“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” Helen Keller
I haven’t the heart to weigh myself at the moment, but I’m sure I’ve put on a few pounds since Vernon left us. Really? More side effects? This is not making me feel great right now. I wore a pair of old exercise pants, that Vernon bought me eons ago, to my class this morning. Not only did they feel tight, but I could tell in the studio mirrors that I look a little more hippy. I think. I can’t remember what I used to look like. Does one look different in a mirror when they are in mourning? Or is it just my eyes? I know I feel lumpy and uncomfortable. There have recently been a few extra ice cream cravings that I may or may not have succumbed to. Cake or Death? I’ll have the cake, please.
I kept looking in the mirror. No, I’ve definitely gained weight, I decided. But my outfit and my ponytail are kind of cute! Vernon would have liked this look…he even bought me the pants. In fact, I realized as my attitude shifted, Vernon always liked me no matter what my body was doing: shifting, aging. At least that’s what he said. I guess I’ll still believe him.
So I smiled at my reflection, got through my class, and when home, I put on a new lipstick and changed into a loud top and (still-ill-fitting) trousers. I put on big earrings and fancy shoes and went to pick up the kids from school, feeling somewhat glamorous for no real reason…except that I remembered Vernon thought I was beautiful no matter what. It’s nice to know his love is still in my heart, and it is still strong enough to boost my self-esteem even after he is gone.
Thanks for being such a great guy, Vernon. Thanks for adoring me, it still builds me up and changes me for the good. I love you, too.
Now, who’s got any cake?
Glamourous: Me as Adam Ant and Vernon as Andy Warhol at a fancy dress party in Reading, England 2007.
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I knew that was Adam Ant! I’m a big fan. Eat the cake and enjoy every bite 🎂. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts and positivity.
<3
Vernon told me once, that he liked that
you wear Red lipstick!! You are correct, he
loved EVERYTHING about you!!
the love in our hearts always stays (I still say good morning to Jim a lot, and kiss the glass frame his huge picture is in, …….on and on I could go. It is wonderful to have been adored, like you say. ……I remember asking Jim if he liked my new dress, to which he would always reply “its not the dress, it’s the woman in the dress”…..or “if it were a potato sack, you would still look good”. …..you’ve got some beautiful memories, and I love reading about them. blessings to you….
Crying happy/sad tears. You are beautiful and How wonderful you Can hear Vernon complementing you in your head! I love that…
The dress up picture is stellar! You’re even beautiful as Adam Ant!
xo
You make an awesome Adam Ant! I recognized it right away, too!
Yes, be so kind to yourself about any extra weight you might be gaining. It’s okay. We all need things that make us feel better, and food can be like a soothing balm sometimes. That’s why they call it *comfort food*, right? 🙂 You can take any extra weight back off again if you choose to when the time is right.
Thank you for all of your posts. They (and you) give me insight and inspiration every day.