Today was a hard day… the end of a challenging week. Vernon is making his improvements, which we celebrate daily, but it seems as he gets stronger, I feel weaker. My tears have flown often the past few days, even though I’m finally able to have an interactive relationship with him again. I’m trying to embrace the paradox.
Here is a lame-disclaimer: I’m struggling with allergies and hope its not a cold coming on. But as Vernon has been teaching me, a virus can throw a mind for a loop, not just the body.
Maybe its that symbiotic bond that couples develop. In a perfect world, we are equally strong. Or when one is down, the other can fight. And then it balances out again and maybe they shift roles. One friend suggested to me that it is as if we are two sides to the same body. When one foot steps forward, the weight falls on the other…when one arm swings forward, the other swings back. If its a healthy relationship, we move in tandem with the other, ebbing and flowing as we move forward. Obviously, in my case lately, its more like one leg forward, the other drags.
In my Barre class, the instructor often tells us that the side of the body that is getting the real workout is the stabilizing side, not the moving side. So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that as Vernon gets better in all areas, and some of the pressure is taken off, I am suddenly feeling so tired and weak. Until now, I would say that Vernon has always been the stabilizing partner in our marriage. No wonder I feel the fatigue: these muscles are new to me.
What a perfect picture Vernon’s current lopsided physicality happens to be right now.
Of course he is not aware of this yet…he THINKS he can walk because he used to be able to, because he WANTS to. ThHe hasn’t quite got his head around his disabilities because he hasn’t been getting physical therapy at this new place. In fact, it won’t be till our Insurance has approved the new PT’s assessment (she called me today.) And even her assessment had to be approved by Insurance. What a racket! (But at least we have some. I know it could be worse.)
The longer he goes without speech, physical, or occupational therapy, the slower his recovery is. This could be setting him back physically for weeks. Of course this is upsetting, but I have yet to know what our alternatives are. If that is what he needs, I pray they show up…because I don’t have the energy to chase them. I get calls that he is becoming more aggitated. But I’ve noticed that when he has company, he becomes more relaxed and coherent. Obviously he isn’t doing well the hours he doesn’t get attention.
I’m fighting the guilt that I can’t be there all the time. I know its not healthy or positive, especially as these thoughts come stronger when I’m feeling tired.
Again the mystery: the stronger he gets, the more tired I feel. Please know that through expressing all this, I am not looking for sympathy or even for solutions. I am just trying to document our journey. To remember it later. And this is just one of those days. If readers want to be helpful, please keep these things in your prayers. We could both use a little extra Supernatural Power at the moment!
I don’t have a photo of Vernon from today, but here is one from a few years ago…his working holiday to Istanbul that Justine and I tagged along on. A good reminder of what his working right arm looks like!
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huge <3 + prayers
Praying for you and Vernon! I know you are just documenting… And I’m still sorry… Love you friend! xo
Big hug! Thinking of you. In any system there is a fight to get what you are entiteled to, and what you need. I dont know why it has to be like that. You should not worry too much that Vernon misses out some days I think, or even weeks of training. He is still adjusting to the situation I Guess and getting used to it. You can’t do more than whats possile anyway! You are already doing amazing stuff! Lots of love.
Hugs & prayers. Please get in touch if there is anything you think I might be able to do.
first of all a very big hug to you, seems you need lots of hugs right now, i wish, as i guess all those family and friends who read this blog, are hoping they could do something more to help you and Vern..how very frustrating for you both that he is not getting the therapy he so needs right now … the chat , the company.. the stimulation,is there no charities that could help ??? (just desperately trying to think of suggestions) ..feeling very far away, love you Allison, you are both strong..look how far you have both come , you are amazing (don`t you forget that ) xx
continued prayers and always my love…hang in there. xoxox
And my God is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we could even ask or hope for. Ephesians 3:20
We appreciate your honesty and boldness for sharing your feelings. May you be encouraged to know that our Lord never leaves you or forsakes you. You have been through a lot. We pray almost daily for you. You have a strong marriage. Many might have already given up if they faced similar situations. You are an encouragement to me and my spouse.
In Him,
Frank
Praying for God’s compassion and strength. Lam 3:21-23 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Praying that God will give you continue strength and perseverance. You always write with such honesty and in your pain it brings blessings and insight to all who read. Psalm 91:1 “Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty”. Claiming this verse in my prayers for you today.
It seems to me that peace seeps out in the nighttime. My son Chris had his surgery three weeks ago to straighten his crippled right hand and I am awakening each morning with some anxiety surrounding all the unknowns and what lies ahead. I am thinking that peace is like daily manna. It lasts for the day but then a new harvest must be gathered. Just like the Israelites, we need to assume a posture of lowering our heads, bending our knees and acknowledging our great need and dependance. I am constantly inspired by your strength Allison, but I am equally inspired by your weakness as it turns me again to the only ongoing Source of life and hope we have.
continued hugs and prayers…
You have had to be so strong and carry the load for such a long time. Prayers for you, Vernon and children.
love, hugs & prayers!!!!