I’ve had writer’s block. But then, I think I’ve had appropriate-feelings block so i know there is a lot in the way, I’m trying to do the Grief Group workbook, but it feels tedious and boring, even thought I’ve only been in there two of the 14 weeks. I know its healthy, but it is hard for me to feel connected there. It feels surreal to be there…more of a dream than any other parts of my life. I want it to be more of a therapy session probably than actual tips on how to get through times of grief. I don’t want more tips. I want more catharsis. Doesn’t work like that, does it?
The other day I came across an e-course called Write Your Grief. It’s a 30 day program with other writers, trying to do just that: write their grief. I thought about it for a couple of days, not sure if I should join, not sure if I could make such a big commitment to write every day, to be on schedule like this with others—when I still feel so foggy and off. But since it starts in two days, I signed up…and now I’m committed. Every day we are supposed to get a writing prompt from the instructor, a psychologist/widow who calls her work “emotionally intelligent grief support.” There will also be a private Facebook group for all the people taking the course, where we can share our writing with each other (or not.) I hope it helps me through some of the emotional blocks I feel like I’m living with at the moment. At least it should help with the writer’s block.
PS I discovered the course and the instructor via this podcast, which I thought was excellent. I liked her approach very much.
Also some good news: my friend Nikki from England is visiting for a week. She was one of the very first friends we made when we moved to Reading ten years ago. She’s seen the kids change and grow up from early days, and was there for a lot of the big things that happened when we lived there. We even moved into her house when she moved out. Hers was the last place we stayed before our morning trip to the airport to move out here. I even once bought a car from her dad. So she knew Vernon pretty well too. She’s been great for helping my memories click in, helping round out the past which I haven’t spent much time thinking about for years. I was so focused on the moment…leaning in toward the future. And she brought CANDY! (English candy for the win!)
We went whale watching yesterday. It was an overcast morning, we didn’t see any whales, not even dolphins. But we figure the negative ions worked wonders on her jet lag.
But we did see some sea lions and a seagull, so all was not lost. 🙂
“There’s no such thing as writer’s block. That was invented by people in California who couldn’t write.”
― Terry Pratchett
64
So glad you will keep writing – you have a gift
Write on sis! Write on!
We love your writing and it will get better or maybe worse for a while and then you will see the sun again. Don’t like for you to be in a fog but I do know that this does happen after all you have been trough.
Becky
Love that quote at the end! Ha!
Sounds like a cool group you’ve signed up for. I remember Nikki made us Pimms in her backyard. She’s a sweetheart! Give her hug for me. So glad she’s here. And any friend with British candy and chocolate is a friend indeed.
I’m still on my East coast “tour”. Been a rough week but Ryan’s dad finally got out of hospital yesterday. It was a gorgeous new one- reminded me of the Hoag. So of course you and Vernon were on my mind a lot.
Missing you. Hope we can talk, Skype, face time or whatever soon!!
Luv you! M
Hi Allison,
I was 18 when my sweetheart Kim lost her life in a tragic accident. I was without any religious conviction at that time. I found some comfort in this letter that Ram Dass had written to a couple who’s young daughter had been senselessly murdered. His belief system is mostly Eastern in approach but his words convey meaning regardless of our chosen Path.
“Dear Steve and Anita,
Rachel finished her work on earth, and left the stage in a manner that leaves those of us left behind with a cry of agony in our hearts, as the fragile thread of our faith is dealt with so violently. Is anyone strong enough to stay conscious through such teaching as you are receiving? Probably very few. And even they would only have a whisper of equanimity and peace amidst the screaming trumpets of their rage, grief, horror and desolation.
I can’t assuage your pain with any words, nor should I. For your pain is Rachel’s legacy to you. Not that she or I would inflict such pain by choice, but there it is. And it must burn its purifying way to completion. For something in you dies when you bear the unbearable, and it is only in that dark night of the soul that you are prepared to see as God sees, and to love as God loves.
Now is the time to let your grief find expression. No false strength. Now is the time to sit quietly and speak to Rachel, and thank her for being with you these few years, and encourage her to go on with whatever her work is, knowing that you will grow in compassion and wisdom from this experience.
In my heart, I know that you and she will meet again and again, and recognize the many ways in which you have known each other. And when you meet you will know, in a flash, what now it is not given to you to know: Why this had to be the way it was.
Our rational minds can never understand what has happened, but our hearts – if we can keep them open to God – will find their own intuitive way. Rachel came through you to do her work on earth, which includes her manner of death. Now her soul is free, and the love that you can share with her is invulnerable to the winds of changing time and space. In that deep love, include me.
In love,
Ram Dass”