Still actively pursuing an organized household, I finally got down to a box of old paper files in the garage. It’s not where I thought I’d put them, but in it, I discovered a large plastic envelope filled with letters Vernon and I had written to each other in the early days. Sweet relief and gratitude flooded over! I had looked everywhere I could imagine they’d bee and for months, I’ve had this low grade ache that I might have lost them in a move…forever.  My mother assured me they were somewhere in my possession and I’d find them eventually. I took that to mean “when the time was right” and I would remind myself of that whenever I’d get sad about their loss. But these were really the only things I cared about finding. Anyway, it seems the right time finally happened. Hallelujah!

So many good things in there. So many good feelings attached. I brought the envelope in to Vernon this morning. Remember, Vernon and I started out in a very long distance relationship, there was a lot of communicating through the internet and phone, and every once in awhile he’d send a long letter, penned out in teeny tiny print. Treasures. Maybe we put a lot more into those because of the distance, who knows? They certainly meant a lot.

I read a few to Vernon today, who was absolutely amazed that he had written all those things.  He seemed to marvel at the voice of his younger self, that sharper brain, all the courage and the dreaminess to boot. I think perhaps we have a glimpse of our best selves are when we are in love, especially in the beginning. Not always our wisest selves, mind you, but our most confident and sensitive and hopeful and brave. Vernon picked up on this today as he listened to the words from his 39 year old self. He kept saying: “That’s amazing! I wrote that…wow!” I had to write down this quote so I wouldn’t forget it: “Amazing that I was so open to you about marrying you. That was a big chance I took.”

Can a younger self strengthen the older self? I believe it can when the timing is right and one is ready to listen. It happens in psychotherapy all the time! I could tell that his inner self was being strengthened by his own writing, both when he he originally expressed his thoughts in these letters and yesterday, when he heard them again. He spoke of his love for me, a future life in America (we ended up in England instead at the time,) lots about Maki, whom he only saw sometimes back then,  a discovery of Faith, and new career dreams. But mostly he spoke about love. Big bold love.

“Love conquers all; always has always has done and always will. I know in my heart that my love for you is true and in good faith, so I have no fear of the difficulty that some say can lurk and exist. I do not believe in fear, I believe in love. Fear and love cannot be together anymore than light and dark can be together. Fear vanishes in the presence of true love. So I focus on the love I have for you and grows more and more the more I open my heart to you and the possibilities of our love. I open my arms to you and all the challenges that may or may not come our way and I love you and those challenges.

I too am strengthened by his words. His younger self certainly is reaching my older self. But unlike Vernon, I have the gift of remembering.

On a lighter note, here is a bit from one of his early letters. I’m so glad he took the time to write such long, rambling missives. Thank you, younger Vernon, for doing this for me.

A Questionnaire!!! Please fill out the following and I can assess you. 🙂 Be honest tho! Besides, you look and sound great, so I can allow you more than a few discrepancies.

1. You come home to find that I didn’t do the washing up, do you?

a. See a red mist and think I am the laziest person in the world?

b. Think: ‘urgh washing up’— I don’t blame him for not doing it.

c. Not notice that I didn’t wash up.

2. You buy a new item of clothing, how should I react?

a. However I want.

b. Tell you that you look amazing if you really don’t.

c. Kiss you. You know that I know that I love the things you buy.

Hmm..Dumb questionnaire. Ok, I can’t think of more questions.

3. Ahh! I start to ask you a questionnaire, but can only think of 2 lousy questions, do you?

a. Think I am hopeless for starting something and not finishing it?

b. Think ‘what a dumb questionnaire. What a dumb guy’?

c. Think ‘I want to do a questionnaire for Vernon’?

4. I want to marry you. What do you think?

a. He is a nut. Run away!!

b. What shall I wear?

c. Why?

5. Ok, so where shall we live, Allison? Come on…come up with a plan. We should start to plan. Hehe. What shall we do? Seriously, what shall we do?

a. Take it easy, see what happens, see where it goes?

b. Don’t wait, jump into it, nothing to lose?

c. Back off, it’s all just a silly dream?

I am sort of hovering around ‘b’ to be honest. 🙂 But that’s because of my daft romantic nature. I guess, I guess I know, you share a similarly romantic streak.