually have some peace. And then it may stay with you for a long time. Keeping you in our prayers.
Hugs,
Becky
Hold on to all that is good and positive… sometimes we need a reminder to remember what we stiil have.. the love of family, the blessings that surround us, and the knowledge of all those you’ve helped by sharing your journey.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Your grief experience helps me (and I’m sure others). My mom passed away in April this year and I understand the waves of grief that overcome you . I continue to pray for you and your sweet family.
I had to chuckle the first time I saw the scribbled mess on the ‘grief chart’! A little humor goes a long, long way with this grief journey. Thank you for sharing.