This has been a surprisingly rough week for me emotionally so I haven’t known what to write. In the state I’ve been in, running fears and feelings over in my mind, I’ve had to come to term with a new place in the journey. I won’t go into detail because I’m not ready to share all that here…I’m still figuring it out on my own. But I am marking this here for my own memory. Traumatic experiences can return as anxiety with unexpected triggers. I am assured this is normal. But it’s still hard when it happens, even with the tools I have at my disposal.
I am also writing a little about Anxiety here because I hear sometimes people look at me as some superwoman, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound (but with children in tow.) Though I’d love to agree, the truth is that I only seem like that because I have no choice in our circumstances. The real me is much more ready to cower her head. Every once in a while that girl comes back for her things—and freaks out over the situation (or parts of it.) I don’t like not having some control, and I’m sure that’s the way it is for most of us, whether we realize we show it or not.
Control is an illusion anyway, right?
The best thing I heard this week (from a friend, who happens to be a psychologist) as I was seeking sense of why I was suddenly panicking is this: “As you go further down the spiral staircase to the source of the pain, you need to be tender with yourself.”
I tucked that one in my pocket and have been returning to touch it for two days.
Sometimes I need permission that I can’t give myself.
Here are some things I found helped me through my unexpected anxiety this week (and moved me back toward a place of feeling safe, calm, and semi-balanced):
Call my mom, have her pray for me (she’s so good at that), go to the beach with Justine, get wet (hello, bathtub temps), bring along camera for instant creative connection, confess my feelings to good, safe friends, read some Psalms (Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me), go to exercise class, pray, see a friend, breathe deeply, take a nap, have glass of wine, talk to therapist, pray some more, go swimming in a pool (I think I need to do this once a week, seriously), dance around living room with Justine, take a walk, go to the movies with Maki, call best friend, blog. (Not necessarily in that order…)
Obviously the way we deal with things is not a one-fits-all recipe. More of an experiment we hope to get right more often than not.
“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” —Soren Kierkegaard
*The picture above was taken during the crazy hot storm we had a few weeks ago. I think Justine looks like a mini-warrior….which she is, of course.
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Dear Allison,
It is to bad to hear you not getting along well. I am so glad that you have a therapist to talk too. So sorry that so much is showing up and that Vern is not getting better soon enough. We love you and you have other people who love you as well. Just hang in there and talk to someone when you get down. So sorry to see this but Vernon has been sick for a long time. I love the Psalm 23 and the part you quoted fits right in were you are at this time. Just hold on to God dear hand and He will carry you thru.
Love,
Becky
Dearest Allison…I am most likely a stranger to you since I don’t think I’ve ever posted to your blog. I am one who has been praying for you and your sweet family since Vernon’s accident. Tonight your Aunt Sue (my most precious friend since she first came to SLO) emailed me your post. After I read it, knowing this past week has been especially tough for you, I shed my tears, took you to the Throne of God and immediately was reminded of the words of a song that I hope would encourage your heart. Some “battles” God allows us to face we find we can only find relief & sense rest because we have only Him to turn to. I remember once at a Women’s retreat that the speaker encouraged us to climb into our most comfortable chair at home and visualize sitting in God’a lap…allowing Him to encircle, comfort and assure us that He holds us close and is in complete control. Allison…I will continue to pray for you all. I hope you enjoy the words of this song and know that there are many who hold you up when you feel spent. https://youtu.be/kMxXEG9iS_Q
although I think your a warrior, warriors have wounds that may need attention too. You are too wonderful for words and I wish for nothing more than to be able to hold you cry and laugh and cry. I am relieved to hear that you have oodles of support all around. You are totally, gorgeous,deep, spiritual,wise, earthy, talented, woman…totally battling through with the most grace ever.
millions of hugs coming your way ..love you dear sister~in~law xx
always ,always here if you need a chat (but you know that ) xx
anxiety is a wicked foe. to battle it you do need all of the above self caring. x Stay strong. x
You are just as inspiring in your weaknesses as you are in your strengths, if not more. Your honesty and transparency are beautiful. May God continue to bless you with the richness and grace in life that only He can give.