The shape you left in us.
As I looked around at the group of sixteen, circled in the shadow of giant rocks, a makeshift family of friends who had reconvened to release the ashes, I could almost see the shape of Vernon in our midst. I’d put most of the ashes in a beautiful clay vase our friend Jeff had made, and it stood alone on the ground, in the middle of the group. Someone began to spontaneously share some memories of our dear departed, and as our eyes began to fill up with emotion, it seemed to me the little urn was standing at such a jaunty angle it could have been listening. A picture of Vernon washed over me…he was laying back on his final hospital bed, basking in the company and music, one eyebrow cocked, purely focused on on every face there, dawning to the same truth we all were becoming aware of: that this was a sacred time.
Here we were, gathered again, almost three months later. We’ve joined up many times since he died, but this was the most sacred, intentional. This half hour of scattering the ashes was set apart to honor Vernon out of a weekend spent climbing, eating, playing, watching sunrises and sunsets, chasing little children, exploring, eating, drinking, sitting by the fire, enjoying music and each other’s company. As we stood in a lopsided circle, I could imagine his presence there again, as if he took on the shape of the space inside our circle. Some of us in the group knew him longer than others. Most knew him before the accident, but then, perhaps not that well. Some met him afterward, and never knew him in his previous mental state. But all of us loved him, stuck by him, were greatly affected by his struggle to live for so long when he should have died on the street that night. All of us came to be more compassionate, humbled people because of the way he was. Our hearts were broken but will surely be stronger for the scar tissue. We cannot separate who we are now from our love for him. So we come together to renew that shape, whether we talk about him or not. We plug in and remember him…and honor what we’ve become.
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You’re amazing
In response to your comment that, “he should have died on the street that night,”…I often reflect on the journey of hope & despair, letting go and saying good bye that you and your family have been on since Vernon’s accident; painful and impossibly difficult, then and now, but a gift.
Thank you for sharing each precious and profound moment.
Allison,
So good and especially Little Justine and Maki. So sacred. May God be with all of you and He is always there.
Becky
And I feel he’ll always be with us. His spirit changed us all for the better. He was and will always be such a precious gift to me. A sweet friend, loving father and wonderful husband to dear Ali. Miss you Vernon. Thank you for the shape of love filled with gratitude and wonder that you left with us.
All of us who read your blog have been changed for the better by you and Vernon and your story.
I guess Maki and Justine would not be without Vernon. This was a special song with Vernon’s two children paticipating.
So beautiful, Allison, and a precious memory to help with the sadness, with the “sting” of death. I didn’t really know Vernon, but happy I know him even a little from your writings and photos. You and your children are often on my heart and in my prayers.
Love you!
God only knows.. Blessings to you and Gods loving embrace that you have allowed all of us who have followed your journey to share.
“The Shape You Left in Us”….what a beautiful title for this blog. SO ABSOLUTELY PERFECT! It’s an amazing tribute and insight of the man, husband, father and friend to those of us who never met Vernon in person. And Allison your ability to express yourself in the way that you do is, again I use the word, brilliant. Your talent is monumental in so many ways…..artist, writer, poet, photographer, mom, etc. etc. etc. My thoughts, heart and prayers are with you and your family presently, as they have been in the past two or more years, and will be in the future. May you continue to be blessed by all the goodness you possess and share with the universe. Your growth from all that has occurred in your life, especially during Vernon’s hospitalization, is remarkable. Keep it all up….
Beautiful Allison. Just beautiful and so heart warming to see Justine (with perfect pitch) and Maki participating in this tribute to dear Vernon. I only met him that one time on Mother’s Day, but it was so obvious to see his love for you and his children. God only knows that having had Vernon in your life has left you all better people with memories and your wonderful photos and sansoxygen blog that has allowed us to be a part of the amazing journey.