“The arts are not a way to make a living. They are very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’ sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.” —Kurt Vonnegut
I am looking forward to my next speaking/creative event in two weeks. A couple of people who attended the one we did in September were inspired to ‘take it on the road,’ at least for one more stop. This time, its a different core community, so we are going to change it up a little, based on the artists that are on hand. I’m really excited about it because I love collaborating with different folks. I think God speaks to us through ideas sometimes, and there iare rarely none more idea-centric than creative folk. So I’m hoping to tap into their wizened resources while telling some of my own awkward tales of discovery and hopefully, landing at some truth and inspiration we can all take home with us. Here are the workshops that will be offered:
Lettering/Embellishing:
Hand-lettering is really popular at the moment with all the quirky chalkboards and signage popping up around Etsy and the coolest cafes. The nice thing about lettering is all you need is a pen and paper (and maybe a pot of ink.) And you can embellish howver you want, whenever you want. There are rules to classic calligraphy, but not to handwriting. Leave your mark, play around. It feels good to get lost in the doodles, they don’ t have to mean anything. But you are already making something more beautiful than before, just by putting your hand to paper.
Jewelry Making:
As this is a short workshop, we were trying to figure out the best way to make jewelry and still have it feel creative, for each person to put together something unique. Brenda and Rene will be dismantaling the old pieces that have been brought in. The women will learn to make new pieces out of the old. This is not just a good exercise in working with your hands and making creative choices, its a literal exercise in one-woman’s-trash-becoming-another’s-treasure….and the old and tossed-away being remade into something new and valuable.
Oil Painting:
This station will be manned by both an abstract and a figurative painter. This station will be great for those who have always been intimidated but attracted to oil painting as a medium This is a chance to learn how to mix color and apply it to a canvas. Of course you may make a painting as well. We are hoping this station will inspire people to get out of their comfort zone and hopefully it will be something you go on to try at home on your own time, with another creative tool under their belts.
Weaving:
I wasn’t so sure about this one when I first heard the idea, but after I saw some of Allyson Twitchell’s pieces, I became truly excited. These are beautiful, and suimply made. I think this will be a great for the ‘gatherers’ among us, those who want to ‘find’ the art by going into nature first… and then be able to relax as they weave the pieces together. What a great addition to any room too! I want one!
Guided Prayer (Using Pastels):
Christine Sloane will be hosting this particular area. She will encourage people to find a space for God and meditation by using paints and pastels. This is an opportunity to find a deeper peace and open up your spiritual and creative connection, which is not only powerful: it feels GREAT!
I am a huge believer in the concept that Creative Practice is more powerful than we understand. I’ve always felt this to be true (easy for me to say, I know…I’m an artist) but now, dealing with unexpected trauma and all its fall-out, I believe it more strongly than before. I also believe that this isn’t just for artist-types, but its a Divinely-given human gift that we can all tap into. We are individuals: we can all learn to practice that from the inside-out. It’s a survival skill.
Here is the link, if you would like to sign up. It’s two weekends away, and only for women (sorry, guys!) My lovely friends, the Logie Sisters will be performing and coffee and treats will be served.
Here is the link, if you know someone who might be interested. We have two weeks to fill out these tables, and I’m expecting it to be a creatively- invigorating event. Also: all non-creatives are invited (as if there is such a thing…you’ll see!)
If you are near Capistrano Beach, November 7, 9am-12, this is for you! $20 per ticket (and supplies). $5 each for child care. Win!
http://www.capobeachchurch.com/event/765739-2015-11-07-womens-creative-workshop/ Please sign up HERE. (We would like to know as soon as possible how many will be in attendance, thanks!)
When I showed up at the Care Home late in the afternoon, this was the scene that greeted me:
Erik and Luke had come to visit Vernon, and they had been sitting at this table for a couple of hours before I arrived. They had been showing him videos of different bands they’d deduced he liked. “Not any American music,” they told me. They had also watched episodes of The Young Ones, an alternative BBC comedy from the 80s. They’d brought pens to doodle with, and they talked about Typography. Here is the list I noticed on the table:
If the diners hadn’t started wheeling in to eat their early meal, it looked like Vernon would have been happy to stay at watch music videos and talk shop with the boys much longer. Both Erik and Luke are graphic artists. I felt like the mother coming in to take her teenager away from his friends. You can see from the photo how upright he was, leaning toward the guys with great interest. He was obviously stimulated and thrilled to have their company. He looked the most engaged and happy that I’d seen him in a long time.
I know how it is…without some actual peers who are interested in similar things, life can get boring. But just a little time with an old (or new!) friend can leave you reinvigorated and inspired. They can also help you feel “normal,” not like the weird one you secretly believe you are.
Even after they left, Vernon remained wide-eyed and alert for a long time, making transportation plans for his great escape home. He calls Joe, “Lee” most of the time now. We don’t know who the original Lee is, but lately, this has been pretty consistent.
Joe told me that earlier in the day, before his friends had arrived, a new attendant, who didn’t realize Vernon was supposed to be reclining in his geri-chair, had pushed him upright against the Bingo table in the multi-purpose room, where Vernon attempted to join the game. He said to Joe: “Next time, I’ll need your help to read the numbers.” So that’s their big plan for tomorrow (after Mary Lou’s on site memorial service.)
So today at least, I see a positive shift. He can tolerate being up at a table, trying to hold his own, as long as there are people around and interesting things to engage with. And not only that, he wants to.
“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.”
Since Vernon’s life doesn’t seem as endangered this week, I find myself trying hard to make up for lost time, creatively, even though I still need to drive up to see him most days. Maybe its because I have another Creativity Event on the near horizon (link coming soon!) or because I went to that writer’s workshop last weekend. Maybe its just finding the personal balance. Though I like caregiving more than I ever would have expected, I don’t ONLY want to be a caregiver. Identity is especially important to artist-types, or so I’ve been told, so here is fighting for more than.
I enjoyed taking notes of what I heard around me so much the other day that I brought my notebook with me again today, hoping to work on another poem, whilst Vernon got his PEMF Therapy on the mat. I also brought a bunch of paint-pens, just in case it would be easier to make a painting.
I wrote a lot of notes, overcome with ideas, and had this fantastic poem in my head, but it seems there was no time to sort my thoughts before it was time to turn around and pick up Justine from her very-short Kindergarten morning. The problem is…most of my ideas come when I’m driving…and by the time I stop again, someone requires my time or I simply get too distracted to get back to my original impetus. (I actually drove off before collecting the milkshake I ordered through the MacDonald’s Drive-Thru for Vernon today…that should give you some idea of how distractible I am.) It’s almost like I have too many ideas and no ability to release them completely.
My big plan was to collect my thoughts this afternoon. But of course there was a Late-Owls get together at the park that I couldn’t miss (and I’m glad I didn’t!)
By the time Maki came home from school, I’d pretty much given up. It was clear that whatever great poem was to emerge from the day was very unlikely to ever happen. The writer’s workshop inspiration would have to catch up on another day, if it really wanted to bless me with it’s power.
I sat down to write at the kitchen table, hoping to consolidate a couple of ideas I’d jotted in my notebook earlier. Justine wanted to be near me, so she claimed half the surface space for her play-doh kitchen. I couldn’t concentrate with her chatter, so I pulled out the bag of paint pens I’d packed earlier and joined her creative space. Maki walked into the room after finishing his homework: “I want to paint too.”
And so we came together in this tiny dining room, together apart. Each doing our own thing in the same space, enriched.
God bless this mess.
Shortly after…Maki went off to learn a Pixies song on his guitar. He is inspired to practice by his new teacher that he started with yesterday. And Justine, hearing him move into the living room, in true Alpha Dog fashion, began figuring out “Call Me Maybe” on the keyboard.
I never did write that great poem. I never started the painting that has been brewing in my mind. But this afternoon, I was not “Caregiver”…I was the artist mama-bird, watching the babies take joy in practicing their flight-tools. And look at that…somehow, I got a blog post in too!
At the end of the day, I have to say, I feel fulfilled…who cares what I have to show for it!
Maki chose these as some of his favorites from his climbing/camping weekend at Boulder Basin. I think he should take the camera out more often—he’s great!
“We must never allow the future to be weighed down by memory. For children have no past, and that is the whole secret of the magical innocence of their smiles.”
—Milan Kundera, The Book of Laughter and Forgetting
It’s writers like Milan Kundera that can take me back to my dreamy college-girl self. Sweet magical realism…I still love you! This is a good thing, as it seems that’s were I am destined to live (at least a little longer)—moving back and forth between the realms of the healthy and the sick, between the mostly alive and mostly dead, between the working and the disabled, between children and geriatrics. It’s very strange, but not so bad as long as I can find the balance. Ay, there’s the rub!
Now I recognize there is a new place I need to find balance. The past couple of times I’ve visited Vernon, I see improvement. His bantering abilities seem more consistent, and he is drinking water (shhh!) with less coughing, remembering how to hold his chin low, often without being coached. But these are all things we’ve seen before. They are given and then taken away. I just cannot sustain feelings of excitement at this point. It’s too exhausting for my weak little heart. It seems I need to consider these things from a more neutral place, let the good and the bad ebb and flow. I need to keep this small boat from being tossed by drama every time the wind turns. The sails are thrashed as it is, and the gaps are starting to show.
A friend wrote me last week after I shared some of my frustration and sadness. “I can tell you are in transition,” she said. Transition. I’ve been thinking about that word ever since. It feels correct, but I’m not sure how I’m changing or what I’m transitioning to. I’d like to think its into a more balanced state of mind. I adore Vernon but I can’t help him any more than I do. I already feel burnt out in reading to him and telling him stories over and over, reminding him of names and moments for which he has no filing cabinet in his mind. I’m tired of living someone else’s Groundhog’s Day. It’s a funny joke, but I get it already!
The other day, I asked him, as I often do, if he knew why he was in bed in the care home. He was able to answer that he’d been in an accident. He even described the blue Vespa this time (he said it was his dad’s). I would have been thrilled at the breakthrough in his memory/acceptance of the event, but I think he is only remembering what we have told him over and over. I then asked him where we lived in England together. He said he knew but didn’t want to answer such a ‘cryptic question.’ He knows me (and he loves me) but I don’t think he has any memory of our life together.
Here is Vernon (on a GOOD DAY) trying to remember our names. He is engaged and engaging, but that doesn’t mean there is anything already in his mind.
So in order to guard my heart, I’m going to have to find other ways to experience all of this. I’ve spent so long watching the ups and downs, and maybe its time just to be present with him, not watching too closely. Perhaps its time to start bringing more of my own work in, to do while I sit near him. The other day, I brought a pen and paper, and listened, writing a poem about another patient in the room. Yesterday, Justine and I brought our own drawings and sat quietly with Vernon as he lay on the mat and interacted as much as he wanted to.
This way, its not all about him…nor is it about disappointment on a bad day. I’m there if he needs me, but if we are going to be doing this on the long term, we need to find ways to keep our personal boats afloat. Finding ways to reach out of the medical settings, even while we are physically inside it, is necessary now. To find a bigger world in one that seems so small and threatening.
That said, you can see Vernon’s sweetness was alive and well yesterday. Here is a video. And here is the laughter.
A special cover of Vernon's fav song 'Waterloo Sunset' by friend and singer/song-writer Ian McGlynn. All proceeds support Vernon's recovery! Donate what you can and download a beautiful song in return.
[bandcamp width=250 height=250 album=689425947 size=large bgcol=ffffff linkcol=0687f5 minimal=true]
