“There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you, and there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.”
― Lemony Snicket
That’s the thing. When does one know when to stop pushing for change and just relax and BE where you are? It takes a lot of energy to keep pushing, researching other options, hitting different walls in the maze, then having to turn left or right yet again…and still feeling that little has changed. But ever since Vernon moved to his current facility, I feel more frustrated in the sitting still than I do in the searching. I don’t know if that is a sign that what I am doing is right or not. I have come to love the staff at Newport Subacute, they are incredibly caring, and I know that Vernon feels safe in their hands. I also know that the complicated red tape of the medical system keeps them from giving him everything I want him to be getting.
It is not enough.
I say this from the researched knowledge of my head and the strange intuition of my heart. Vernon needs more. He has such a chance to move forward mentally and physically in this stage of his recovery, but he is moving too slowly for my satisfaction. People tell me everyday that its so great how far he has come (I know I have blogged this before, it feels very familiar writing this now) but I can’t help but feel its not enough. We are seven months in…and he is only slightly further along than he was 7 weeks ago. Forgive me for being impatient, but its not enough. This is his big year for recovery, he has such a chance, but he needs more to help him connect the dots. I believe most of this lies in physical therapy. I believe that the challenges there will make him connect the necessary dots both in his body and his brain. I believe they are very connected.
“A waiting person is a patient person. The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen
The quote above sums up the thought I keep returning to. There must be some hidden miracle here. I’m waiting for it to manifest. Maybe that is what all this time is for: just to make it a more valuable truth when it is finally revealed. Who knows? Maybe this ‘limbo’ period will eventually reveal the pearl created from the grain of sand irritating the oyster long enough. And we will all clap our hands and rejoice in our newly discovered treasure. Maybe I will even say: “Yep, I knew it!”
But till then, I pursue every lead. I found out this week that we may need yet another level of Medicare to get the kind of therapy I think Vernon needs. So I keep knocking doors, making phone calls…and waiting. And beautifully, God keeps placing seemingly random conversations in my path, guides to the next step, to the next phone call. The Tetris Game of the medical/insurance field isn’t over yet!
Justine was with me on my tour yesterday…and spotted her first rainbow on our way back from one of these interviews. We won’t read too much into it…but we want to! I know its a promise of…something.
Strangely, our first words on our return to the Subacute Center, were a friendly: “You need to take all those photos off Vernon’s wall. They might peel the paint. And that is a safety issue. Its okay if you use his tiny bulletin board, of course.”
So as I tend to look for meaning in things that may mean something ELSE entirely, I wonder if this the gentle onset of another move. I think it is…I just don’t know when.
“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
—Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
Why is patience so important?”
“Because it makes us pay attention.”
― Paulo Coelho
42
Dear Allison,
We are praying with you for Vernon and that everything will work out to please God. We think about you and Vernon everyday and prayer for the whole family. Just wait in the presence of God’s will.
Love and Hugs,
Becky
Sweet friend I hear your frustration and I also know that God will guide you in the direction he wishes you to go. Keep pressing on because that rainbow (I saw it too) shows Gods love and care for us – his human children – even in our uncertainty. Loved sitting next to you last night…lovely candlelight evening. You are precious….love Nancy and Joe
Dearest Allison,
I read all your blogs and pray every time, but rarely comment. I was just flooded with feelings when reading this one. I can’t EVER imagine being in your shoes, but I have been in scary slippers walking around the medical profession/insurance. As I read your blog tonight I only thought of two things: 1) YOU are such a blessing in Vernon’s life and recovery!! YOU are such a credit to his success. 2)Healing is a roller coaster of success and rest, success and rest, success and rest….I understand the rest part takes an extreme amount of patience. As difficult,(an understatement for sure) as it is during these “rest” periods I hope you can capture these moments to rest and catch up with yourself. Lack of patience does however have it’s positive side and I’d like to share a quote, (because I know you love them), I thought of when reading todays post…
“When you do nothing, you feel overwhelmed and powerless. But when you get involved, you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better.”
– Pauline R. Kezer
YOU are making things better. I’m praying you find the balance of rest and making things better.
You are all in our prayers,
Love,love…
Christine
thank you Christine. That is such a GREAT quote…it fits perfectly to how I’m feeling. Success and Rest….the cycle continues. I have been very busy with my own life too: finances, invoices, looking for (and finding!) a new home, the holidays…but it feels that I haven’t done enough yet for him…because I haven’t seen the results of that effort yet. Maybe he is laying still longer so that I can get the rest of this done (outside the medical world.) I don’t know. But I know you understand. Love you and thank you for your encouragement.
At any rate, you survived your journey and are a major beacon of hope to those still navigating theirs. Your story is awesome!
Dear Allison, I too read your blog daily and carry your journey deeply in my heart. From the perspective of a long career in medicine I say please do keep pressing for a different care setting! Vernon so needs and deserves it and I believe it is there to be found. I regret that the medical/insurance system has become such a maze.
Dear Allison, I read your blog everyday and am always so encouraged in your journey with Vernon & his recovery. I was thinking, “maybe the miracle is already here?” The miracle that Vernon survived, the miracle that he has you to relentlessly go to bat for him, the miracle of prayer, the miracle of the beauty of a rainbow; a reminder in nature that God says I am here. And then the miracles yet to come! I was reading last night in Nouwen’s little booklet, A Spirituality of Living. He was sharing how suffering and joy go hand in hand, not separate but beautifully intertwined, intimately woven together. “Where there is pain there is healing. Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the Kingdom of God.” Henri Nouwen
Thank you, Janice. I think you are probably right…the miracle has happened…and happens every day. Thank you for sharing those thoughts. Beautiful and profound.
you are amazing allison. continued prayers…