Over the past couple of weeks, as we approached the end of Vernon’s life, I kept thinking about the Ocean. Lets think of it the un-earthy world that it is—something vast and strange and powerful, the home to fantastic creatures without lungs. The final frontier. A place that humans enjoy playing on the edges and on the surface of. But though we are 60% water ourselves, and being near the sea calms us (as deep calls to deep and liquid calls to liquid) we can only dip our toes and bodies in the waves or sail around on boats. We are attracted to it, we marvel at it, but don’t belong in it. We don’t have gills. Even the best swimmers still need oxygen to survive.
From the beginning of Vernon’s last visit to Hoag a few weeks ago, it felt like we were getting glimpses of heaven, getting closer to the edge of this other world beyond. I imagined the ocean. It felt at first like coming into a coastal area from inland: suddenly there is a marine mist in the air, your skin feels a bit different, and if the wind is right, you can smell the saltwater. As you get closer, you noticed people around you look a little different: they are tan and wear flip flops. You see surfboards on roof racks. You notice local cottages are decorated with gifts of the sea: driftwood, old fishing nets, shells, starfish. As you get to the beach itself, the water is startling cold and frightening…your nerves react to the saltwater sting, you can’t jump in, you can only flirt with the foam as it dances back and forth on the sand. The waves are too loud sometimes, and the color changes to something darker, not the idyllic jeweled blue and green it seemed from a distance. Close up, it looks a lot more endless than it did before.
In Vernon’s hospice season, it began to feel as if we were pushing him out on a boat that just wouldn’t leave the shore, but kept coming back with every wave. We stuck with him, surrounding him with support, getting wet ourselves, sputtering at times, exhausting our strength.
I remembered the painting Vernon did a few months back.
But finally he got it, and it wasn’t a boat that took him out. After a week of changing breath patterns, he learned how to un-breathe at last, and he was ready for this vast and magical new environment as someone who could survive there. He stopped breathing, the color drained from his face in seconds. It was not dramatic but peaceful. And I was there to see it happen in a moment. All that time and then a moment. One last gentle puff of air.
Vernon passed away at 8.50pm on Wednesday, August 24.
Finally, he is…sans oxygen.
1.2K
So much love to you. So much.
I was still thinking about the beautiful words and thoughts you wrote when I glanced up at a message board on my desk. It says simply “Journey” and I bought it to remind myself of just that. Now I wonder if everything is a separate journey in and of itself, to prepare us for the next one. Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of your master.
Allison,
Such a beautiful tribute to Vernon. You completed your task well — as did he.
“The water is wide,
I can’t cross over,
And neither have I wings to fly.
Build me a boat
That can carry two
And both shall row, my love and I.”
I have no words to express my feelings right now, Allison. You and your family are a huge inspiration for me, and I’m sure Vernon is now smiling wherever he is, full with your love. So are we all.
Sending you a huge hug and ❤️
All our love to you and your family. For peaceful endings and new beginnings. For joy and sadness in the journey home.
Alison, this is Sara Mellor your moms cousin, I have followed your blog and am so inspired by your beautiful writing. The way you have woven your way through the last 2 1/2 yrs is amazing, you are so strong and insightful, I know your faith has brought you thru this and will keep you strong in this new chapter of your life. God Bless you and the kids, you’re all in my prayers.
Sending you love and hugs – now peace and rest. Thinking of you and your family xxx
Wow Allison, Im not sure what to say as you have shared the most amazing words, descriptions, songs, feelings, stories, art and love about your beloved Vernon im these past years. I wish I was there to hug you. His legacy is large & vibrant for sure and you and the children will keep his light bright on this earth💜 Rest & breathe. He is peaceful. XO
Such powerful words.
Rest in peace, Vernon.
Incredibly beautiful “picture” of Vernon’s journey to the depths without oxygen. Don’t know what else to say, but humbled to be part of your journey, even from a distance. Much love and peace to you and yours dear one.
You have brought tender, descriptive beautiful poetry to the life and passing of Vernon. This day is filled with sighs for us Logies. Our hearts ache and rejoice. We love you.
Prayerfully, asking JUSUS to HOLD YOU ALL CLOSE – knowing FULL WELL IT IS WELL for VERNON!! 🙏🏻💜
I keep saying over and over again “Wow. Wow”. So perfectly and beautifully said. Thank you Allison
My deepest and most sincere condolences to you and your family. xxx
Insightful as ever Allison. Holding you all close across the ocean. With love xx
Oh my.
I have followed this heartfelt journal since Vanessa first spoke about Vernon and his accident. I am so in awe of your strength and love. Your’s Maki’s, Justine’s and Vernons. You are all in my heart tonight and tomorrow and for many more days. May you find comfort in your heart as it hurts. may you see many pigeons and butterflies and signs that you are watched over by your most beautiful Angel.
love & light x
So sorry to hear this – Vernon will always be remembered on this day as my dad went exactly one week after my birthday on the 24th August 2007. Your blog has affected me, and especially Tucci so deeply. We wished we could have come and visited at some point however life sometimes doesn’t work out that way. We send you all our love and support, and know you are very close to our hearts… Lots of love, Serine (and Tucci)
Love from the Newtons 3 xxx
May God continue to give you peace and wisdom as you mourn and celebrate Vernon’s passing into heaven. Our prayers continue for you and the kids.
my thoughts have been and will continue to be with you and your family. xoxo-michelle
I love you all dearly, so blessed to have you as part of my journey and to share yours.
We love you, Allison.
To God be the glory great things HE has done–in and through you and Vernon! What a beautiful way to share Vernon’s passage from life to life. We rejoice that Vernon is safely home in the arms of Jesus. We rejoice that Jesus is in you and walks with you every moment as you continue to glorify Him now. Thank you for letting us be a part of the prayer family through your sharing so intimately.
Sending my love, no words that I can say are adequate.
You have honored Vernon well, Allison. Praying for comfort for you and your family in the days to come.
Oh how we love you!💕
Our hearts and prayers are with you all.
I will always remember the day I went and sat with Vernon while he had dialysis. We had a nice visit talking. I asked him all about him and then he asked me about me. I certainly have been praying for him and all of you. May you focus on Jesus to get you through the tough times.
I smile when I think of the possibility of Terry being one of his greeters in Heaven…Loves and hugs, Candy
I read your post , almost holding my breath, waiting for you to write that Vernon’s journey from this world to the next has begun. I don’t think you could have written more beautifully if you’d tried. Sending so much love to you and your family. Stef xxx
Allison,
You have shared so much ad now Vernon is in Heaven. Know it will hard getting thru the next few days but God is with you and Justine and Maki as Vernon enjoys his 1st day in heaven.
Hugs to all,
Becky and Bill
Oh, sweet Allison, you have written so beautifully once again, sharing such intimate thoughts. Praying for strength and peace in the days ahead. Sending my deepest sympathy and love. Hugs from Wyoming.
RIP Vernon.
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers
So much love and respect to each of you. I don’t have words, just a desire to hug you. Thank you for trusting us with all the vulnerability and love you’ve shared through every moment. Xo
Alison I have read and re-read your posts. We have met but once many years ago. I think you are an angel in disguise, you teach us all about unconditional, faithful, immense love. God knew why you and Vernon were meant for each other and what an impact your lives would have on so many. May there be a great peace over you and your precious family.
I’ve stumbled across your page via a friend but have been drawn in. You are truly inspirational. I am so sorry for your loss but happy that Vernon is no longer suffering. I hope you and your family can find peace. Sending love. Xxx
I am so sad and sorry, it will take a lot getting used to this, Vernon has been so present for the last years, because of his huge fight and suffering and also through you and the blog as well. What a beautiful ending! Sending my love to you all
You’ve inspired us all to become better people. Through your candor, your love, your playfulness, your flexibility, your peace, your fervor and your truth. Thankyou sweet Alison. May your love find the rest he so longed for.
Prayers for you and the children as you navigate new waters.
Lots of love Allison. Your words throughout this have touched me and Samantha, and we are better for it. Thank you.
Thinking of you and your family.
Allison, Your faithfulness as Vernon’s wife, friend, caretaker, supporter, encourager and poet has been amazing. Somewhere I saw the words “The End and The Beginning”. Both are so appropriate. The hardest part of this transition for you will now be the huge void of not having Vernon to care for. All of the focus, emotion, endurance, care and love so willingly and lavishly poured out will leave a lot of empty space in your life. In many ways, it’s going to be a boat trip for you as well, as you push off into new unchartered waters; mysterious and vast and strange and powerful. You have an incredible group of supporters, continue to rely on them and find those that will help you most to wrestle in/with the emotions of these new waters. Love — Jim
I like this, Jim, thinking of Allison now on another journey. Our prayers and many thots are with you, Allison, especially the next few weeks and months. as you grieve together with family. Love to you.
Sweet Allison, always save all your words and all our words about this journey for the children. And Allison you have written words that only one person could write about someone they loved so deeply as the ocean. And not to become rich, Allison, write your words to go into a book for those who mourn with you can return to the journey again and again. You made this journey one of beauty!
And Allison, I am in the beautiful state of Georgia, in Savannah.
Right by the ocean. To meet you someday would be a pleasure – a huge honor.
Thank you for letting us know, Allison. Love and prayers. I hope you can rest as you enter this new phase of grieving, whatever it will look like.
This is so beautiful and you are so beautiful. I feel so honored and enriched to have been able to read and feel the words of your amazing heart throughout this journey. You have given so much to so many and you will never know every impact, but I assure you all of our oxygen filled lives are extraordinarily improved by your grace to share. May God comfort you beneath His wings as you soar above the awesome ocean…
Love,
Dawn Rey
(Lynae Baileys lil sis)
On this day of both departure and home-coming, huge love your way, dear Allison, from the Huies.
Allison – You don’t know me although we met briefly once. I have followed your family story with a range of emotions, but mostly a sense of love and peace and comfort that God was holding you all through this. Your vulnerability has been such a testimony to real love and care, trust, and a walking-it-out-faithfulness. Thank you for sharing so transparently. It has ministered to so many of us, I know. God’s peace and blessing to you and Make and Justine in the days ahead.
Sweet Allison—you have loved Vernon so well and finished so well! You have been an incredible witness to all of us following your journey with Vernon, Justine and Maki. May God hold your heart ever so close. I love you—Kat
We’ve never met, I was a art student of your father. I have followed your journey since the beginning. Your strength, love and devotion are examples to all of us. May the Lord continue to bless you and your beautiful children as you celebrate and remember. I will continue to pray for you as a sister in Christ. Please continue to write, you have a gift. Whatever you write- keep writing. Much love and respect to you.
Allison – we don’t know each other, but I’ve been following your family’s journey since I stumbled across your Instagram page through a friend a year or so ago – I just wanted to reach out and say that your beautiful posts have truly touched me. I’m sending love and strength to you and your family, and I hope so deeply that Vernon has finally found his peace. You’re an exceptional lady, and you’ll be in my thoughts. Hugs, from across the pond in England. xox
He finally jumped into the ocean where the overwhelming energy of the unknown life took his breath away…the bottom of the ocean is my happy place. So much love to you my friend
Love this! Yay,Vernon!
Allison, your cousin Lisa Allison Albert has shared your story with me. I’ve been enriched immeasurably by your grace, love and strength, as I’m sure many have.
Although you don’t know me, I am praying for you and your kids to have continued strength and peace through the next phase of the loss of Vernon.
Our prayers continue for you, dear allison,and the children. Vernon doesn’t need them anymore! What a
loving,wise woman you are. Blessings and love, cheryl
You are touching so many with your life story Allison. Here’s to Vernon becoming “heavenly” and to love.
Sending you lots of love and light.
I hope you write a book from your blog posts and your experiences. So beautiful. So touching. Full of grace and faith.
You are an incredible woman. Your words reflect this, beautifully. I’m sending prayers and light to you and your family. xo
With deepest sympathy and prayers for you, Justine, and Maki. May God continue to give you the grace and joy you have reflected in this journey. Thanking God too that Vernon is now in his perfect and glorified body .
What a gorgeous, glorious goodbye. We will all be learning how to un-breathe some day. May we find ourselves amidst as much love, faith and encouragement as you, your family, and friends have provided Vernon. Your willingness and ability to share your process with us all is an inspiration to me forevermore, Allison.
You have blessed so many with your writing Allison- I would urge you to continue to write. You and Vernon will now be a new journeys, and I can’t express how deeply blessed I have felt reading your words these past years. Your ability and vulnerability to express are a gift. You are loved and your love of Vernon is not earth bound. All my love and prayers…
Oh Allison- I am so moved by you. Thank you for sharing your heart so openly with all of us. You are so loved my friend. Praying gods peace and covering over you and your children. May you find refuge under the shelter of his wings. I was about to send you a text last night to tell you that I’ve been seeking out Justine at school every morning and at lunch to give her a love. She told me yesterday at lunch “you know my daddy is dying” very matter of fact. She seemed at peace with it. She also told me about the butterfly. You are doing an amazing job helping her deal with this. I am always here if you need anything. Love you!
Allison my heart goes out to you and your family who are feeling the loss of such a beautiful brave soul. I know he is with you in spirit.
Your oxygen/ocean analogy is beautiful. Thank you for being so honest and open. You have shown such grace and selflessness in your darkest hours, what a testament to the love between you both.
Peace be with you Vernon. Amen.Om.Namaste.
I am so sorry for the loss you and your family are going through.
Allison, I only met you once, about nine months ago through son Paul and daughter-in-law Alicia Jackson. Your tender heart touched me so much that I have been following your blog and praying for you and your family since that time.
I never met Vernon, but I feel I know him through your words, his drawings, videos (before and after), and all of the wonderful photos. Thank you for sharing Vernon with the rest of us. With much love,
Allison, dear,
We send our love and prayers,
Sara and Frank Morello
you’ve shared so much – it is as though I really know you – all of you because of the beautiful, honest reflections on sans oxygen. But I cannot possibly really know the depth of your pain and loss – I can only send heart felt prayers for peace and healing. May you all feel God’s closeness and gentleness in the days ahead, and the comfort of knowing Vernon is in a glorious realm.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you, Justine and Maki.You’ve put into words feelings that are so difficult to express.You’ve blessed us all in sharing this time.May God continue to give you strength.
hannah brown spoke such beautiful words… always know in your heart you could not have been a more loving, patient, supportive wife when he needed it most. love and hugs to you all.
Our condolences to you and the kids. Praying that you have time to grieve and take time for yourself. Jim Glynns words were so well written and true. I’m here for you guys anytime,
Dear Allison, My deepest condolences to you and your family are offered. You have been such and inspiration to many throughout this entire journey that you rode with Vernon since his accident. The time you took to express your thoughts and feeling is so appreciated. May God comfort you in the deepest places as only He can do and continue to give you the means to express yourself as you travel on this next leg of your journey. Many prayers, hugs, and love to you.
Oh Alison,
I don’t know what to say.
Want to let you know every one At Hoag hospital asking how you doing. All doctors,nurses and us Case manger been thinking of you and praying for strength and grace for you. You and I had our own special time together every time you and Vernon come. I will miss that. Love you very much.
Wishing you so much love to buoy you and comfort you
Our prayers are with you, Maki, Justine and your family. We all know how much you loved Vernon from beginning to the end. Anyone who read your wonderful posts knew that and I read them all. My heart breaks for you. Continued prayers for this new journey you are now on. The Lord will be by your side all the way. Love you lots! ❤️
Dear Alison, you walked such a brave road with your beloved. You have touched every heart and here’s trusting your heart will be touched by the surrounding love, to embrace the magical memories that have changed us all. Thank you again for letting us into your cage of courageous privacy and lot so well displayed.
Multitudes of emotions and thoughts emerge, embrace and entertain them all. My heart is with you!
Allison, you may remember that I shared this poem at the graveside of my mom, your grandma. I thought of it again when reading your exquisite words speaking of the terrifying mystery of death being understood in the metaphor of the ocean.
HERE SHE COMES!
by Steve Moore
This poem surely has a practical usefulness, for it expresses in just a few lines both the beauty and the theology of what the Bible teaches regarding what happens to a child of God after he dies. Well, maybe it’s not entirely accurate, in that an ocean voyage can take a long time, while the phrase, “Absent from the body, present with the Lord” (II Corinthians 5:8) gives the indication that it’s a pretty quick trip. And Jesus confirms that when He whispers to the dying but believing thief on the cross next to his, “THIS DAY you shall be with Me in paradise” (Luke 23:43). It’s a beautiful story, but it would be less than helpful, even deceptive, cruel, and harmful to the soul, were it not rooted in the sure promises of God.
Here I stand upon the seashore
Sobbing softly in my grief.
Will again I see my loved one?
Only that would bring relief.
But look now, a ship appears
And spreads white sails to morning breeze.
She marks her course for open ocean –
A sight to calm my great unease.
I stand transfixed, and lost in wonder,
As her beauty I behold,
But then she fades in the horizon –
My eyes no more her form can hold.
“She’s gone,” a stranger whispers softly.
“Where? Gone where?” I brashly call.
“Gone from us who stand here watching,
Gone from vision – that is all.
But think, now, for you must know:
The ship’s no smaller than before;
No less real, though we can’t see her,
From this lonely, distant shore.
She’s just as true and large as when
We saw her last, you must concur.
The smaller size, then loss of sight
Must be in us, and not in her.
And at the very moment when
We say, ‘She’s gone!’ – There looking out
On that far shore are friendly voices…
‘Here she comes!’ is their glad shout!”
Papa Steve, you’re another one of those Moores that is gifted with words. May you, Hyatt and the ladies be an encouragement to Allison and the kids. We’ll be praying from over here.
Thanks dear cuz in Japan. And it’s so good to look into the hearts of those willing to reveal them through their sharings with our Allison and all of us in her “tribe.” We’re connected, not so much by human blood, as by the blood of the One who defeated death, and paved — and paid for — the way for us to follow in His train, where we’ll see Him, and our Vernon, someday, face to face.
Such beautiful words as always god bless Vernon on his journey rest in peace xxx
What a sad day.
In my own way, you and Vernon have been my daily companions for these years through your writing and sharing and photos. Really the first thing every morning is to check for your posting. I’m sad this morning even though we all understood it was time. You are truly an amazing wife and mother. Allison, you are a hero in my eyes. I wish I could see Vernon now, face to face with Jesus. Im imagining his response.. A classic Vernon response. It was a pleasure to have known him. I thank God for you both. All our love and prayers, Janet Piorek
It seems we are connected by salt. Blood and tears — both salty. Forever family related by His blood. A blog family related by tears. So many tears. Does God weep for the damage done to His creation? If so, maybe that’s why the sea is salty. No more tears in Heaven. No more sea when God re-makes this earth. Maybe there’s a connection. Thank you, Lord for connecting us. Thank you, Allison, for generously sharing with us. In Charlie Brown’s words, I wish you “Good grief!” More tears……
We’ll continue to pray for you, Allison, and the rest of the family. May the Lord Jesus guide you through this chapter of life. Thank you for sharing so many wonderful insights on the blog. I wish I had had the privilege of meeting Vernon. I look forward to the opportunity when we meet in Heaven. God speed!
We don’t need to pray for Vernon any more, he is safe in the arms of Jesus. Prayers for you and your family and all who loved Vernon.
Allison and kids Just read the blog this morning and so blessed Vernon is finally in his heavenly home in his heavenly body where he has been headed for awhile now. Here is the end of a poem you wrote in 2002: “And when the last is satisfied, Each memory embraced, My heart will be opened up, Trusting and finally knowing, Every answer from now on will be yes and Amen. So beautiful Allison. We are praying and sending you Big warm hugs, Love, Joe and Nancy
I’ts been a long journey for you and Vernon. We know that the love and support from all those around you will help you move on with your new life.
Much love,
Kathy and Dave W.
I have no words. Having been away for the past few months (and for some reason, anything from here goes into my spam folder and I don’t always remember to check it), I have only caught up with the blog today and I am so sad. Allison, you have done him proud; he couldn’t have wished for a better person to end his days with. Thank you so much for writing this blog and for being with him. May God bless the two of you and Maki and Justine as you face the next few days and the future. Thank God Vern found Him, or maybe God found Vernon – we sorrow not as those who have no hope. Love to you, Vern, Maki and Justine
Ruth Glover
It has been said that marriage is a commitment to watch the person you love die, which is a rather grim sentiment for newlyweds, and most marrieds, most of the time. Thank you for meeting the challenge with grace, and sharing. I will remember.
Tim and I are so sorry to hear about Vernon’s passing. This is of course quite close to us since Vernon’s accident was just weeks before Tim’s, and we’ve been following along via this blog ever since. You’re an incredibly strong person and I personally am grateful to have met you at Mission Hospital on one of the toughest days of my life. The future seemed particularly murky then…and I’m glad to know that Vernon is now at complete peace.
….the image of the boat and pushing it out to sea and it coming back-I could almost feel the anxiety of the back and forth… And for you to be there as Vernon broke through….
All the pictures you painted with your loving insightful words-made us all feel like we were with you.
And we weren’t -none of us could really BE there, in the real trenches in the hot burning pain you’ve experienced.
And I hate that we can’t hold “it” the pain and greef and loss for a while and give you a real break… From the tourture of initial loss.
If there comes a time you have a need or just want someone to walk with or watch TV with
I am here if my hands or heart can help in ANY WAY.
I’m honored to have called Vernon friend. I love You, Justine and Maki so much! So very much. Im truly praying for you all to experience more comfort and Love from God than you have ever known. xoxo
thank you, friend. xoxo
RIP Vernon.
My deepest condolences, and respect, to you Alison, the kids, family and friends.
I have very fond memories of Vernon in the Typography Department at the University of Reading. He will be missed.
thank you so much. 🙂
Dear Allison and family,
We have been following your posts since the beginning. It has been an incredible blessing. I am so touched by your writing, and even now, having just read the last entry on Vernon’s death, I am very moved. We are so sorry for all that you have been through, but on the other hand, it has born fruit in you and your kids, in all who have been with you through the process. I feel like we have all profited from a grievous adventure. It is a shadow of what we will all go through at our earthly end. Thank you so much for sharing all of this with us. Our prayers are with you.
Allison, I regret that I found about this blog and your journey only now as I would have sent greetings and hugs much earlier. Still trying to process it. He was a great classmate to have. Quiet and always thinking differently. My condolences to you and the family. From Reading. May he rest in peace.
Allison, so much of your love, time, and care has been given and deposited to the care of your dear husband,Vernon…In the days to come may there be MORE deposits of the heavenly kind made to your account to keep you, to strengthen you, and to hold you ever so near the Father’s heart of peace and love. We will remember Vernon Adams because of you,Allison! Asking Father to give you, Maki & Justine more experiences with Him that fill you up. <3 Sent with our love and prayers
Dearest Allison. My heart breaks for you, for Maki and Justine. How rich a blessing Vernon was to this life, to us that new him a little and to you as a family that new him intimately. I remember how he always played devils advocate, he always wanted to be fair – some found it controversial, others appreciated how rare and special his gift was. His love for you and your love and care for him both in sickness and in health is testimony to your beautiful heart and the amazing anointing on your life. I don’t know how many lives you touched with your words and your intimate sharing but you definitely inspired, humbled and blessed me on so many occasions. Love you lots xxxx