The other day, we asked Vernon how he felt. “Superimposed” was his answer. What a remarkable way to put it.
su·per·im·pose
-
place or lay (one thing) over another, typically so that both are still evident.
I’d say that even in his state, he sometimes still has a gift of saying the most unexpected, but exactly right thing.
That’s probably what dying feels like. Superimposed. Wow. I love his mind, even the little left of it.
It wasn’t long into this hospital run that I knew: if he made it through and death didn’t come this time, it would be another time in the not-so-far future. It’s turning out to be this time. I’d waited to say anything here until I had confirmation from the doctors and after that, had contacted his family.
I’m sure I’ll write more about this fascinating, surreal, superimposed time in another post, but for now, here is the basic story.
It wasn’t exactly the infection in the end, but complications from the infection. It wasn’t exactly his kidney failure in the end, but complications with his catheters.
It was made pretty clear that Vernon would only be able to have dialysis a little longer, and only if I’m aggressive with more surgery. I’d already been informed months ago that stopping life support ( dialysis) would make for a gentle death for him. They say the body holds on about 8 days in hospice (though could be more or less) after dialysis is ended. I decided yesterday that this would be the most compassionate plan for him, as he had run out of options (run out of clean, usable ports.)
I stand by my decision as I’ve watched him get weaker and more confused the past few days. Today was meant to be his last dialysis, but already his nephrologist called and told me his numbers don’t call for dialysis. His body is already shutting down. In the end, it wasn’t a decision at all. He was already dying despite what I felt was a choice. I am glad for that as it leaves no doubt that this is the right time and we are ready.
Joe has requested that Vernon stay in the same room with him as he ends his days on hospice care. Absolutely, I agreed. Maybe Joe needs this time too.
I let Maki and his mum know the other night, and they were able to get him on an earlier flight. I’ll pick him up at LAX in about two hours, bringing our good friend Chris along for moral support. Then we’ll stop by the hospital. I believe Vernon is holding on for Maki, the heart outside his body. Justine is visiting cousins with my mom, and she’ll be home Friday. I haven’t told her yet, but don’t feel I need to.
Thank you to everyone for caring like you do. I feel very loved and lifted. Just a little superimposed.
And very sad.*
*(Especially since we didn’t make it to our 10 year anniversary in three weeks. That’s the sad thought that always brings tears the fastest. As if it matters…but somehow it does.)
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I have no words. Just tears and prayers.
Ali I have no words either, just tears, lots tears after reading this post……. recently losing my dad I can’t imagine losing my soulmate. Knowing you for over five years through IG and knowing the story….. the love story between you and Vernon and how similar it is to mine and my husbands I can’t imagine what you’re feeling or going through. I’m here if you need or want to reach out. My thoughts are with you, Maki & Justine. Hugs, love & light my dear. ❤️
Dear friend Allison,
I am so in awe of how you are handling yet another hurdle. You handle everything with such grace and class. I hope you know that you have a friend in me and that I am sending lots of prayers, hugs and a kiss. You are a very breve soul.
So sad for you but know that Vernon will soon be celebrating eternal life with our Lord. Still not easy. My heart breaks for you. Courageous soldier. Faithful wife. Loving Mom. Sister in Christ. Lead on.
Ali, love and prayers with all my heart. Always. You are a sweet, beautiful, brave and enduring soul. Love only love to you.
Bless you, Allison.
We’ve been following your journey on this blog, and praying for you guys. Thanks for your beautiful transparency. I have learned so much from you, Maki, Justine and Vernon (and even Joe!) May these last few days of your journey with Vernon on this side of eternity be as sweet as they are difficult. Lots of love from Dallas. Jose and Laura.
Allison, I never did order my shirt with Vernon’s fonts but I want one and don’t see the option now. Can someone help me in ordering it?
Anne — I’ll run some more in the near future. I’ll let you know when we are set up to take orders again. — Jen
Love you, Allison.
I can’t tell you exactly how much I have appreciated how you have shared your journey with us. It has meant a lot to me.
I can’t imagine your grief, but the strength of the Lord is giving you through this entire process has been remarkable. What a good God he is. All the time. Whether or not we understand. And he has never said that we had to…
I think that is a huge thing about trusting, trusting, and trusting.
Oh what unexpected and unforeseen turns and twists our pathways take us on. And yet, because we know Jesus is our captain, we know that he works them all together for good, and for his glory. Again, not always seeing and not always understanding. Just trusting.
We love you guys! Sending love from our family to yours! Naomi wants Justine to know she is super loved! I pray that the next few days are filled with family and love as you say goodbye.
Your Aunt Sue forwarded all the emails from your dad apprising us of this…..you have been at the top of my prayer list daily, and will continue to be through this part of your journey.
May you be so surrounded with God’s presence.
we have been with you and vernon all these months
and send our love as his time is near.
suddie and goldie
My heart is somehow holding You, Maki, Justine and family very close! You, Allison, have shown all of us on this journey with you how to love well and finish well. Vernon could not have a better wife! Loving you, kat
I wish I had the words to take some of your pain away, but I can only remind you once again that we are here for you, and we are praying for you and sending all the love and peace we have to give. xo
Dear Allison,
I have never met you and it looks like I won’t get to meet Vernon. But I have prayed for you both and the family for so long that you feel like family to me. My heart aches for you especially through this very difficult time. Please know that many are caring and loving and praying and most of all our most loving Jesus is always by your side. Rest on Him and let His arms hold you with our prayers.
Allison,
The earth will be sad but heaven will be rejoicing. I am blessed to have spent some early days with Vernon n have loved being apart of the story through your beautiful blog. It is hard to let go of a loved one but they r always with us in spirit n God’s Grace is so amazing. I will continue praying for all of your n Vernon’s loved ones. You r loved n cherished. Hugs Lexie
I have been off Facebook for the last three weeks but have been checking your blog posts because I’ve been doing that since you started it and it’s become a habit of sorts. My heart is heavy for you, maki, Justine and the rest of your family. Sending you so much love…
Oh my gosh Allison I’m SO sorry I asked you to take pictures of me with my girls before they move out of state, WHO CARES EXCEPT FOR YOU WITH VERNON!!! OH WOW GOD BE WITH YOU, GOD BLESS YOU HONEY ;-(
What a journey you and your family are on, Allison. I hope dearly that you and your family have all the support that you need and deserve. I’m so sad for you but hope that Vernon is peaceful and with his peace comes yours. Stef xxxx
We don’t know each other personally but I am shedding tears for you and your family now. I have been following your journey for some time, have enjoyed the beautiful times you’ve shared with all of us from the music, artwork, photos and words, and have learned so much from all of the difficult times as well. No words seem right right now, but I hope you can all find peace and comfort with Vernon and others in the coming days.
Precious Allison–I am so thankful that God, in His wisdom and mercy has made this decision for you. I have a feeling that you are simply taking orders from the King about His prince. We are lifting your family up and praying for everything–just EVERY good thing that the Lord has to give. We will be with you in our hearts as you walk through the next few days. Love you so much!
Dear brave Allison, “superimposed”…so profound. I kept saying “wow” as I read your post… you and family will be in my prayers. Wondering though, about Justine being able to say goodbye to her daddy…I could be way off base but, it seems an important thing to do, difficult but important rite of passage…
The way with which you have expressed yourself throughout this journey has been a window into a lovely soul, a loving family. Thank you for sharing so much of your beautiful self, Allison. I can only wish to have your strength, patience and compassion. Hugs from David, Olivia and me.
So incredibly sorry. Words feel insignificant.
Praying you, Vernon and the kids feel God’s true comfort and HIS GREAT LOVE.
And I believe beyond all doubt, we will all be on the other side, free of pain and sadness, together forever.
I love you Vernon and Allison
Praying for your sweet family, Allison. So thankful for the example you have set in standing by your man. May God bless you and give comfort.
You and Vernon have run this race and done it well! My heart goes out to you and your family. Praying for Maki and Justine! Love you dear Sister.
Allison, I already wrote to you – but wanted to say, if anyone asks you how long you and Vernon were married, you can answer “10 years” cuz that’s alot more accurate that 9 years. Again – our prayers have been with you all day today.
You don’t know me but I am a sister in Christ. I pray that The Lord Jesus comfort you as only He can.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit”
Psalm 34:18
Oh, my heart both aches with you. I have been so blessed as I’ve followed Vernon’s story from the early days of the accident. Grateful that you have allowed us a window into your struggles. May God give you an overwhelming peace in the days and months to come.
Allison, as the tears flow, we want you to know that you are being lifted up in prayer. We pray that the Lord gives Vernon a smooth transition. No more pain, sorry, or tears. We pray that God surrounds your family with the peace that passes all understanding. May the memories of “healthy” Vernon abound in the lives of his children and you. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of this journey. We are honored.
P.S. If you and the kids needs a place to “get away”, please, just say the word…
DearAllison- God bless you and Vernon and for your most compassionate decision. Thank you for all of your beautiful messages.Superimposed is an amazing explanation.
A race well run. Words cannot express the impact your journey has had on my life.
This is just like what I wanted to say, Marilyn, if I’d been able to think clearly amidst all the tears/heartache since reading today’s post. Thank you immensely for it, and Allison, for sharing this exquisitely intimate experience you’ve been living that has been superimposed onto all of us.
God’s blessings as you end this journey. You have made Vernon’s limited life since his accident so awesome with lots of love and compassion. I’ve followed thru your posts and know God has heard all the many prayers. May all your beautiful memories help ease any pain.
Allison, you are an inspiration to many even when you don’t feel like you are or on the days when you find it hard to keep going. Thank you for being so real in all of this. And I want to say that you can say you were married 10 years, because if it were in your hands, you absolutely WOULD have been…you never called it quits on this relationship, which is more than I can say for others who end marriages with far less challenges. Praying for the hearts of your sweet little ones, that God would shelter them from any bitterness or any doubt of His love for them. Praying for you that the actual letting go will be graceful, as you have been throughout this trial. Xo
Ali I love you and I’m so so sorry that this is the path you and Vernon had to take. He loves you and will continue to love you. I’m sad and heartbroken with you. Hard hard road you have traveled. I love you
Dear Allison,
I have not met you or Vernon, but have been following your journey through Facebook. My prayers are with you and your family! God Bless you all through this more than difficult time!
Kayleen Glynn Schwartzenburg
Dear Allison,
We have never met Vernon but have learned to love the all of you by what you are all going thru. We may never know why he did not die at the accident but God had a purpose for Vernon to live this much longer. I cry as I think of Justine and Maki losing their Dad and you your love of a life time. There is one of the ladies who I gave your address and her husband is not able to go with her and she is a sweet lady.
You and the family will be in our prayers for a long time. God bless you as you go thru this Vernon. We love you and your family.
Hugs,
Becky and Bill Jones
Love you dear brave Allison, and sending prayers and love to my old art school mate Vernon and to you and your little family, xx merran xx
Presence is better during grief, but all some of us can do right now is offer words. May you be sustained by His presence along with family and friends (Joe and the Logies especially come to mind). Joy comes in the morning……
I am so sorry, Allison. There is great significance in all you have endured…and especially in Vernon’s life. God’s love encircling all of you – giving peace. 💕
Dear Allison, I have been following your blog for a while now. I have felt your pain. Whenever I think about the death of a loved one, mine or someone else’s, I am reminded of this poem by Mary Oliver. I hope it brings you some comfort.
Long Afternoon at the Edge of Little Sister Pond
By Mary Oliver
As for life,
I’m humbled,
I’m without words
sufficient to say
how it has been hard as flint,
and soft as a spring pond,
both of these
and over and over,
and long pale afternoons besides,
and so many mysteries
beautiful as eggs in a nest,
still unhatched
though warm and watched over
by something I have never seen–
a tree angel, perhaps,
or a ghost of loneliness.
Every day I walk out into the world
to be dazzled, then to be reflective.
It suffices, it is all comfort–
along with human love,
dog love, water love, little-serpent love,
sunburst love, or love for that smallest of birds
flying among the scarlet flowers.
There is hardly time to think about
stopping, and lying down at last
to the long afterlife, to the tenderness
yet to come, when
time will brim over the singular pond, and become forever,
and we will pretend to melt away into the leaves.
As for death,
I can’t wait to be the hummingbird,
can you?
Dear Allison,
I came across your blog when a mutual friend liked one of your pictures of Vernon and I was immediately struck by the physical resemblance to my father, who spent the latter part of his life living with MS. Their stories are very different but so much of what you share resonates deeply, particularly when talking about his relationship with your daughter.
There isn’t really a way to describe how your words have moved me over the past year, and probably now isn’t the time but I wanted to reach out and say something, to offer my prayers for you, Vernon and all your family at this precious, precious time.
Today marks six years since my father passed. Tonight, when we raised a glass to celebrate his life, we raised a glass for Vernon too.
Much love, Christina
Xx
im so sorry about your loss….but I’m so glad that this story resonated with you. I’ll raise a virtual glass to your dad too…I’m sure he adored his daughter at least as much as Vernon loves his.