I’m experiencing some ’emotional whiplash,’ as my friend Nicole called it when I tried to explain my current state of mind. Let’s see if I can get some of it on paper.
Last night had to be one of the most surreal experiences I’ve experienced in a lifetime. I got a call in the afternoon that a social worker at Mesa Verde had questioned Vernon regarding his suicidal thoughts, that a doctor had prescribed to bump up his Depekote dosage, and that he’d be going to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. And could I be there soon in case he refused to go with the ambulance? I got up there about 5:00, wondering: is this it? Has he been hurting himself? Is this where it all ends? Or, more likely, is this just another medical extension?
He was remarkably calm and lucid, which was strange enough after my experiences with him lately. I was happy about that, but honestly confused. He was confused too, when I mentioned we’d be going to the hospital because a doctor said his sadness needed to be checked out. In fact, he was quickly angered: “I never said that! Why do they say I’m depressed? They are LYING!” So I talked him down, the first of many times over the long evening ahead.
I assume it is protocol to send a suicidal patient for an evaluation. But since he couldn’t remember his thoughts from previous days, he answered the ER doctor’s questions as if he was there to get an x-ray. Several people came in during that time. I told his story over and over again. He would still get angry when I mentioned depression.
I kept telling the questioners: “Yes, of course he is depressed. Look at him. He doesn’t have a life. All he can do is lie in bed all day.”
“And there is nothing to do!” Vernon chimed in.
“What’s that, Honey?”
“There is nothing to do. I’m bored to death.”
They’d ask about his psychiatric history before the accident. “Really? Does it matter now?”
They shrugged, hoping for some connective answer. I could tell they knew I had more answers than they did.
“My brain’s all scrambled,” piped Vernon. Well, he’s got that right. Progress?
There was a man in the room next door, talking loudly (to a phone? a phantom?) about his great love in life and that he’d prove it when he was sent to prison. He sounded violet and crazy and terribly interesting. I kept leaning against the doorway in my yellow paper gown (in which I’m not allowed to leave the room) trying to eavesdrop. He still made no sense, but when the big security guard pulled up a seat in the hallway by his door, I became even more curious. Sadly, I never found out…but he did add another element of the bizarre to the evening.
In the meantime, Vernon used his time for exercise, discovering the hospital bed rails could also be used as a jungle gym. For hours, he moved himself around on those things. I called for help three times to pull him back to the top of the bed. I told him I knew he was trying to escape. He agreed with me—he had to, being caught red handed.
Eventually, some blood was taken to access his medication levels. It was established he would not need to go to a psychiatric hospital as his nursing needs were even higher. We were told that since there was no actual psychiatrist in the ER, but that there was one on-call, Vernon would have a remote conversation via robot, Before I could get my head around that, I saw this hoover-like machine awkwardly sweeping down the hallway.
“Excuse me. Pardon me.”
I can only try to explain through video. There is an app for everything.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEPZ95mejMU
Strange, right? A psychiatrist robot. Well, I never! Seriously, I never have seen anything like this. Truth is stranger than science fiction.
Didn’t phase Vernon though. Did you hear? He told me to pull myself together while I followed the robot out with my camera phone. The cheek!
In the end, nothing much was changed. Perhaps he does need anti depressants, but he wasn’t in the right state of mind to express it. I’ll check in with his doctor about this.
It was bizarre indeed. I’m still caught between great grieving and the hope that involuntarily comes when I see progress, or at least when I see something of the old Vernon coming through. I don’t know if I only have this for a day or two…until the next downswing. Ah! It’s so confusing…
I’m happy he was well-ish last night. My heart wants to believe in a wild miracle, but I can’t discount the deep places of letting go that I’ve touched in the past week. I can’t discount that.
Perhaps letting some things go has allowed the space to experience joy…with Vernon, while I have the chance.
Meantime, it’s a zero gravity emotional space. Things are bouncing left and right…but nothing is landing.
So this is how it is today. I told you it was surreal.
Oh…I almost forgot the weirdest part of all. Vernon kept working on the rails of his bed, trying to move himself around. He doesn’t have any rails in the care home anymore, as it is a danger to his person. Eventually, over the course of practice, he managed to sit himself on his bottom, without the balance of his hands. He hasn’t done that yet. Here’s the proof. Make of it what you will.
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One of the best shares yet- and my favorite part you shred…
“There was a man in the room next door, talking loudly (to a phone? a phantom?) about his great love in life and proving it when he was in prison or when he might go to prison. I wasn’t sure…but he sounded violet and crazy and terribly interesting. I kept leaning against the doorway in my yellow paper gown (in which I’m not allowed to leave the room) trying to eavesdrop. He still made no sense, but when the big security guard pulled up a seat in the hallway by his door, I became even more curious. Sadly, I never found out…but he did add another element of the bizarre to the evening.”
Love reading your experiences, they are so poetic. Keeping the thought for Vernon to be able to move into the best next place for him whatever that truly is. Loving you daily and prayer love.
E
Well ms. E…i know you get it. Sometimes the humour is the best part of the day.
Dear Allison ..it sounds to me like Vern is really , really bored ..which to me sounds like a “good thing” ..he needs to be doing things …Vern has never been one to just “stay” in bed ..think what he is trying to tell you all is .. please give me things to do ..people to see..I AM MORE than my brain injury ..i need a better life ..i need to get moving ..i need to use my body and my brain… maybe there will be people / a charity than can be with Vern and help him get moving ..make his life more interesting …..
xx love to you all and big hugs xx and big, big hugs to my brother ..i guess he needs extra hugs right now .. we all need extra hugs right now xx
Allison – I just want to offer that certain antidepressants also help with anxiety without sedating. Irritability can be a component of depression. So, considering his acting out with staff, family, and difficult behavior at dialysis – it seems reasonable to consider one of these medications. Usually, it takes a couple of weeks to see therapeutic effects – but it certainly seems reasonable to try one of these medications. Of course, I offer this from a distance without knowing what other medications he is on. God’s peace be with you – and kindest regards from my family. – Cathy
Zero gravity. I saw it, all of it in those two words. The black in white photo of Vernon where he looks like he is scowling captured something, very much like a prisoner. Poor old Vernon. I don’t blame him one bit for pitching a fit. This post is wild. A robot doctor. We have arrived.
You know we love and pray for you all.
I think music is a must this weekend! And art! If I could bring a circus to entertain him, I would.
sounds like a perfect plan Susan ..thank you for your family and their music, i can tell by Allisons posts that my brother, Allison, Maki and Justine love you all..and Vern loves the music xx..i wish i could be with you all to enjoy your Sunday concerts xx
“I’m still caught between great grieving and the hope that involuntarily comes when I see progress,”
Your faith and humor and perseverance are awe-inspiring. I am so encouraged and humbled by your updates. Just a day of that uncertainty… being pulled toward grief and hope…is overwhelming, exhausting. Yet you are persevering with such grace and love and even joy.
Dear Allison,
I am grateful you take the time to tell us what you are seeing in regards to “Vernon updates”.
Your abilities to take a breather and honestly look at your feelings and go the extra mile to express. them to yourself and your readers is wonderful on many levels.
I always read them, continue to pray, but rarely respond.
Please let me know if you think Vernon would like me to visit one Tuesday or Wednesday.
That would be wonderful…it would have to be in the afternoon as he has dialysis in the mornings. But the harp would be a real gift. Either day is fine if you are willing to go to Costa Mesa. Thank you, Donna.
Praying for the wisdom for the right kind of care for Vernon and you…..if man can manufacture a robot like that, then God can manufacture His own miracles in His great and mysterious ways!
To see him sit up by himself is awesome progress and I really wish he was allowed the rails to practice with at Mesa Verde! Oh it’s so frustrating that he’s not getting some good P.T. –
The robot was totally surreal– did it have fake empathy?
Weird.
Allison,
Good blog and very telling how Vern is doing. The robot was so neat. We are watching the future right before our eyes. And to see him sitting up like that is so wonderful. I know that you still have questions about his care and living likes he has been forced to the last 18 to 20 months. All we want is the best for Vern. God be with you and guide you during these days of being alone and not knowing how you feel.
Hugs,
Becky
I have not commented before, but I have been following Vernon’s progress with interest. I first met Vernon by telephone, when Maki was about three years old. That too was a dark time for him and he posted a question on a forum. I got up in the morning to see a very depressed message and immediately, I broke the rules and gave him my phone number and told him he could ring me – any time, night or day. He did just that and we quite often had calls between us at 4 in the morning, my husband bringing me a quilt to wrap in and a cup of hot tea while Vernon and I talked!
He got through it then and he will get through it now. Just both of you hang in there. If you want to know what I said to him, then send me an email.
How wonderful that you found this website, Ruth. Anyway…I do remember he spoke of you often when I first met him. You were his…I’m thinking of the word…Makenzie Friend? Was that it? Anyway, yes, he spoke of you fondly. Thank you for your encouragement. I would love to read what you wrote him. Thank you.
Besides all the crazy things, it is great to see him siting by him self.
We deal with that crazy machine, from time to time. I told the psych doc today I don’t want machine to come see my pt. Lord bless you both. We will be continue praying both both.
My prayers and love for you, Vernon, Maki and Justine. The whole machine incident is so foreign to me in dealing with the state Vernon was in last night. Can’t undersatnd how a hospital wouldn’t have an on staff mental physician present.
Nothing’s changed
I still love you, oh, I still love you
This is my first comment as well. You may not recognize my name but I am Dorine Imbachs other daughter. I absolutely love your writing and your art. You are an amazing warrior woman. You inspire and strengthen me and many others. Thank you for including us in your journey. May God give you peace and rest in your heart as you trust His perfect purpose. 💖
Who sends in a warm and fuzzy robot to talk to someone in Vernon’s physical and mental state? Now I’ve seen everything! God bless you both!
yes, I was thinking that too…that would frighten me if I was in an altered mental state!
I’m excited to see Vernon sitting up by himself! I wonder if some of the depression/ anxiety symptoms are due to boredom, as he explained. Wishing very much that they would give him more physical therapy/occupational therapy. Seems like he is pushing himself to be more independent in terms of movement (eg. rolling onto the mat, sitting up unaided)…that’s got to be a healthy sign.
ps(you have a real gift for writing – I really enjoy the way you tell a story!)