“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” Helen Keller

I haven’t the heart to weigh myself at the moment, but I’m sure I’ve put on a few pounds since Vernon left us. Really? More side effects? This is not making me feel great right now. I wore a pair of old exercise pants, that Vernon bought me eons ago, to my class this morning. Not only did they feel tight, but I could tell in the studio mirrors that I look a little more hippy. I think. I can’t remember what I used to look like. Does one look different in a mirror when they are in mourning? Or is it just my eyes? I know I feel lumpy and uncomfortable. There have recently been a few extra ice cream cravings that I may or may not have succumbed to. Cake or Death? I’ll have the cake, please.

I kept looking in the mirror. No, I’ve definitely gained weight, I decided. But my outfit and my ponytail are kind of cute!  Vernon would have liked this look…he even bought me the pants. In fact, I realized as my attitude shifted, Vernon always liked me no matter what my body was doing: shifting, aging. At least that’s what he said. I guess I’ll still believe him.

So I smiled at my reflection, got through my class, and when home, I put on a new lipstick and changed into a loud top and (still-ill-fitting) trousers. I put on big earrings and fancy shoes and went to pick up the kids from school, feeling somewhat glamorous for no real reason…except that I remembered Vernon thought I was beautiful no matter what.   It’s nice to know his love is still in my heart, and it is still strong enough to boost my self-esteem even after he is gone.

Thanks for being such a great guy, Vernon. Thanks for adoring me, it still builds me up and changes me for the good. I love you, too.

Now, who’s got any cake?

Glamourous: Me as Adam Ant and Vernon as Andy Warhol at a fancy dress party in Reading, England 2007.