“Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.” ~Ernestine Ulmer
When Chris, his grandfather, the kids and I wheeled Vernon out to the courtyard for this morning’s visit, we were told: “Make sure he comes back for lunch at noon.” We looked at each other curiously, but also as if to say: “Okaaaaay. We all know he can’t eat anything.” Perhaps a special event was on the schedule.
Erin, Chris’ wife, had packed Vernon an early Christmas bag full of imported chocolates. Vernon, at least in the old days, had an unstoppable sweet-tooth, so it was a very personal gift. He recognized all the British packaging straightaway and took such a big bite of one of the bars, I was a little worried he might not be able to get it down…and I’d get in big trouble with the staff. But he survived, savoring that bite the way I imagine chocolate should be savored. After he finally got it down, and we asked him what he thought, he said: “It’s pretty good. But not good enough for me.” I knew I’d married a man with impeccable taste.
Maki spoke to Vernon in Norwegian to see if he could understand and respond in kind, and they were able to converse a little. Vernon struggled to find some words in his memory, but we realized this might be a good exercise for his brain. Maki is leaving soon for Christmas break, so I hope he is up for this kind of language therapy in the new year. I think it could be helpful. Everything is worth trying.
When we wheeled Vernon in to the dining hall at last, there was a whole plate of food waiting for him. Real food. Meat and potatoes, literally. I figured he would be able to handle the mashed potatoes and thickened cranberry juice, and maybe a bite of pudding, but that there must have been a mistake with the roast beef on his plate.
Even last week, Thanksgiving day, the speech therapist had come by with some softened foods to try, but Vernon had made such horrible faces at their taste (as he has all along) it looked like we were still a long way off from his appetite kicking in. Maybe with so little success in her time with him, she just decided to just let him start practicing at mealtimes (with a staff-member’s help) to see what might happen. I don’t know, but today I was amazed that not only didn’t he twist his face in disgust, he actually chewed his food. He preferred the thickened juice and water to the food, but at least he was beginning to EAT. Perhaps he was more interested in the texture and using his teeth than the taste.
So it begins. He will still be fed by tube for most of his nutrients, but slowly…he is working his way back to eating like a human being.
Soon another attachment will come off his body. Another leap, another inch toward independence.
“Community is a sign that love is possible in a materialistic world where people so often either ignore or fight each other. It is a sign that we don’t need a lot of money to be happy–in fact, the opposite.” Jean Vanier
Oh! How can I express how wonderful the fundraiser for Vernon was this weekend? It touched me so deeply that people not only came out to spend some Christmas money at the Craft Market, but that talented individuals (some that I didn’t even KNOW) donated their handmade wares for our cause. As an artist, I respect how much time and heart goes into each piece. One never gets back in dollars what one puts on in effort, but that isn’t the point. Its the GIFT of it, the giving, that counts. I know Vernon will be equally moved when he understands this for himself! He will be so touched that people care so much for him, for US, that they keep coming together in such creative ways to help out.
Of course we still don’t know the monetary cost of this crazy season we’ve been in. There has certainly been a loss of income, and that is before hospital bills. But today money doesn’t matter to me. Its the beauty of connections, of creative giving, that sings in a voice higher than everything else. Today it feels, to me, beyond such earthly trapping of numbers and green papers.
About a month ago, a dear friend of mine, Jeff Girard, discussed the idea of a Craft Market over a coffee. He said that he and Pattie Herdell, owner of the San Clemente Art Supply, had come up with the idea of a community-based fundraiser for Vernon. We would get a few friends to donate some goods, and who knows? Maybe we would raise a thousand dollars?
At any rate, it would raise awareness of Vernon’s plight, and it would be a chance to get together and do something, when no one really knows what we should be doing at all? It has been 6 and a half months and we are all kind of at a loss of what to do next (especially since insurance and police are still not giving any official numbers, but the bills are certainly pouring in.)
Well, check out this little idea that became a big idea…
.
even Justine’s Pre-K principal showed up!
Metal Letters cut out in Vernon’s Fonts: Pacifico and Oxygen. Brilliant!
My self-appointed God-Father, Jeff (he may not like this moniker) at the till. Chris’ grandparents hand-printed and sewed the flag. We are nothing if not eclectic.
Festive joy and a bit of reggae. Why not? Can you spot the marvelous Andrea?
All generations welcome here!
What can I say? Just really cool stuff.
And good-looking people.
I understand we brought in over $5000. Amazing. Heart-expanding amazing. I just said that money isn’t the most important thing. And it isn’t. But wow, it sure helps a LOT.
Before I talk about Vernon, I want to make one last little plug for his fundraiser this weekend.
I think it will be a great community get-together and a lot of talented people have donated their handmade goodness.
San Clemente Art Supply —1531 N El Camino Real, San Clemente, California—Fri: 6-9 Fri party with music and refreshments. Sat: 10-6 shop all day.
Here are some of the paintings I’ll have on sale. Come grab a bargain!
When I told Vernon the other day that friends were organizing a craft market for him, he lifted his eyebrows and said: “What do they need me to make for it?”
“You don’t understand, Honey. It’s to raise money for you. Not for you to donate to.”
“Why should they want to raise money for me?”
“Well, because you haven’t been working. And you shouldn’t need to worry about working right now either.”
“Of course I can work! I was working this morning.”
And so goes many of our conversations. A little reality, a little fantasy, connecting as much as possible in the common ground between. Its taking him a while to understand his predicament, but lately I’m realizing this may be a blessing.
I believe most of the trauma occurred on the left side of Vernon’s brain. It is generally understood that the left hemisphere of the brain controls the right side of the body and the right controls the left. It’s been obvious for awhile that Vernon’s left side has come back to movement much better than the right. He is able to write his name with his left hand now and gesture very smoothly with his left arm. But he still favors the right side, protecting it as if it was the broken arm (it wasn’t.) The legs are another story for another time.
Although some say science doesn’t actually prove that the right/left-brain behaviorisms are based in the hemispheres of the brain, its long been accepted in popular culture that that the Right tends to be more creative, thoughtful, and subjective while the Left is more logical, analytical, detail-oriented. With Vernon as a guinea-pig, I would say this is most likely true. His right-brain is strong and kicking these days. And the left? Well, not so much.
Now Vernon has always been a creative guy, and intuitive and conceptual thinker, so a lot of his personality is clearly there. If anything, it just seems heightened by the fact that the practical side hasn’t quite emerged or caught up. It is a lot of fun to talk to Vernon…he has an answer for everything, even if he is making it up. He can talk about his feelings in very sweet way, especially when it comes to the children. He is very romantic when he talks about the early days of our relationship, letting me in on little secrets of what in his mind that he has never told me before. I have no idea if those were his true thoughts then or not, but it is lovely to hear now.
As his personality gets smoother, with slightly less agitated and confused glitches, I realize it is probably working out MUCH better that it was the left side of his head that was most affected. He is generally happy, though he does get bored easily. It’s as if he’s in a sort of lucid dream, in terms of his mood. He knows where he is but he is choosing to just accept the strangeness of it all rather than try to work out the details, to figure it all out. I can imagine that if thing went the other way, if it was the left side that became dominant, he would struggling with his circumstances a lot more, especially without his memory to help him connect the dots.
I trust the left will slowly re-awaken. Though Vernon was probably a right-dominated personality before, he had an incredibly rich mind, and that included a strong logic and sense of details. He was a font-designer, after all. You need to be pretty detail-oriented for that!
But in the meantime, I’m thankful that he’s enjoying his present state as much as possible, it makes it more enjoyable for me too…because I am a bit of a dreamer myself.
Here is a fun little online quiz to see if you what side of your brain is more dominant.
(Thanks, Kirsten Ford, for visiting with us today and taking these pictures.)
Karaoke. That was the ‘activity’ in the rec room/dining hall of the subacute today. Vernon and I thought, why not? Its not like we had anything better to do.
I don’t know if its a bi-monthly thing or what, but the sweet Activity Director that runs the microphone mentioned that though she is the only one who usually sings, she always offers a chance to any willing performers between songs. Most of the folks who had been wheeled around the TV for the entertainment didn’t seem capable of singing into a microphone. (But then isn’t that the way most people feel, disabled or not?)
David is a heavy metal fan, so he had a go at an Aerosmith song, but he got frustrated at how slow the background music was. He also couldn’t believe that Metallica still wasn’t on the playlist.
I’ve always found Karaoke so intimidating. I tried once, but giggled embarrassed through the whole thing. I can’t complete with the pros that frequent the Karaoke bars. So since no one else was biting, I took the microphone. Let me just say it was a very kind audience.
I had a great time, fumbling through songs I thought we might all know: The Beatles, Carpenters, Mamas and Papas. The little old lady at my elbow began to smile at me as if I was singing to her…and so I did! Then I noticed another start to wave her hands in a dance and mouth some of the words. This gave me the confidence to bust out my best Janis Joplin, till now reserved only for long road trips with very close friends.
Thanks ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be here all week.
One more thing.
I finally brought in the Soccer Ball that Vernon’s Unofficial San Clemente Soccer Team personalized for him back in the early days of his coma. It had come home with me when he left the hospital, but this was the first day he had seen it himself. He seemed to be quite moved as I read him the notes and names. He still doesn’t understand how long he has been in his situation, but he is beginning to realize that people care about him and are wishing him well. He was still holding the ball when I left in the afternoon.
December has always been my favorite month because….CHRISTMAS! And here we are—it’s already Dec. 1st. Charles Dickens famously wrote: “I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year.” Words I try to live by, particularly in December.
Unfortunately, in our commercialized society, it feels like the Black Friday/Cyber Monday shopping weekend has become more important than than even the family traditions, let alone the spiritual. Or at least thats what advertisers and media would have us believe. Shops are open on Thanksgiving Day now? Seems a little oxymoronic, don’t you think? Video footage of people stampeding into department stores in order to be first to the bargain, hair-pulling and vandalism. Hmm…happy holidays. What a depressing start.
The message sent is that this season just seems to be about getting more (even if it is under the guise of generosity.) We stop to be thankful for a big meal and then its on to spending, accumulating. I know this isn’t really what everyone thinks, but it was getting me down yesterday as I started packing up Vernon’s things into boxes. I thought: I don’t want anything MORE in my life right now, I want less. Less stuff, less chaos, less drama, fewer piles of paperwork, fewer responsibilities, less of the unknown ahead.
Why am I packing when we don’t have a place to move to? It just feels like I’m doing SOMETHING to clear out the space. Maybe if I can start moving boxes out of the house into the garage, my head will start clearing as well. My landlady is wonderful, renting this house to us for the past year and a half, but the move has always been inevitable. I just didn’t expect to have to look for a place and move house without Vernon’s help. We have to find a place by February. (3 bedrooms and wheelchair access, if anyone has any leads.)
There is time. But like I said, it just feels good to start packing and putting away. I have scant control of anything in the moment., but I do have the ability to put things in boxes, a little at a time. Perhaps it was my rotten attitude about the SEASON this year (see above) but I found myself getting quite emotional as I packed up Vernon’s belongings, starting with things he obviously won’t need for a long time: Bicycling gear, soccer kit, books with letters to small to read. I found it freeing and sad at the same time. I don’t know if he will use these things again, but its important to keep them with us. I don’t know where we are going yet, but he will eventually meet up with us (and his stuff) on the other side of this move.
The thing about packing, is it creates even more of a mess before things get tidier. Eventually I found it too strange and sad trying to make “less” for myself, so I pulled out the “more” in the garage that I’d been promising the kids all day. Our old cheap Charlie-Brown christmas tree, which it turns out, is on its last two (of three) supporter-legs. Once we rigged a sort of leaning/standing position for it, I wrapped it with lights, and Justine went nuts, hanging every ornament that could be tied with a string (she insists I buy more string today for the leftovers) and Maki playing holiday-music DJ on his iPad.
It didn’t take long for my heart to soften with the warm glow of the lights and the children’s delight. Ah, that familiar thing…Christmas Joy, it IS still in there. It just had to be brought out. I had to stop thinking about those other responsibilities for awhile in order to find it. Once again, it was the kids who helped me. I went to bed last night, feeling better than I had all day. I woke up this morning looking forward to things, with less dread of the unknown. I woke up this morning with space for MORE in my soul again. I’m expanded.
I leave you with one of the charming songs on Maki’s Christmas Playlist
Bring on Christmas! It’s the best time of the year, after all!
A special cover of Vernon's fav song 'Waterloo Sunset' by friend and singer/song-writer Ian McGlynn. All proceeds support Vernon's recovery! Donate what you can and download a beautiful song in return.
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