After spending the day with Vernon and Joe (our day-off dialysis is always Vernon’s most relaxing day off the week) I checked in with his doctor to find out about the Tuesday’s CT scan results and what the next plan of action might be. Sure enough, he has a clot in one of his veins, and though he is in stable condition at the moment, Dr. Dan and I agreed that we want to get on top of this right away. Vernon’s face looks like a pumpkin, its so swollen, and to me, it seems to have gotten worse since I saw him on Tuesday. You would think that a high tech scan would allow the pros to know exactly what to do next, but it sounds like a much more complicated matter than that.
Even if he is stable at the moment, this issue is unlikely to go away on its own…and blood clots can be extremely serious. So I was relieved when Dr. Dan had him sent to the ER this evening. At least he will be back in the hands of those who know what to do about it. I was told it would be fine if I am not there, that I could talk to the nurses and doctor over the phone if necessary, but I admit I’ve felt torn the past few hours. I decided to go to my barre class (regular exercise is stress-relieving and sanity-saving, but still can feels like a guilty pleasure sometimes when my family has other needs) and then have dinner with my parents, who just got back from a two-and-a-half week trip (it’s always good to know I can survive without their practical help, but life is a lot easier when they are near, mostly because I love the emotional connection.) I decided to go home and make sure Justine’s Halloween costume is ready for the school parade tomorrow and read her a bedtime story out of the “Body Encyclopedia,” her all time favorite.
In between, I’ve been making and taking calls and texts from different doctors. Vernon has been admitted overnight and hopefully, by tomorrow morning, we will know what they have decided to do. He is allergic to Heparin, a blood thinning agent, so that complicates the options a little more. I think nighttime staff has to be doubly creative as so many of the people they would normally be able to access are off the clock or asleep. Whenever I am asked for information, I feel like the “For Dummies” girl…my terminology is a little “personalized” or mixed-up over time, based on what I have decided seems important to remember. A lot of details are there, but they don’t always translate back to the medical field they way they were delivered to me.
It feels strange to manage all this from home. Until now, I’ve made it a rule to be at the hospital whenever he is there. But I know that he doesn’t actually NEED me there, the way that maybe he would prefer to have me there. I can’t even remember how many times he has been to a hospital, and I have no idea how many more visits he will have. But we each only have 24 hours in a day. I’m still taking calls at 11 pm, but I’m home with the kids. I’m blogging from my own kitchen. I have decided not to feel guilty about this, though I’m very aware of the way guilt tries to pull me toward it.
It’s hard because its new, this not being there for him like I have in the past. Maybe this will be the way things are for us from now on or maybe not. But Justine has her costume for the Kindergarten Halloween parade tomorrow. I will have to decide then whether I can stay to witness it with the stay-at-home moms and dads or if its more important to get to the hospital for Vernon.
It’s now 11:10 PM, I’m signing off on any more decisions till tomorrow. Just writing that feels really good.
Somewhere…over the rainbow.
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Dear Allison,
Don’t feel guilty about being with Vern all the time. You are doing amazing well with all you have to bear up under. So if something makes you feel better go and do it. I know how much exercise does to help boost your mood and being with your parents is a relief. So we have to take care of Allison because you must take Justine to her Halloween Parade and to help Maki with his growing up. Take care of Allison. Then you take care of Vern and the children. God can be right there with you all the time.
Becky
We’ll be praying for Vernon. He is in good hands. I hope you go to the parade.
Hi Allison, you don’t know me, but I know your sister-in-law, Vanessa. I found out about the the terrible accident with Vernon because I ran into her at a craft fair we were both doing (normally she comes into the shop I work, so it was a bit surreal to run into her there!). I was amazed to find that Vernon designed fonts, many of which I had already collected and never in a million years would I have thought this would all be connected! Proves that this is a small world. Anyway, ever since I found out about what happened, I’ve been keeping up with you and your family and felt compelled to comment today — I think the guilt you are feeling is completely normal and natural, but the other side of things is that you DO have to take time out for yourself and to take care of yourself, otherwise you will not be any good to anyone. You are going through so much, you have to do those things that will refresh and recharge you so that you can fight another day. I hope that you will go to Justine’s parade – she will not be this age for very long, and before you know it, she will be grown up with a family of her own. Enjoy this time with her whilst you can. Her rainbow artwork touched me and made me cry. Kids are so resilient, but I can’t imagine how they (both her and Maki) are dealing with all this. You are doing an amazing job – thank you for sharing such a deeply personal experience with the rest of the world. I think it helps to show other people in your position (or similar) that they are not alone in all these emotions and such. Keep it up, and know that I’m thinking of you and your family. Take care of yourself!!!
-Crystal, an American living in England
Love Justine’s painting! The reassurance and hope of a little girl who dreams are big and beautiful. I hope you will go to the parade too, Justine will be looking for you 🙂
Sending you all love and light, like always. I, three, hope you go to the parade. Vernon can feel your love even when you are not with him and you always find a way to work through all these new situations/decisions.
I agree wholeheartedly with Janice! And somehow I think that Vernon also favors you attending Justine’s parade. Hoping to see pictures later…
So glad you got to spend the day with Vernon and Joe, that you got to talk to the doctor and that he listened to you. All the worries and uncertainties bring with them more worries and stress, so it’s even more impostant to do your things that keep you sane. You can’t be there all the time, don’t feel bad, especially when they can reach you on the phone! Lots of love
I’m so enjoying your posts the past few days. I wasn’t really sure why at first… Just kinda chalked it up to my mood, but I think I’ve been learning a lot more about you lately and that’s so great. I’m sitting next to a fire while it’s raining out eating a bowl of chili and I actually had a brief moment of wishing we were friends and that we could sit and chat together… Or that I could just listen. I’m a better listener than a talker. And I think you’re a good talker.(wink). It’s just been lovely getting to know you and I am so glad I made time to see Vern when I was visiting in Aug. maybe we can get coffee next time I’m in town for a visit. Happy Halloween!!